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The Book of Good Manners

W >> W. C. Green >> The Book of Good Manners




If both become widows, and yet wish to
retain their husbands' Christian names, the
daughter-in-law would add Jr. on her cards.



STAG PARTIES. A party composed of men exclusively
is sometimes so designated. They
are usually informal in character, but may be
as elaborate in detail as desired.

DRESS. The Tuxedo coat and black tie is worn,
unless at a formal stag party, when evening
dress is appropriate.



STATE, SECRETARY OF-HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have, sir,
the honor to remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Mr. Wilson,
and ends: I have the honor to remain most
sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: Hon. John
J. Wilson, Secretary of State.



STATIONERY.

MEN. The variations from plainness and quietness
in the use of stationery that are permitted
women are denied to men. Their
paper is never perfumed, and all fancy styles
are in poor taste.

For his social correspondence a man should
use white or gray linen or bank-note unruled
paper, folding once in the envelope.

He may, of course, use for social correspondence
his club stationery.

Under no circumstances should he use his
business stationery for social correspondence.

WOMEN. Unruled plain white or gray paper,
that folds once in the envelope, and black
ink, are the standard materials for social correspondence.

While it is permissible to use some of the
latest fancy stationery, care should be taken
that it is quiet in taste, and that all merely
temporary variations are avoided.

While it is better not to use perfumed
paper, if any perfume is used it should be
extremely delicate.

Elderly women are apt to favor Irish linen
or similar stationery.



STRANGERS-INVITATIONS TO A BALL ASKED FOR BY FRIENDS.
See BALLS-INVITATIONS ASKED FOR STRANGERS.



STREET-CARS AND OTHER CONVEYANCES.

MEN. The old custom of a man giving up his
seat in a street-car to a woman is being gradually
done away with. This is due largely
to the fact that women are now so extensively
engaged in commercial business that
they are constant riders at the busy hours,
end thus come into direct competition with
men.

A well-bred man, however, will show his
manliness by giving any woman his seat and
standing himself, as she is less fitted for such
hardships and annoyances. A man should
always give his seat to an elderly woman,
one accompanied with children, or one apparently
weak and sickly. In giving his seat
to a woman, a man should politely bow and
raise his hat.

It is good form for a man to assist a woman
getting on or off a car. If a man is accompanied
by a woman when she leaves the car,
he should help her off the car.

A man should always be polite and courteous
toward a conductor, as the latter's
position is a hard and trying one.

A man should never cross his legs or keep
his feet extended in the passageway.

If a man finds it necessary to crowd into a
car already full, he should do so with consideration
and politeness, and with an apology
for pressing against any one. It is better to
stand than to crowd yourself into a small
space between those who are seated.

EXPENSES. A man traveling with another man
can pay the latter's fare if he wishes. But
if he is accompanied by a woman he should
pay her fare. If he is in the car, and other
acquaintances, men or women, enter, they
should pay their own fares.

WOMEN. A woman should not look with a
pained and injured air at the men passengers
because no one of them has offered her a seat.
The great influx of women into the commercial
world, and their being thrown into direct
competition with men, has largely done away
with the fine old custom of men giving up
their seats to women. The impoliteness of
many women in accepting a seat as a matter
of right and not of courtesy, and perhaps
without a "Thank you," has helped largely
to bring about the present state of affairs.
No woman of ordinary good manners should
fail to express her thanks for the courtesy
proffered. If a woman is offered a seat she
should accept it at once-without urging.

A man may assist a woman in getting off
a car. If a woman is accompanied by a man
and she leaves the car, he should assist her
to alight.

A woman should wait till a car absolutely
stops before she gets on or off, and she
should face the front when leaving the car.

If possible, a woman should have her car-fare
handy or easy of access-preferably in
her hand-before entering the car if it is
crowded. A woman should avoid crowding
into a small space between others, and it is
better for her to stand than to occupy barely
the edge of a seat. If it is absolutely necessary
for her to enter a crowded car, she
should do so with an apology to those whom
she may crowd.

CONDUCTOR. A conductor occupies a difficult
and trying position, and will always appreciate
any courtesy shown him by a woman.
If a woman desires a transfer, she should let
him know in ample time; if she wants any information
from him, she should ask him when
paying her fare, and should indicate her desire
to leave the car at least a block ahead of
her street. A woman should not trust to a
conductor to remember her street, even if she
has asked him, but should look out for the
street herself.

EXPENSES. If a woman is in a car and a man
joins her, and the fare is not yet collected, she
should pay her own fare. But if she is traveling
with an escort she should not offer to
pay her fare, as her escort pays the expenses.



STREET ETIQUETTE.



MEN. If a man is passed on the street without
any recognition by an acquaintance, he should
hesitate before accepting it as a direct cut, as
it may have been an oversight. If it is repeated,
he will know its full meaning.

To pass a person whom one knows and to
look straight at him without recognition is
the rudest way of dropping an acquaintance.

A man should avoid loud and boisterous
behavior.

If a man is compelled to force his way
through a crowded street, he should do so
courteously and with an apology to any one
inconvenienced by his act.

In walking three or four abreast, men
should be careful not to obstruct the thoroughfare,
but should quickly fall into single
file when necessary.

A man should greet his acquaintances on
the street quietly and courteously, and if on
a crowded street, should step out of the way
of persons and be brief in his remarks.

In all public places and conveyances a
man should offer his seat to a woman, though
he is not expected to do so when reserved
seats can be obtained--as, in a theatre, at
an opera, etc.

ACCIDENTS. In case of accident or danger a man
should protect the woman whom he escorts,
and take her to a place of safety. If her
clothing is torn, or she has met with some
accident of which she is unaware, a man may,
if he desires, politely raise his hat and call
her attention to the fact. If by accident a
man jostles a woman or steps upon her dress,
he should raise his hat, bow, and apologize,
whether he knows her or not.

BOWING. A man should not bow to a woman
until she has first recognized him, unless they
are old acquaintances.

A man should acknowledge the salutation
of a woman on the street, even if he does not
know her, as it saves her from embarrassment
at her mistake.

When bidding farewell to a woman after a
conversation on the street, a man should bow
and raise his hat.

If a man offers his seat to a woman in a car
or other conveyance, he should raise his hat
and bow, while her escort acknowledges the
courtesy by doing the same.

When a man opens a door for a woman
unknown to him, he should bow, while she
enters in advance of him.

A man should raise his hat and bow on all
occasions when offering any courtesy to a
woman, whether stranger or acquaintance.

A man may bow to an elderly man or person
of official position.

A man may offer his services to a woman
in crossing a crowded thoroughfare, and
should raise his hat and bow when she is
safely over, but should, make no comment
unless she does so first. He may also offer
her assistance in getting on or off a car, raising
his hat and bowing without remark.

If a man is accompanied by a woman and
another man extends a courtesy to her, he
should acknowledge it by bowing and giving
a polite "Thank you."

If when walking with a man a woman
meets a male acquaintance who bows, her
escort should raise his hat and bow, though
the two men are strangers to each other. If
the escort meets a man known to him, both
men should raise their hats and bow.

CANES AND UMBRELLAS. These should be carried
vertically, never horizontally, thereby
endangering other persons' eyes. Especially
is this important when entering cars or going
up long flights of steps-as, the stairs of the
elevated railroad.

CONVERSATION. A man who meets a woman,
and desires to engage in conversation with
her, should ask permission to accompany her.
If this is granted, he may proceed a short
distance, unless requested to go farther.

When meeting a woman on the street and
stopping to converse with her, a man should
raise his hat and replace it, as it is not now
in good form for a man to remain bareheaded
until requested by the woman to replace his
hat.

A man should avoid stopping a woman on
the street to engage her in conversation.

Only an intimate acquaintance with a woman
warrants a man joining her on the street. If
it is not agreeable, it may be very embarrassing
to her.

SMOKING. A man should never smoke while
walking with a woman on a street. Smoking
on fashionable thoroughfares is bad form.

A man should avoid expectorating upon a
sidewalk, and, if it must be done, should
walk to the curb and use the street for that
purpose.

WALKING. A man should not walk between two
women, but at the side nearest the curb.

When walking with a woman, a man
should walk near the curb, unless passing
an obstruction-as, a building in course of
construction-when she should have the outer
side to protect her from harm, or from coming
in contact with disagreeable things.

A man should offer his right arm to a
woman, but this is rarely necessary in the
daytime. It is essential, however, and
proper for him to do so after dark.

WOMEN. Conduct on the street should always
be reserved. It is bad form to loudly laugh
or to boldly glance at the passers-by, especially
men.

Women should never walk three or four
abreast.

Women may salute each other with a bow
and a handshake, but a kiss in public is no
longer in good form.

During a promenade, where friends pass
and repass, it is not necessary to exchange
greetings to each other.

A polite "Thank you," with a bow and a
smile, should be the reward of any man extending
a courtesy to a woman.

BOWING. It is the woman's privilege to determine
whom she will publicly recognize, and
therefore she should bow first to all men
whom she desires to favor. This formality
is, however, unnecessary with intimate
friends.

UMBRELLAS. These should be carried vertically,
and never horizontally under the arm.

WALKING. If a woman is walking with a man,
and another man stops to speak, it would be
in exceeding bad taste to ask him to join her.

A woman should take a man's right arm,
but only after dark, unless for some special
reason-as, weakness, etc.-it is necessary.

If a woman is walking alone, and a man of
her acquaintance stops and speaks, he may
ask permission to accompany her farther,
which, if agreeable, should be granted. She
may stop for a few moments' chat, and shake
hands if she wishes. If he stands before her
with uncovered head, she should promptly
ask him to replace his hat. She should not
block the thoroughfare, and should take the
initiative if he does not step to one side.
If agreeable, an invitation may be extended
to him to walk a short distance.



SUBSCRIPTION BALLS.
MEN. Shortly after receiving an invitation to a
subscription ball, a man should leave a card
for the patroness inviting him.

INVITATIONS. In addition to the regular invitations,
it is customary to guard against the
admission of persons not really invited by
the use of vouchers to be shown at the
hall door, or some similar precaution is
taken.

When a subscriber sends an invitation and
a voucher, he should send in the same
envelope one of his calling cards.



SUNDAY CALLS. Informal calls may be made on
Sunday after three o'clock by business and
professional men, provided there are no religious
or other scruples on the part of those receiving
the calls.

Men should wear afternoon dress.



SUPPERS GIVEN BY MEN--WOMEN. A young woman
may accept a man's invitation, provided she
has the consent of her mother or guardian,
and is assured that a chaperone will be present.



SUPPERS--MEN. Suppers are generally for men.
The hours are from ten to eleven. A man can
give such entertainments in bachelor apartments
or restaurant, and if women are invited,
chaperones should be present.

The invitations may be given personally,
written, or a visiting-card may be used,
giving hour and date. If the supper is given in
honor of a special guest, engraved cards or
note sheets are used.

Suppers may be of various kinds--such as
Fish, Game, Wine, Champagne.



SUPPERS AND THEATRE PARTIES.
MEN. A man should not invite a young woman
to a theatre party or supper without inviting
her mother or a chaperone to accompany
them. At large theatre parties or suppers,
when there are ten or more guests, several
chaperones should be invited. Any married
or elderly unmarried woman can act as
chaperone, care being taken that they are
well-known and agreeable to all, as much of the
pleasure of the evening depends upon them.
CARRIAGES. A conveyance holding a large party
can be sent to take invited guests to the
entertainment. The chaperone should be
called for first, and should be the last one to
be left at home upon returning. The chaperones
may use their own carriages and call
for guests if they desire. If the chaperones
call for the guests, the men can be met at the
place of amusement. Conveyances should
be provided for guests.



SUPPERS GIVEN BY BACHELORS.
See BACHELORS' SUPPERS.



TABLE ETIQUETTE. It is correct to take a little of all
that is offered, though one may not care for it.
Bend slightly over the plate when carrying
the food to the mouth, resuming upright
position afterward.

When drinking from a cup or glass, raise it
gracefully to the mouth and sip the contents.
Do not empty the vessel at one draught.

Guests should not amuse themselves by
handling knife or fork, crumbling bread, or
leaning their arms on the table. They should
sit back in their chairs and assume an easy
position.

A guest at a dinner should not pass a plate
or any article to another guest, or serve the
viands, unless asked to do so by the hostess.

Upon leaving the table, push the chair
back far enough to be out of the way of others.

ACCIDENTS. Accidents, or anything that may be
amiss at the table, should be unobserved by a
guest unless he is the cause of it. In that
event some pleasant remark as to his awkwardness
should be made and no more. The
waiter should attend to the matter at once.

If a fork or a spoon is dropped it should
not be picked up by the guest, but another
used, or ask the waiter to provide one.

CONVERSATION. Aim at bright and general conversation,
avoiding all personalities and any
subject that all cannot join in. This is
largely determined by the character of the
company. The guests should accommodate
themselves to their surroundings.

See also FINGER-BOWL, KNIFE AND FORK,
SECOND HELPING, SEEDS, SPOON, TOOTHPICKS,
WINES, and names of individual fruits and
foods--as, APPLES, BREAD, etc.



TALKING--THEATRES. Conversation during the progress
of the play or the opera should be
avoided and confined to the intermissions.
The theatregoer should avoid all noise, gestures,
or actions that would annoy others.

A man would be justified, when annoyed by
a person talking loud near him, in asking
him politely to speak lower.



TEAS.

Invitations. These need no acknowledgment.

Given by bachelors.
See BACHELORS' TEAS.

Afternoon.
See AFTERNOON TEAS.

High.
See HIGH TEA.



TELEPHONE INVITATIONS. Telephone invitations should
be sent only to those with whom the utmost
intimacy exists, and who will pardon the
informality.



THEATRE. A young man may invite a young woman
to the theatre or opera, even if he has but a
slight acquaintance with her, but of course
he should secure the permission of her parents
or chaperone.

It is correct for the young man to inquire
if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not,
he should state in what part of the house he
proposes to secure seats. This will enable
her to determine how to dress.

If the young woman wears street toilette,
her escort may take her in any public conveyance,
but if she wears evening dress, he
should provide a carriage.

At the theatre he should precede the woman
down the aisle to the seat or box; but if it is
the latter, he should open the door and wait
for her to pass.

A man may use his judgment as to the aisle
seat. If a better view can be had, or seemingly
objectionable people are next the inside
seat, it is perfectly proper to give the woman
the aisle seat.

A man should never leave his companion
between the acts. The custom of both men
and women going into the foyer at that time
is a growing one, and is a relief to the
audience.

Refreshments at some fashionable place
may follow after the entertainment.

For a man to call on an acquaintance in an
opera box does not relieve one of the duty of
making a formal call in return for social
favors.

BONNET. A woman of any consideration will
either wear no bonnet at all or remove it as
soon as the curtain is raised.

It would be in place for a man or woman
whose view is hampered by a bonnet to politely
ask the wearer to remove it, and when
it is done, to thank her.

MEN--LEAVING CARDS. After a theatre party
given by a man, he should call within three
days on the woman he escorted or leave his
card.

PRECEDENCE. In entering a theatre a man precedes
the women of his party, but after he
has handed his coupons to the ushers he
gives the women precedence, and follows
them to their seats.

TALKING. Conversation during the progress of
the play or the opera should be avoided, and
confined to the intermissions.

The theatregoer should avoid all noise,
gestures, or actions tending to annoy others
or to render himself conspicuous.

A man would be justified, when annoyed
by a person talking loud near him, in asking
him politely to speak lower.



THEATRE AND OPERA PARTIES.

GIVEN BY MEN. A man giving a theatre or
opera party should secure one or more
chaperones if women are to be present.

CALLS. The host should call upon his guests
within three days or a week after the event.

CARRIAGES. The host may, if he choose, send
carriages or a stage to collect all the guests.
This is a formal and agreeable way to begin
the evening's pleasure. The chaperone
should be called for first. A more informal
way is quite popular. The invitations having
been given and accepted, the host informs
each of his guests as to the others, and leaves
a ticket with each one. All then meet
informally at the place of amusement. If a
dinner is given before the entertainment,
carriages are provided to convey the guests
to the theatre.

CHAPERONE. A chaperone should always be
present if women are to be members of the
party. And if a stage or carriage calls for
the guests, it should call first for the
chaperone.

The chaperone who acts as hostess should
decide the hour to close the festivities.

DINNERS. If a dinner is given before the performance,
it is generally given at six o'clock,
the usual customs being followed. If preferred,
the dinner may follow the performance,
and may be given at any fashionable
restaurant or hotel. If it is given before the
play, at its termination the guests are conveyed
in carriages or stage to the theatre at
the expense of the host.

After the entertainment it is a good plan
for the party to return to the banqueting-room
to partake of slight refreshments.

DRESS. Men wear evening dress. Women wear
full evening dress.

INVITATIONS. He may invite his guests in person
or by note. In either case he should secure
the parents' permission to allow the
young women to attend, and should be ready
to supply all information regarding the men
who will be present, and also the chaperones.

MEN. The escorts should see the women home
unless they are called for by the male members
of their families, in which case they may
be accompanied to their conveyances. If a
young woman is called for by her maid in a
carriage, her escort may take her home.

Intimacy of the parties largely regulates
the etiquette of such occasions. They can
decide whether evening or street dress shall
be worn, and seat themselves accordingly.
A carriage should be provided.

When entering an opera or theatre box for
a short call, a man should stand and bow,
making some pleasant remark to the chaperone.
If there is an empty chair, he may sit
and talk a few minutes and retire as others
enter.

WOMEN. Between the acts it is perfectly proper
to go into the foyer with the escort, who
should carry the woman's wraps and see that
all her wants are attended to. Should she
desire anything, she should call on him first.

The hat or bonnet should be removed.

In a box the women occupy the front row
while the men sit or stand in the rear.

A woman should avoid conspicuous
manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting
in any way to attract attention.

GIVEN BY WOMEN. This is a popular form of entertainment
during the season. They are
given by married women, and the guests are
invited by note. A dinner is given at the
house or at a restaurant before the departure
for the opera or play. Refreshments
may also be given after the entertainment at
either the house or restaurant. At the dinner
the same ceremonies are followed as to
arrangements of guests and escorts as at any
formal dinner.

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