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The Book of Good Manners

W >> W. C. Green >> The Book of Good Manners




CHRISTENING. A christening ceremony offers a
good opportunity for the invited guests so
wishing to send a gift to the baby. These
should be sent a day or two before the
ceremony, and, if of silver, should be suitably
marked with the child's name, initials, or
monogram.

ENGAGEMENT. If both families of the engaged
couple are old acquaintances, the parents of
the man may send a gift along with their
greetings and congratulations.

WEDDING. See WEDDINGS--GIFTS.



GIFTS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. Books, flowers,
and other small articles of decoration are
proper gifts to accept.

Sending valuable gifts of jewelry, or any
other article, depends largely upon the
relationships of the parties, and should not be
done unless the sender is sure of its
acceptance. Such gifts should not be accepted
from mere acquaintances or friends.

It is bad form for a man to send expensive
presents to a woman who may be compelled
to return them.



GLOVES.

MEN. At the opera or theatre, if in full dress,
gloves may be dispensed with, but they are
worn with street dress. With formal evening
dress, white kid gloves should be worn.

For afternoon dress, gloves should be of
undressed kid, gray, tan, or brown. When
calling, the glove of the right hand should
be removed upon entering the drawing-room.

Gloves should not be worn at high teas.

MEN--AFTERNOON DRESS. Undressed kid
gloves of a dark color are worn.

MEN-BALLS. Men should always wear gloves
at all balls, in summer or winter, in town or
city.

MEN-CALLING ON WOMEN. Gloves need not
be removed at a formal or brief call.

MEN-DANCES. Gloves should be worn at formal
dances, and should be put on before entering
the room.

MEN-HIGH TEA. Men do not wear gloves.

MEN-MOURNING. Black or dark-colored gloves
should be worn.

MEN--SHAKING HANDS. At weddings, operas,
or dances, and on all very formal occasions,
men wear gloves. In shaking hands with
women on these occasions gloves should not
be removed.

If a hostess wears gloves at any formal
affair, a man wears his when he shakes hands
with her.

A man with hands gloved should never
shake hands with a woman without an apology
for so doing, unless she likewise wears gloves.
A sudden meeting, etc., may make a hand-shaking
in gloves unavoidable. Unless the
other party is also gloved, a man should say:
"Please excuse my glove."

WOMEN. Gloves should always be worn on the
street.

At dinners, or formal teas, women should
remove their gloves at the table and place
them in their laps.

At dinners and formal teas, when the
women have retired to the drawing-room,
they may resume their gloves or not, or
follow the example of the hostess.

At informal teas or "At Homes" the
hostess need not wear gloves.

BREAKFAST. Gloves should be removed at table.

DINNER. Women may remove their gloves at
table, and it is not necessary to replace
them. They should be laid in the lap. The
hostess generally determines by her own
actions whether the women should resume
gloves or not.

MOURNING. Gloves may be of black kid, suede,
or black silk. In the evening, black suede
or glace, or white suede should be worn.
White gloves with black stitching should not
be worn in the evening.

BRIDE. See BRIDE--GLOVES.

GROOM. See GROOM--GLOVES.

USHERS. See USHERS--GLOVES.



GODFATHER. A man asked to be one of the sponsors
at a christening ceremony should reply by a
written note or by calling in person.

He should call immediately on the parents
and send flowers to the mother, and express
himself as pleased at the compliment.

He should send a present to the child,
usually a piece of jewelry or some silver, and,
if a wealthy relative, may deposit a sum of
money to the child's credit, and present him
with the bank-book.

He should also send with his present one
of his calling cards, on which is written some
appropriate sentiment.

It is his privilege, when the wine is about
to be drunk after the ceremony, to first
propose the health of the child and then the
health of the mother.

The duties of the godfather at the ceremony
consist of assenting to the vows.



GODMOTHER. A woman asked to be a sponsor at a
christening should immediately accept or
decline the invitation either by a written note
or a call.

She should also call on the parents and send
flowers to the mother, and express pleasure
at the compliment paid to her.

It is always customary for the godmother
to give the child a gift, such as a christening
robe, a cradle, or some piece of silver. If
the latter is sent, it should have the child's
name on it. With the gift should be sent
the sponsor's calling card, with some
appropriate sentiment on it. It is customary to
send the gift to the child itself.



GOLDEN WEDDINGS. Fifty years after the wedding-day
comes the Golden Wedding. The invitations
may bear the words: NO PRESENTS
RECEIVED, and congratulations may be extended
in accepting or declining the invitation. An
entertainment is usually provided for.

The gifts are, appropriately, articles of
gold, and this is a fitting occasion for giving
fifty gold pieces of either, five, ten, or twenty
dollar denomination. The invitations are
appropriately engraved in gold, and the
decorations golden in color.



GOVERNOR OF A STATE--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have the honor,
sir, to remain your obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Governor
Wilson, and ends: Believe me, most sincerely
yours.

The address on the envelope is: Governor
John J. Wilson.



GRAPES AND PLUMS should be eaten one by one, and
the pits allowed to fall noiselessly into the
half-closed hand and then transferred to the
plate.



GROOM. The groom selects his best man, usually
an unmarried intimate friend, though a married
man or widower is permissible. After
consultation with the bride he calls upon the
clergyman, the organist, the sexton, and invites
the ushers.

When he is informed by his bride of the
day selected for the wedding, he should ask
her mother to accept the day agreed upon.

He may make what present he desires to
the bride, and, if he also wishes, to the brides-
maids. If any gifts are sent to the groom,
they should bear his name or cipher.

He should furnish the bride's family with
a list of names of persons to whom he desires
to have invitations sent, designating his
preference for those to be asked to the wedding
breakfast or reception.

BEFORE CEREMONY. The day before the ceremony,
or sooner, he gives into the safe-
keeping of the best man the ring and the fee
for the clergyman.

He also sends or hands the marriage license
(if one is needed) to the officiating
clergyman before the ceremony.

CHURCH, It is not customary for the groom to
see his bride on the wedding-day till he
meets her at the altar. The groom and the
best man usually breakfast together on the
wedding-day and arrive in ample time at the
church.

Upon the arrival of the bride in the
vestibule, the clergyman enters the chancel,
followed by the groom and the best man. The
groom then steps forward, and stands at the
left of the clergyman, facing the audience. It
is a good plan for both the groom and best
man to leave their hats in the vestry, but if
the groom has not done so, he gives his hat
and gloves to the best man on the approach
of the bride, and advances to meet her. He
gives her his left arm, and together they stand
before the clergyman.

At the proper moment he receives the ring
from the best man and hands it to the bride.
It is no longer in good form for him to kiss
the bride after the ceremony, but after receiving
the congratulations of the clergyman
to give her his right arm, and together they
lead the procession to the vestibule.

CLERGYMAN. While the bride selects the officiating
clergyman, it is the place of the groom
to call upon him in regard to the details, and
to pay him the fee.

If the clergyman from any cause--as, living
outside of the State--cannot legally perform
the ceremony, a magistrate should be present
to legalize the marriage, and should receive
a fee.

DRESS-EVENING WEDDING. He wears full
evening dress.

DRESS-MORNING OR AFTERNOON WEDDING.
He wears afternoon dress, consisting of a
double-breasted frock coat of dark material,
waistcoat, single or double (preferably the
latter), of same material, or more usually of
some fancy material of late design. The
trousers should be of light pattern, avoiding
extremes. The linen should be white, and
the tie white or light material, and the gloves
of gray suede. These, with patent-leather
shoes and a silk hat, complete the costume.

EXPENSES. He pays for the license fee, the
organist's fee, and a fee to the sexton.

Nothing less than five dollars in gold,
clean bills, or a check in a sealed envelope,
or more, according to social position and
financial income, should be the clergyman's
fee. Should there be one or two additional
clergymen, he pays a fee to each, the fee of
the officiating clergyman being double that
of the others.

He pays for the carriages of the ushers,
the one for himself and the best man, and
the one which takes away the married couple
on their wedding trip.

He pays for the bouquet carried by the
bride, and, if he wishes, for the bouquets
carried by the bridesmaids. He also pays for
the cuff-buttons or scarf-pins, and, if he
wishes, for the gloves and neckties given
to the ushers and the best man.

He pays for the wedding-ring--a plain gold
one, with initials of bride and groom and
date of marriage engraved thereon. He may
also present some souvenirs to the
bridesmaids.

He may give a farewell dinner a few
evenings before the wedding to his best man,
ushers, and a few intimate friends. He sits
at the head of the table and the best man
opposite, and on this occasion he may give
the scarf-pins or cuff-buttons, also neckties
and gloves, if he wishes, to the best man and
ushers.

FAREWELL DINNER. See BACHELOR'S FAREWELL
DINNER.

GLOVES. At a morning or afternoon wedding,
the groom wears gray suede gloves.

At an evening wedding he wears white kid
gloves.

WEDDING BREAKFAST. The bride and groom
enter first, and are seated at the principal
table.

WEDDING RECEPTION. The groom and his bride
stand side by side and receive the
congratulations of all present. The guests serve
them refreshments.

See also BEST MAN. BRIDE. USHERS. All
items under WEDDINGS.



GROOM'S FAMILY. See FAMILY OF GROOM.



GROOM'S FATHER. See FATHER OF GROOM.



GROOM'S MOTHER. See MOTHER OF GROOM.



GUESTS.

GUEST OF HONOR AT BALLS, if the ball is given
in honor of some special person, he should be
met on his arrival, introduced to the women
of the reception committee, escorted to the
seat prepared for him, and be attended to the
whole evening by the management of the ball.

At the end of the ball, he should be escorted
to his carriage.

LATE AT DINNERS. When a guest arrives late
he should make a short and suitable apology
to the hostess, and then take his seat as
quickly and as quietly as possible.

The hostess shakes hands with the guest,
but does not rise unless the guest is a woman.

The host should in either case rise and
meet the guest, and assist him in finding his
seat, and endeavor, by making the conversation
general, to distract attention from the
event.

For duties of guests, see other functions--
as, BALLS--GUESTS, CHRISTENINGS--GUESTS, etc.



HAND-SHAKING--INTRODUCTIONS. Women and men on
being introduced may shake hands, but it is
not good form. A polite bow, a smile, and
friendly recognition is more correct. If an
advance is made by either party, it should be
immediately accepted.



HAT.

MEN--CALLING. When making a formal or
brief call, the hat should be carried in the
hand into the parlor.

In apologizing to a woman, opening a door,
or rendering any service to a woman in public,
or in answering a question, the hat should
be raised.

When seeing a woman to her carriage, he
should raise his hat upon closing the
carriage door. When attentions are offered by
another man to a woman whom he is escorting,
a man raises his hat in acknowledgment
of the courtesy and thanks the party.

In a street-car a man raises his hat when
giving his seat to a woman.

On the railroad a man removes his hat in
the parlor-car, but not in the day coach.

In an elevator a man should remove his
hat in the presence of women.

In hotels where corridors are reserved and
used as places of meeting and recreation by
the guests, no hats should be worn. Standing
uncovered when talking to a woman on
the street is generally embarrassing to her,
and it is better to make a polite bow and
replace it after a few seconds.

MOURNING. A crape band around the hat should
be worn--the width of the band being
determined by the character of the bereavement.



HIGH TEA. This is an elaborate entertainment,
and an elaborate menu is generally served.

CALLS. Calls should be made in person one week
after the event.

GUESTS. Guests wear evening dress, and should
not remain more than half an hour.

INVITATIONS. These are engraved, and the
hour for the entertainment specified. They
should be issued in the name of the hostess
only, except in such cases when the entertainment
is the occasion of a debut or another
woman assists, in which event her
name appears likewise.

The invitations should be promptly accepted
or declined.

MEN. Full dress is worn, but men do not wear
gloves.

WOMEN. Full dress is worn.



HOME WEDDINGS. Weddings at the homes of the
brides vary much, according to the taste of
the participants. The ushers, bridesmaids,
best man, and maid of honor are generally
dispensed with; but if present, their duties
are the same as at a church wedding, with
minor differences.

The clergyman stands in a large room
decorated with flowers, facing the audience,
with the groom beside him. The bride enters
on the arm of her father, followed by the
bridesmaids and ushers, and the ceremony
proceeds as at a church, with the usual
congratulations to the groom and best wishes to
the bride.

Refreshments are served, either formal or
informal. At an afternoon ceremony men
wear the regulation afternoon dress, and if
in the evening, the usual evening dress.



HONEYMOON, See WEDDING TRIP.



HONOR, SEAT OF. The seat of honor is at the right
of the host.



HOST.

AFTERNOON TEAS. See AFTERNOON TEAS--HOST.

BACHELORS' DINNERS. See BACHELORS' DINNERS--
HOST.

BACHELORS' TEAS. See BACHELORS' TEAS--HOST.

BALLS. See BALLS--HOST.

DANCES. See DANCES (FORMAL)--HOST.

DINNERS. See DINNERS--HOST.

MATINEES. See MATINEES--HOST.

THEATRES. See THEATRE AND OPERA PARTIES
GIVEN BY MEN.



HOSTESS.

INTRODUCTIONS. Introductions to the hostess at
an "At Home" or reception by women
assisting hostess, to those who have been invited
to the entertainment by them, are not
recognized thereafter unless by mutual consent.

The hostess receiving in her own home
should offer her hand to all to whom she is
introduced.

The hostess introduces her immediate family
to all her guests. No formal permission
is necessary.

In the case of one woman desiring an introduction
to another, the hostess should be
asked to bring this about.

INTRODUCTIONS BY CHAPERONES. At entertainments
both the chaperone and her protege
should enter together, and the chaperone
should introduce her protege to the hostess.

WOMEN CALLING UPON. When calling formally
upon a hostess, a woman should leave a card,
whether the hostess was at home or not.

When a son enters society, his mother,
when calling, can leave his cards for him, and
invitations to entertainments will follow. If
it is impossible for him to leave cards for himself
she may continue to do so.

WOMEN LEAVING CARDS ON. When a mother
leaves her daughter's card, it is for the hostess
only.

HIGH TEAS. See HIGH TEAS--HOSTESS.

HOUSE PARTIES. See HOUSE PARTIES--HOSTESS.

LUNCHEONS. See LUNCHEONS--HOSTESS.

MATINEES. See MATINEES--HOSTESS.

SHAKING HANDS. See SHAKING HANDS--HOST.

WEDDINGS. See MOTHER OF BRIDE.



HOURS.

AFTERNOON TEAS. See AFTERNOON TEAS--HOURS.

BREAKFASTS. See BREAKFASTS--HOURS.

CALLS. See CALLS--HOURS.

DINNERS. See DINNERS--HOURS.

GARDEN PARTIES. See GARDEN PARTIES--HOURS.

LUNCHEONS. See LUNCHEONS--HOURS.

MUSICALES. See MUSICALES--HOURS.

RECEPTIONS. See RECEPTIONS--HOURS.

WEDDINGS. See WEDDINGS--HOURS.



HOUSE FUNERALS. See FUNERALS--HOUSE.



HOUSE PARTIES. These usually refer to a group of congenial
persons, numbering from four to
twenty-four, and visiting country homes,
making a stay of a few days or a few weeks.

DRESS. The length of the visit and the nature
of the house party determines the extent of
wardrobe necessary. A guest should carry
at least three changes of suits--one for the
morning, one suitable for afternoon entertainments,
picnics, etc., and the regulation
evening dress.

GUEST. To be a welcome guest the visitor
should accommodate himself as much as possible
to the plans of his hostess and the ways
of the home life.

A visitor should avoid the common mistake
of refusing to make a choice when a
choice is offered.

A guest should try to be congenial with
the other guests, kind to the servants, and
to be considerate of all others.

EXPENSES. The hostess should furnish transportation
for both guests and baggage to and
from the station.

Each guest should pay for all expenses incurred
by him, and be especially careful, in
the case of sickness or misfortune, that some
items are not overlooked.

LETTER AFTER DEPARTURE. If the visit has
been more than two days, the guest should
write a short letter to the hostess, telling
of the pleasure the visit gave them and their
safe journey home.

A guest so desiring might send some trifle
as a gift to the hostess.

TIPPING SERVANTS. Unless a hostess positively
requests her guests not to tip, a guest,
when leaving at the end of a visit at a private
house, should remember the servants.
The average American, from lack of a definite
standard, too often errs on the side of
giving too much.

Those giving personal service should be
remembered, as well as those who render service--
as, the coachman and outside servants.

HOSTESS. While careful to provide entertainment
for her guests, a hostess should be careful
not to overentertain, and to allow each guest
ample time in which to enjoy themselves
any way they please. If an entertainment
is planned for the afternoon, it is well to
leave the mornings open, and VICE VERSA.

The success of the hostess depends on her
making the guests feel free from care and
ENNUI.

CARING FOR THE SICK. In addition to the regular
care of the guest's room and attention to
his comfort and pleasure, a hostess should
double her energies in case her guest is sick.

She is not called upon to pay for the expenses
of telegrams, doctor's bills, medicines,
etc., contracted by the guest. If a
guest departed without attending to these
matters, the hostess would have to pay for
them.

GIVING FAREWELL, To VISITORS. A hostess
should, in bidding farewell to her visitors,
see that she does not overdo it.

While it is not strictly necessary that a
hostess should accompany a guest to the depot,
yet many still follow this rule, especially in
the case of an unmarried woman, and are
careful to see to all the details of checking
baggage, etc.

In the case of a bachelor, such attention
is not necessary.

A hostess conveys at her own expense both
the guest and baggage to and from the
station.

GREETING VISITORS. When an hour of arrival
is specified in an invitation, the guest
should be met at the station, especially an
unmarried woman, by the hostess or host.
In case of married couples or bachelors, a
man servant may meet them.

In all cases the hostess should arrange for
the conveyance of both the guests and their
luggage.

A hostess accompanies a woman to the
guest chamber, but sends a man servant
with a bachelor to the latter's room.

INVITATIONS. These should state definitely
when a visit is to begin and to end. It is
also a good plan to allude in the invitation
to any special amusement or entertainment.

These invitations should be answered
promptly.

MEN--DRESS. A man should carry with him
one business suit, evening clothes, and one
outing suit suitable for afternoon entertainments
--as, picnics, tennis, etc. This is almost
indispensable, and more depends upon the
nature of the entertainments and the length
of the visit.

WOMEN--DRESS. A woman should take at least
three changes of dress--one to travel in and
wear in the morning, one for evening wear,
and a third for afternoon picnics, outings,
etc. The length of her visit and the nature of
the entertainments and her individual taste
determines how much she may increase this.



HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, MEMBER OF. An official
letter begins: SIR, and ends: I HAVE, SIR, THE
HONOR TO REMAIN YOUR MOST OBEDIENT SERVANT.

A social letter begins: MY DEAR MR. WILSON
and ends: I HAVE THE HONOR TO REMAIN MOST
SINCERELY YOURS.

The address on the envelope is: HON. JOHN
F. WILSON.



HUSBAND AND WIFE--CARDS, VISITING. See CARDS,
VISITING-HUSBAND AND WIFE.



IN MEMORIAM CARDS. Printed or engraved notes, or
special cards, can be used, and should be
heavily bordered. Custom allows much diversity
as to the contents of the card. Place
and date of birth, residence, date of death,
and any other information of interest to
friends and relatives may be given.



INFANT'S CARDS. The full name of the child should
be engraved, with date of birth in lower
left-hand corner, enclosed in envelope with
mother's card, and sent by mail. Such cards
are generally held together with white ribbon.



INFORMAL AFTERNOON TEAS. These are the usual afternoon
teas. By formal afternoon teas are
meant those for which specially engraved
cards have been issued, and at which all the
arrangements are more elaborate.

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