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P. G. Wodehouse - "The Prince and Betty"

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The Book of Good Manners

W >> W. C. Green >> The Book of Good Manners






DUCHESS--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins:
Madam, may it please Your Grace, and ends:
I have the honor to remain your Grace's obedient
servant.


A social letter begins: My Dear Duchess of
Kent, and ends: Believe me, dear Duchess,
yours very truly.

The address on the envelope is: To Her
Grace, The Duchess of Kent.



DUCHESS, DOWAGER--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: May it please YOUR Grace, and
ends: I have the honor to remain your Grace's
obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Duchess
Of Kent, and ends: Believe me, dear Duchess,
yours very truly.

The address on the envelope is: To Her
Grace, The Dowager Duchess of Kent, or, To
Her Grace, Minnie, Duchess of Kent.



DUKE--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins:
My Lord Duke, may it please your grace, and
ends: I have the honor to be your grace's most
obedient servant.


A social letter begins: My dear Duke of
Kent, and ends: believe me, dear Duke, your
Grace's very faithfully.


The address on the envelope is: To His
Grace, The Duke of Kent.


DAUGHTER OF. See Daughter of Duke.

WIFE OF YOUNGER SON OF. See Wife of
Younger Son of Duke.

YOUNGER SON OF. See Son (Younger) of Duke.



EARL--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins:
My Lord, and ends: I have the honor to be
your lordship's obedient servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable The Earl Of Kent.

A social letter begins: Dear Lord Kent,
and ends: Believe me my dear Lord Kent,
very sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Earl of Kent


DAUGHTER OF. See Daughter of Earl.

WIFE OF YOUNGER SON. See Wife of Younger
Son of Earl.

YOUNGER SON OF. See Son (Younger) of Earl.



EGGS are usually broken into a glass and eaten with
a spoon.



ELEVATOR. Men should remove their hats when
riding in an elevator with women, although
it is held by some that an elevator is as much
a public conveyance as a car, and this act of
courtesy as unnecessary in the one place as
in the other. Women enter and leave before
men.



ENGAGEMENT.

MEN It is his duty to see the woman's parents
or guardian, and to make known his
intentions, and to tell them fully and frankly
about himself, his family, his social position,
and business prospects. He should court the
fullest investigation, and take his own family
into his confidence, but not mention it to
others.

PARENTS OF MAN. They should send their
pleasant greetings and congratulations,
accompanied with flowers, and if both families
are old acquaintances, a present may be sent
to the prospective bride.

PARENTS OF WOMAN. The first step is to bring
together both parents in social intercourse--
as, by a dinner given by the man's or woman's
family, when friends may be invited, by
interchange of notes and congratulations, by
any social visit, or by any function that good
taste may dictate.

If one family lives out of town, it may
invite various members of the other family
living in the city to make visits of some
duration, as a week or more. These visits should
be returned.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT. This item of news is
rarely published in the papers, but if it is,
the expense is borne by the family of the
woman. The public announcement is usually
made at some social entertainment--as, a
dinner, tea, or an "At Home," given by either
family.

At a formal dinner given by the family of
the woman, the father takes out his daughter
first and her fiance escorts her mother. At
the proper time the father drinks his future
son-in-law's health and announces the
engagement. All rise, and congratulations
follow.

Notes may be written to intimate friends
informing them of the happy event.

WOMEN. A woman should at once confide in
her parents, and trust to their future
guidance and to their making a full investigation
of the man, his social condition, and business
prospects. They should not mention the
matter to others.

Immediately after the engagement, each of
the two parties should be introduced to the
family of the other party. Before the wedding-cards
are issued the woman should leave her
card personally at the homes of her friends,
but without entering. After the wedding-cards
are issued she should not appear at any
social function, or make any personal visits,
or be seen at any place of amusement.

It is not wise for her to call at the place of
business of her fiance, and if a meeting is
necessary, it is better to make an appointment
elsewhere.

RING. The ring is given by the man immediately
after the announcement of the engagement
to the woman, who wears it on the third finger
of her left hand. It should be a small and
unostentatious one. Diamonds, rubies,
moonstones, sapphires, and other precious stones
may be used.

He may ask the woman to aid him in the
selection, but it is better for him to make the
selection alone. The woman may give the
man an engagement ring or a gift if she
wishes.



ENTERTAINMENTS--CALLS AFTER. See CALLS--MEN--AFTER
ENTERTAINMENTS.



ENVELOPES, ADDRESSING. See ADDRESSING ENVELOPES.



ESQUIRE. Either ESQ. or MR. may be used in
addressing a letter, but never the two at the
same time.



EVENING CALLS. When no special day for receiving
is indicated, calls may be made at any proper
hour, according to the custom of the locality.
Men of leisure may call at the fashionable
hours, from two till five o'clock in the
afternoon, while business and professional men
may call between eight and nine in the
evening, as their obligations prevent them from
observing the fashionable hours.



EVENING DRESS.

Men. Evening dress should be worn on all
formal occasions, consisting of the swallow-
tail coat of black material, made in the
prevailing fashion, with waistcoat and trousers
of the same material; or a white vest may
be worn.

The linen must be white. Studs or shirt-
buttons may be worn, according to fashion.
The collar should be high, and the cravat
white. Low patent-leather shoes and white
kid gloves complete the costume.

Evening dress should be worn at all formal
functions after six o'clock--as, balls, dinners,
suppers, receptions, germans, formal
stag parties, theatre, opera, and fashionable
evening calls where women are present.

The phrase, "evening dress," is now used
in place of full dress.

A Tuxedo should never be worn when
women are present.

See also TUXEDO. CLERGYMAN--EVENING
DRESS.

WEDDINGS, EVENING. Full evening dress is
worn by the groom and ushers. Guests are
likewise in evening dress.

CLERGYMAN. Custom permits a clergyman to
wear his clerical dress at all functions where
other men wear evening dress, or he may
wear evening dress.



EVENING RECEPTIONS. The etiquette is the same as
for an afternoon tea (formal), save that no
cards are left by the guests, and that they
wear evening dress.

See AFTERNOON TEAS (FORMAL).



FACSIMILE CARDS, engraved, are no longer used.



FAMILY OF BRIDE. The family, except the father,
leave the house first, then the bridesmaids,
the maid of honor with the mother, and last
the bride with her father or nearest male
relative. At church the family is seated by the
ushers.

At the conclusion of the ceremony they are
the first to be escorted from their pew and to
take their carriage for the wedding reception
or breakfast.



WEDDING BREAKFAST. The bride's father or
her nearest male relative takes in the groom's
mother, and the bride's mother, as hostess, is
taken in by the groom's father.



WEDDING RECEPTION. The parents of both
bride and groom stand up with the married
couple, and are introduced to the guests.



FAMILY OF GROOM. At the church the family and
relatives of the groom are seated on one side,
while the family of the bride and her
relatives are seated on the other.

WEDDING BREAKFAST. The groom's mother is
taken in by the bride's father, and the groom's
father takes in the bride's mother, who,
acting as hostess, comes last.

WEDDING RECEPTION. The parents of both
bride and groom stand up with the married
couple, and are introduced to the guests.



FAREWELL BACHELOR DINNER. See BACHELOR'S FAREWELL
DINNERS.



FAREWELL BRIDAL LUNCHEON. See BRIDE--FAREWELL
LUNCHEON.



FATHER OF BRIDE.

DEBUTS. When the debut is a formal one, he
stands beside his wife and daughter, and
receives the congratulations of the guests. At
a supper or dinner he escorts the most
distinguished woman. If there is no brother to
escort the debutante, he does so, and she is
seated at his left hand.

DINNER, ENGAGEMENT. At a formal dinner
given by the family of the engaged woman
the father takes out his daughter first and
her fiance escorts her mother. At the proper
time the father drinks to the health of his
future son-in-law, and announces the
engagement. All rise, and congratulations follow.

He wears evening dress.

The father of the bride, or her nearest
male relative, drives to the church with her,
and is there received by the ushers and
bridesmaids, and escorts her in the
procession up the aisle.

After the procession has arrived at the
chancel and the groom comes forward to
take the bride's hand, he steps back a little
way and waits for the clergyman's words:
"Who giveth this woman away?" He
then places the bride's right hand in that of
the clergyman, and retires to his seat in the
pew with his family.

WEDDING BREAKFAST. He takes in the mother
of the groom, following the ushers and the
maids of honor.

WEDDING RECEPTION. He escorts the groom's
mother, and receives with the married couple.



FATHER OF GROOM. At a wedding breakfast he should
take in the mother of the bride, and at a
wedding reception he receives with the bride
and groom.

At a church wedding he is, of course, given
a front seat among those reserved for the
groom's family.

He should wear afternoon dress for an
afternoon wedding, and evening dress at an
evening wedding.



FEES.

CHRISTENING. See CHRISTENING--FEES

WEDDING. The wedding fee, preferably gold or
clean bills in sealed envelope, is given by the
best man to the officiating clergyman. Custom
leaves the amount to the groom, who
should give at least five dollars or more, in
proportion to his income and social position.
The clergyman usually gives the fee to his
wife.

A fee should also be paid to the sexton and
the organist



FIANCE, MOURNING FOR. In the event of the death
of a woman's betrothed shortly before the
date of the wedding, she may wear black for
a short period or full mourning for a year.



FINGER-BOWL. The fingers should be dipped in the
water and gently rubbed together, and dried
on the napkins.



FIRST CALLS. Newcomers and brides are called upon
first.

After a country visit, the visitor should call
first upon the hostess when the latter returns
to town.

Other things being equal, the younger or
unmarried woman calls first upon the older
or married woman.

A woman returning to town before another
one would make the first call.

If one woman issues her AT HOME card
before another, she should receive the first
call.



FISH should be eaten with a fork held in the right
hand and a piece of bread held in the left hand.
The bones should be removed from the
mouth with the aid of a fork or with the
fingers. If by the latter, great delicacy
should be used.



FLOWER GIRL. The flower girls--one or two, as may
be the case--follow the maid of honor up the
isle and strew flowers in the path of the
bride, who follows after.

In the procession down the isle they should
follow the bride.

Flower girls and pages are not used now
as much as formerly.



FLOWERS. Between friends, flowers may be sent as
an expression of sympathy in either joy or
sorrow.

BIRTH, ANNOUNCEMENT OF. If wishing to send
congratulations after a birth, cards should be
left in person or sent by a messenger. Cut
flowers may be sent with the card.

BRIDE. If she wishes, a bride may present flowers
to her bridesmaids, and also to the best
man and ushers.

CHRISTENING. A christening ceremony offers a
good opportunity for the guests who desire
to present flowers to the mother. This is
not obligatory, however, and must remain a
matter of personal taste.

CONDOLENCE CALLS. When making a condolence
call upon a very intimate friend, cut
flowers may be left in person or sent,
together with a card, unless request has been
made to send none.

DEBUTANTE. Friends should send flowers to a
debutante at a formal tea given in her honor.

ENGAGEMENT. Flowers should accompany the
greetings from the parents of the man to the
parents of the woman.

FUNERALS. See FUNERALS--FLOWERS.

GROOM. He pays for the bridal bouquet carried
by the bride at the wedding ceremony, and, if
he wishes, for the bouquets carried by the
bridesmaids.

MEN. If well acquainted with a debutante's
family, a man may send her flowers at the
time of her debut.

After a slightly intimate acquaintance, a
man can present flowers to a young
unmarried woman as a token of sympathy either of
joy or sorrow.

It is not usual for a man to send flowers to
a woman who is a mere acquaintance.

BALLS. It is permissible for a man, if he wishes,
to send flowers to a woman he is to escort to
a ball.

THEATRE OR OPERA. It is permissible, but not
necessary, for a man to send flowers to the
woman he is to take to the theatre or to the
opera.

WEDDING TRIP. The best man should arrange
beforehand all the details of the trip--such as
the tickets, parlor-car, flowers, baggage, etc.

PALL-BEARERS. See PALL-BEARERS--FLOWERS.



FORK AND KNIFE. See KNIFE AND FORK.



FORMAL AFTERNOON TEAS. See AFTERNOON TEAS (FORMAL).

FORMAL DANCES. See DANCES (FORMAL).



FRUIT. All raw fruit, except melons, berries, and
grapefruit, are eaten with the fingers.
Canned fruits are eaten with a spoon.



FULL DRESS. This phrase is now no longer in good
usage, and instead should be used the term:
"Evening Dress," which SEE.



FUNERALS. A member of the family, or very near
relative, should take charge of the ceremony
and direct the undertaker. A large funeral
should be avoided, and the ceremony confined
to the immediate family and nearest relatives,
and, if possible, the service should be at the
church.

All the details of the funeral should be
carefully considered and carried out, with the
ceremony started at the hour set, and with
all appearance of confusion avoided.

It is not now customary to watch by the
dead at night.

Funerals should be private, and only those
intimately interested should be invited.

CARRIAGES. A carriage should always be
provided to call for the clergyman and to take
him from the church or cemetery back to his
house. Carriages should also be provided to
take the friends, mourners, and pall-bearers
from the house to the church, and then to the
cemetery and return. These are provided by
the family.

DRESS. See FUNERALS--MEN.

EXPENSES. Though it is not customary for
the clergyman in Protestant churches to
expect or to receive fees for conducting funerals,
yet it is in perfectly good taste to offer him a
fee. In the Roman Catholic Church the rate
of fees for funerals is fixed. There are,
besides, fees for the sexton, the organist, and the
singers.

FLOWERS. The family, in publishing notice of
funeral, may add: "Kindly omit flowers."
However, in the absence of such a notice,
at the public funerals of prominent persons
elaborate designs may be sent. But at a
private funeral, if flowers are sent, they
should be choice and delicate.

The custom is growing of having fewer
flowers, and it is no longer in good taste to
have a carriage in the procession carrying
flowers and set pieces. A good use of the
large set pieces is to send them afterward to
the hospitals.

If any flowers are laid upon the grave
they should be those given by the nearest
relatives.

INVITATIONS. A church funeral can be attended
by any one, friend or acquaintance, and no
slight should be felt at the non-receipt of an
invitation. Those attending should take
especial pains to be in the church before the
funeral procession arrives, and that they do
nothing to distract from the solemnity of the
occasion.

Notice of death and date of funeral may be
printed on heavy bordered cards, or on
mourning paper, and sent to friends.
Sometimes a notice is written and sent to most
intimate friends.

MEN--DRESS. A man should wear either a black
frock coat or a black cutaway, with the
necktie, gloves, and other parts of the dress as
subdued as possible. Under no conditions
should light ties or light-colored linen be
worn.

PALL-BEARERS. See PALL-BEARERS.

PRECEDENCE. At a church funeral the parents,
arm in arm, follow the body of their child,
and the children come next in the order of
their age.

A widow, leaning on the arm of her eldest
son, follows the body of her husband, and
the other children come after.

A widower, attended by his eldest daughter
or son, follows the body of his wife, and the
children come after.

The elder children always precede the
younger. The pall-bearers are seated at the
left of the main isle, and the near relatives
at the right.

PUBLIC NOTICE. When the date of the funeral
has been determined upon, notice should be
published in the papers, giving date, place,
and time of funeral--also date of birth and
late place of residence of deceased. Such
announcement may contain notice that
the interment is private, and also the words:
"Kindly omit flowers."

A notice of death and date of funeral may
be printed on heavy bordered cards or mourning
paper, and sent to friends. Sometimes
a notice is written and sent to most intimate
friends.

CHURCH. The pall-bearers and the nearest relatives
meet at the house. At the appointed
hour the procession leaves the house, the
casket borne on the shoulders of the undertaker's
assistants, followed by the pall-bearers,
relatives, and friends.

The same order is followed in the procession
up the aisle, the relatives occupying
the first pews on the right, the pall-bearers
the first pews on the left, of the middle aisle.
At the conclusion of the ceremony the friends
wait until the family and pall-bearers have
left, and then quietly retire.

HOUSE. At a house funeral, some one representing
the family should receive the people
as they enter and direct them where to go,
it being customary for the family and relatives
to be in one room and the friends in
another.

Usually there are no pall-bearers; but if
there are, their duties are the same as at a
church funeral. The clergyman should stand
near the casket, and if there are musicians
they should be so stationed that, while they
are not seen, they are easily heard. At the
conclusion of the ceremony the friends depart,
and thus allow the family and relatives
to take the last leave of the deceased
before they take the carriages for the cemetery.

It is customary for the family to be in
retirement at the hour of the funeral, and
they are the first to enter the carriages.

Those in charge of the house should, after
the funeral party has left, arrange the
apartments to make them as cheerful as possible,
and also provide a substantial meal for
the mourners on their return.



GARDEN PARTIES.

CARDS. Guests leave their cards in the hall either
when entering or leaving only at large garden
parties.

DRESS. It is customary for women to wear light
afternoon dresses.

Men wear summer business suits, yachting
flannels, and straw hats, and even white duck
trousers. Gloves are not worn.

The regulation frock coat and high hat is
not worn, save by men from the city or at
some extremely fashionable affair.

GUESTS. After leaving their outer garments in
the dressing-rooms, the guests should pay
their respects to the hostess, after which
they are free to enjoy themselves as they
please.

The usual length of stay is about half an
hour or the whole afternoon.

While guests may arrive at their own convenient
time, they would do well to remember
that they have not the same freedom to come
and go as at an afternoon reception.

Guests should take leave of the hostess unless
she is very much engaged.

HOSTESS. The hostess wears afternoon dress,
and usually one that is dainty and delicate--
suitable for a summer afternoon.

She receives on the lawn, shakes hands
with each guest, and makes introductions
when deemed essential.

She may, if she so desires, receive with
some member of her family.

HOURS. These are from 3 to 7 P.M.

INVITATIONS. These are issued in the name of
the hostess, and may be engraved or written.
Sometimes the hostess writes on her card:
GARDEN PARTY, JULY 17, FROM 4 TO 7, or she
may use an AT HOME card, and in the lower
left-hand corner write: GARDEN PARTY. The
engraved card usually indicates an elaborate
affair.

These invitations may be sent by mail or
messenger.

It is a good plan to add to the invitations
some information regarding the trains, or to
enclose a time-table.

All such invitations should be promptly
acknowledged or declined.

MEN. Men wear summer business suits, white
ducks, or yachting flannels, A tennis suit
would be permissible.

The regulation frock coat and high hat
should be worn only by men from the city
attending an affair in the country, or at some
extremely fashionable affair.

Men should greet the hostess both on their
arrival and departure.

Visiting-cards are left only at large garden
parties.

WOMEN. Women wear light, delicate, afternoon
dresses.

They should greet the hostess, both on their
arrival and departure.

Visiting-cards are left only at large and
formal outdoor affairs.



GERMANS. See COTILLIONS.



GIFTS.

AFTER HOUSE PARTY. While not necessary, a
guest after a house party may send some
trifle to the hostess as a token of pleasure
and appreciation.

BEST MAN. After the groom selects the best
man, the latter should send a gift to the
bride, and may, if he wish, send it to the
groom, a custom not yet clearly established.

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