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The Book of Good Manners

W >> W. C. Green >> The Book of Good Manners




If reception days appear on the mother's
card, the daughters also receive on that day,
as they have no reception date of their
own.

After an entertainment the cards of the
family may be left for the host and hostess
by the eldest daughter.

The eldest daughter has her own circle of
acquaintances, and can visit and receive independently
of her mother.



DUTIES AT BALLS. See BALLS--DUTIES OF
DAUGHTERS.



DAUGHTER OF BARON--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the
honor to remain, Madam, your obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Miss Wilson,
and ends: Believe me, I remain sincerely yours.

The envelope addressed to the eldest
daughter reads: To the Honorable Miss Wilson,
but to a younger daughter: To the
Honorable Minnie Wilson.



DAUGHTER OF DUKE--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the
honor to remain your Ladyship's most obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable the Lady Jane F. Wilson.

A social letter begins: Dear Lady Jane,
and ends: Believe me, dear Lady Jane, very
faithfully yours.

The address is: To the Lady Jane F. Wilson.



DAUGHTERS OF EARL--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the
honor to remain your Ladyship's most obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable the Lady Jane F. Wilson.

A social letter begins: Dear Lady Jane,
and ends: Believe me, dear Lady Jane, very
faithfully yours.

The address is: To the Lady Jane F.
Wilson.



DAUGHTER OF MARQUIS--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the
honor to remain your Ladyship's most obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable the Lady Jane F. Wilson.

A social letter begins: Dear Lady Jane,
and ends: Believe me, dear Lady Jane, very
faithfully yours.

The address is: To the Lady Jane F.
Wilson.



DAUGHTER OF VISCOUNT--HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Madam, and ends: I have the
honor to remain, madam, your obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Miss Wilson,
and ends: Believe me, Miss Wilson, sincerely
yours.

The envelope addressed to the eldest
daughter would read: To the Honorable Miss
Wilson, but to a younger daughter: To the
Honorable Minnie Wilson.



DAYS AT HOME. Only very intimate persons should
call on any other days than those named on
an At Home card.



DAY OF WEDDING. The wedding-day is named by
the bride, and her mother's approval is asked
by the groom.



DEATH IN THE FAMILY. Cards, writing-paper, and envelopes
should be bordered in black. The
announcement of the death may be printed
or engraved, preferably the latter. Full
name of deceased, together with date of
birth and death, and residence, should be
given.

The frequenting of places of amusements,
entertainments, or social functions should
not be indulged in for at least a year if in
mourning for near relatives.

CONDOLENCE. After a death in the family of an
acquaintance, a card with the word Condolence
written on it should be left in person
or by messenger. For very intimate acquaintances,
cut flowers may be left in person
or sent, together with a card or letter, unless
request has been made not to do so.



DEBUTANTE. A debutante should make her debut between
the ages of seventeen and twenty, and
should not appear at any public function before
her debut. She should be thoroughly
versed in the laws of good society. She
should be extremely cautious at all times in
her dealings with men. She should follow,
without reserve, the advice of mother or
chaperone. She should avoid forwardness,
and be quiet in manner and in speech. Men
acquaintances should be carefully chosen, and
great care exercised in accepting invitations
from them.

AFTERNOON TEAS (FORMAL). When a tea is
given in honor of a debutante, she stands beside
the hostess (usually her mother), and
each guest is introduced to her. Flowers
should be liberally provided, and friends may
contribute on such an occasion.

A debutante should not make any
formal visits alone the first year, and should
not receive men visitors unless her chaperone
is present. Should a man call during
the first season, and neither her mother
nor her chaperone be present, she should decline
the visit. She may make and receive
visitors alone the second season.

When calling upon a debutante, men and
women should leave cards for her and her
mother.

CARDS. A debutante should use her mother's
card with her name engraved under her
mother's, but after a season she uses her own
card. Personal cards should not be used
during the first season. If she is the eldest
unmarried daughter, her name is engraved
(as, Miss A--) beneath her mother's name,
but if there are other sisters, with the initials
(as, Miss A. A--).

The cards of a debutante may be sent by
mail or messenger.

DANCES. A debutante always receives with her
mother standing by her side. A good order
is for the mother to stand nearest the door,
the debutante next, and the father last.

It is a good plan for the debutante to ask
a few of her girl friends to stand beside her
the first half hour.

The mother should introduce guests to her
daughter, who may introduce them to her
friends.

The debutante shakes hands with each one
introduced to her. She dances every dance,
and at the end stands beside her mother to
receive the greetings of the guests.

The girls standing up with the debutante
after the first hour are free to dance and enjoy
themselves as they please without standing
in line again.

MEN. Her mother should select in advance the
man who is to have the pleasure of the first
dance with the debutante at her debut. No
man should dance more than once with the
debutante. If well acquainted with the
family, a man may send flowers to a debutante
at the time of her first debut. A man
should make a formal call on mother and
daughter a day or two after her debut, and,
if unable to do so, he should send a card.

DEBUT. When her mother receives visits after
her debut, the daughter is included, and
should be present. The mother should keep
a complete record of the visits made by entering
the cards in a book kept for that purpose.

FLOWERS. Friends should send flowers to a debutante
at a formal tea given in her honor.

MEN. When calling upon a debutante, a man
should leave cards for her and her mother,
whether the entertainment was attended or
not.

See also DEBUTS.



DEBUTS. A debut may be made at a dinner,
reception, or ball. The debutante's card
should be enclosed with the invitation, reading:
Miss Wilson; or, if a younger daughter,
Miss Minnie Wilson. For an "At
Home" debut, the least formal of all these
entertainments, the name of the debutante is
engraved below that of her mother.

The mother and elder unmarried sisters
prior to the debut should call formally upon
those whom they wish to invite to the ceremony.
Cards of the family are left, including
those of father and brothers.

BALLS--INVITATIONS. When a young woman is
to be introduced into society by a ball given
in her honor, the parents may use a Mr. and
Mrs. calling card, with the words added in
writing: Dancing at ten o'clock, with card of
the debutante enclosed.

Or the parents may use a specially engraved
invitation.

CARDS, LEAVING. At the entertainments at a
debut, as at a supper, cards should be left for
the mother and daughter, and if guests are
unable to be present, they should send them
the day of the entertainment.

ENTERTAINMENTS. Debuts may be an "At
Home," supper, or dinner, the latter being
more formal, and only intimate friends being
invited. When making her debut, the debutante
should stand beside her mother in the
drawing-room, near the door, and be introduced
by her. On formal occasions the
father stands with them. The debutante
may receive flowers from intimate friends
only.

AT HOMES. These are the least formal.

SUPPERS OR DINNERS. If the debut takes the
form of a supper or dinner, the brother takes
in the debutante, and the father the most
distinguished woman; or, if there is no
brother, he takes in the debutante himself,
and she is seated at his left hand. The
mother is escorted by the most distinguished
man.

Should dancing follow, the mother should
select the first partner, who dances but once,
when others are at liberty to follow.

GUESTS. Guests should offer congratulations to
a debutante at her debut in a few well-chosen
words, and also to the parents. A few
moments of conversation with her only is admissible.

INVITATIONS. Invitations are engraved, and
should be sent by mail or messenger two
weeks in advance, addressed to Mr. and Mrs.
A, or Mrs. B, or The Misses A. While the
invitations to a family may be enclosed in
one envelope and sent to the principal one
of the family, the son of the family should
receive a separate invitation. Men should
receive separate invitations and acknowledge
them, in person.

Acknowledgment is mot necessary for an
"At Home" debut occurring in the afternoon,
but would be for a formal one in the
evening, for which special engraved invitations
had been sent.

If invitations for an afternoon "At Home"
reception are accepted, cards should be left
for mother and daughter. And, if not attending,
cards should be sent by mail or
messenger.



DIAMOND WEDDINGS. These occur after seventy-
five years of married life, and naturally are
of very rare occurrence. If they are celebrated,
the invitation may bear the words:
NO PRESENTS RECEIVED, and congratulations
may be extended in accepting or declining
the invitation. An entertainment should be
provided for. Any article of diamonds or
precious stones is appropriate as a gift.



DINNERS. If the circle of acquaintances is large,
a series of dinners is necessary during the
season.

Dinners should begin at an hour between
seven-thirty and eight-thirty.

The dining-room should be bright and
attractive, well lighted, and artistically decorated
with flowers.

The success of a dinner lies in the selection
of the guests, with regard to their
congeniality to each other, and their conversational
powers and varying attainments. It
is better to have a few at a time, perhaps
eight, as a larger number is unmanageable.

CALLS. Guests should call soon after the dinner.

DRESS. Full dress is worn by both men and
women.

GUESTS. When guests are not congenial, or have
dislikes, they should not show it, but appear
as if the contrary were the case.

Guests should be prompt in arriving at the
hour named.

At the table it is in good taste to accept
whatever is offered, eating it or not, as one
desires. Wines should be accepted, even if
one does not partake of them. And if a toast
is offered, a guest should recognize the courtesy
by raising his glass.

Conversing across the table is permissible,
provided the distance does not require the
voice to be unduly raised.

When coffee is served in the drawing-room,
young women serve, and the men hand it to
the guests.

When the men re-enter the drawing-room
after the coffee, the guests should retire,
unless some further entertainment follows.
This is usually about eleven o'clock. When
leaving, a guest should thank the host and
hostess, making some agreeable and appropriate
remark suitable to the occasion.

HOST. When dinner is announced, the host
offers his left arm to the woman he escorts.
She may be the special invited guest, or the
most prominent guest present.

The signal for all to rise is given by the
hostess, who bows to the woman on the host's
right. The men escort the women to the
door or drawing-room, after which they return,
and cigars and liquors are offered.

The host wears full dress.

GUEST LATE. The host should always come
forward to shake hands with the late-comer,
and help him to find his seat, and do all in
his power to make his late-coming quickly
overlooked.

HOSTESS. The hostess receives her guest at the
parlor entrance.

At table the guests should remain standing
until all have found their places, when the
host and hostess seat themselves, after which
the others follow. The men should assist the
women they escort before taking their own
seats.

At an informal dinner a hostess should introduce
a man to the woman he is to escort
to dinner, informing him whether he is to sit
on the right or left hand of the host.

When the dinner is announced the host
with his escort leads the way, followed by the
guests, and the hostess and her escort come
last.

GUEST LATE. The hostess should always bow
and shake hands with a guest arriving late,
but does not rise unless the guest is a woman.

HOURS. Dinners begin from 7 to 8 P.M., and
usually last from one hour to an hour and a
half.

INTRODUCTIONS. If a man is not acquainted with
the woman assigned to him, the hostess
should introduce him to the woman.

INVITATIONS. These should be acknowledged
immediately by a letter of acceptance, or declining
with regret.

The invitations are given in the name of
husband and wife, and should be sent out
two or four weeks in advance. R. S. V. P.
is not used, and they should be answered
immediately.

Invitations to a dinner in honor of a special
guest are engraved, and state this fact. If
for good reasons there is not sufficient time
to engrave, an ordinary invitation may be
used, and a visiting-card enclosed, upon which
is written: To meet Miss Wilson.

For ceremonious dinners, cards may be engraved,
with place for guest's name left blank
and filled in by hand.

When frequent dinners are given, invitations
may be engraved, with blanks to be
filled with dates, etc.

Written invitations are also proper to indicate
an unceremonious dinner. Note sheets
can be used.

HUSBAND AND WIFE. Both the husband and
wife should always be invited to a dinner.

When a husband and wife are invited to
dinner, and the former does not accept, the
wife should decline, giving her reason. The
hostess can then invite the wife only, who
may accept.

MEN. Full dress is necessary for all except informal
dinners.

The man at the door, after asking the
guest's name, hands him an envelope, with
his name upon it, enclosing a card with the
name of the woman he is to escort to dinner;
or these envelopes may be in the dressing-
rooms, if preferred. It will also be designated
at which side of the table (right or
left) a man is to sit; or a diagram of the
table, with the names of the guests, should
be hung in each dressing-room. The guests
pair off as indicated.

As soon as possible a man should seek the
woman assigned to him, and inform her that
he will be pleased to act as her escort, disguising
any personal preference he may have
otherwise.

He should offer his left arm when escorting
her to dinner.

When the dinner is announced, the host
leads the way with the woman he escorts,
and the rest follow. To avoid confusion, a
man should remember on which side of the
table he is to sit, his place being indicated by
a dinner card.

If unacquainted with the woman a man is
to escort to dinner, he should seek an introduction
from the hostess.

When the women rise to leave, the men
rise and remain standing until the women
leave the dining-room, or they may accompany
them to the drawing-room, and then
return for coffee and cigars. They should
not remain longer than half an hour.

LEAVING CARDS. After a dinner a man should
leave a card for host and hostess, whether
the invitation was accepted or not; or it
may be sent by mail or messenger, with an
apology for so doing.

PRECEDENCE. The host offers his right arm to
the woman who is the guest, or the most distinguished
woman, or the eldest, or the one
invited for the first time. If the dinner is
given in honor of a married couple, the host
would take in the wife, and the husband
would accompany the hostess, who comes
last in the procession into the dining-room.

It is a fixed rule that relatives, or husbands
and wives, are never seated together.

If possible, there should be an equal number
of men and women, and if the latter outnumber
the former, the hostess enters alone.

SECOND HELPING. At formal dinner parties,
luncheons, and breakfasts, second helpings
are never offered by the host or hostess, and
should not be asked for by the guests. This
is only permissible at a small dinner party
or at the daily family meal.

Of course, this does not apply to a second
glass of water for which the guest might ask,
or for wine, for which the butler should keep
a good lookout.

TABLE ETIQUETTE. See TABLE ETIQUETTE.

WOMEN. When wraps have been removed, and
the woman leaves the dressing-room, the escort
chosen by the hostess approaches and makes
known the fact, accompanying her to the
table. If the escort is not thoroughly agreeable
to the woman, she should conceal the
fact.

At the conclusion of a dinner the hostess rises
and the women follow, leaving their napkins
unfolded. They retire to the drawing-room,
while the men remain for coffee and cigars.
If the men prefer, they may escort them to
the drawing-room, where they bow and return.

GLOVES. Women may remove their gloves at
table, and it is not necessary to replace them.
They should be laid in the lap. The hostess
generally determines whether the women
should resume their gloves or not by her own
actions.

Full dress is worn.

GIVEN BY MEN--WOMEN. A young woman may
accept a man's invitation, provided she has
the consent of her mother or guardian, and
is assured that there will be present a chaperone.

GIVEN BY BACHELORS. See BACHELORS' DINNERS.



DINNER DANCE.

INVITATIONS. The hostess issues two sets of
invitations--one for those invited to both the
dinner and the dance, and one for those invited
to the dance only.

For the former she could use her usual
engraved dinner cards with the words: Dancing
at eleven, and for the latter her usual
engraved At Home cards with the words:
Dancing at eleven.

A less formal way for the latter invitation
is to use the Mr. and Mrs. card or Mrs. and
Miss card, and to write on it in the lower left
hand corner: Dancing at ten, February the
tenth.



DOCTOR--HOW ADDRESSED. A doctor or physician
should be addressed as Dr. both by correspondence
and in conversation.

This title of Dr. must not be confounded
with the honorary degree of Doctor of Divinity,
conferred upon clergymen by educational
institutions, and the degree of Doctor of
Philosophy, conferred upon college professors
after certain conditions of study have been
complied with.



DOWAGER DUCHESS. See DUCHESS, DOWAGER.



DOWAGER MARCHIONESS. See MARCHIONESS, DOWAGER.



DRESS.

AFTERNOON. See AFTERNOON--DRESS.

AFTERNOON TEAS. See AFTERNOON TEAS--DRESS.

AT HOMES. See AT HOMES--DRESS.

BACHELORS' DINNERS. See BACHELOR'S DINNERS--
DRESS.

BACHELORS' TEAS. See BACHELOR'S TEAS--DRESS.

BALLS. See BALLS--DRESS.

BREAKFASTS. See BREAKFASTS--DRESS.

CHRISTENINGS. See CHRISTENING--DRESS.

COTILLIONS. See COTILLIONS--DRESS.

COTILLIONS BY SUBSCRIPTIONS. See COTILLIONS
BY SUBSCRIPTIONS--DRESS.

DANCES. See DANCES--DRESS.

DINNERS. See DINNERS--DRESS.

EVENING. See EVENING DRESS.

GARDEN PARTIES. See GARDEN PARTIES--DRESS.

HIGH TEAS. See HIGH TEAS--DRESS.

HOUSE PARTIES. See HOUSE PARTIES--DRESS.

LUNCHEONS. See LUNCHEONS--DRESS.

MATINEES. See MATINEES--DRESS.

MUSICALES. See MUSICALES--DRESS.

THEATRES. See THEATRES--DRESS.

WEDDINGS. See WEDDINGS--DRESS.



DRESS--MEN AND WOMEN. For particulars as to dress
at different functions, see each entertainment
--as, Balls, Dinners, At Homes, Theatres,
Breakfasts, etc.



DRESS--WOMEN.

BRIDE. See BRIDE--DRESS.

BRIDESMAIDS. See BRIDESMAIDS--DRESS.

CALLS. See CALLS--WOMEN--DRESS.

FUNERALS. See FUNERALS--WOMEN--DRESS.

MAID OF HONOR. See MAID OF HONOR--DRESS.

MOURNING. See MOURNING--DRESS, WOMEN.

DRESSING-ROOMS. At all entertainments,
dressing-rooms should be provided for both
the men and for the women, with suitable
attendants, where all outer wraps, coats, over-
shoes, etc., should be left.



DRIVING

MEN. When driving with a woman, a man should
be careful that the carriage is well drawn up
to the steps, and that she be given time in
which to comfortably seat herself before he
begins to drive.

A man when driving with a woman should
refrain from asking her permission to smoke,
and, of course, would never do so without her
permission.

He should be careful to lift his hat as if he
were on the street, and if this is not possible,
to touch it with the whip in place of a bow.

The host of a coaching party, if he is also
the whip, would give the chaperone the seat
on the box at the left of his, unless he wished
that seat to be occupied by some special young
woman. The person occupying this seat
should always be helped by the host to climb
to her place.

It is customary when the coach is a high
one to seat a woman between two men, and
they would ascend and descend in the order
in which they were seated.

Even if the woman asks a man to drive with
her, he should help her to her seat, and be
ready to step down when a halt is made to
assist her to alight.

It is not customary when a woman has
asked a man to drive with her for her to call
for him at his club or home, but to meet him
at her house.

DRESS. The whip wears a gray suit with a gray
high hat and gray gloves, with a white silk
tie and white linen. But in summer this costume
is often made lighter and more comfortable
to suit the weather, and a straw hat
or panama, with flannel trousers and dark
serge sacque coat, would be in good taste.

There are no hard and fast rules governing
the dress of men when driving.

WOMEN. The etiquette in general is the same
for a woman as for a man.

When a woman asks a man or a male relative
to drive with her, she does not call for
him, but meets him at her door. Even if a
groom is present, he should help her to
mount to her seat, and at the proper time
descend before her and help her to alight.

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