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The Book of Good Manners

W >> W. C. Green >> The Book of Good Manners






PATRONESSES. It is customary for the management
of any institution giving a public ball to
formally invite six, eight, or more married
women to act as patronesses, and for their
names to appear on the invitations. If
badges are worn, each patroness is sent one
or given one at the ball-room.

The patronesses, after being welcomed at
the ball by the management committees, take
their places, ready to receive the guests.

The Committee of Arrangements should
look after the patronesses, introduce
distinguished guests to them, escort them to
supper and finally to their carriages.

See also COTILLIONS BY SUBSCRIPTIONS--
PATRONESSES. DANCES.



PEACHES should be quartered and the quarters peeled,
then taken up by the fingers and eaten.



PEAS are eaten with a fork.



PLUMS AND GRAPES should be eaten one by one, and
the pits allowed to fall noiselessly into the
half-closed hand and then transferred to the
plate.



POSTAL CARDS. It is wise to restrict the use of
postals to impersonal communications; but if
they must be used, the message should be
brief with an apology for its use. It is a
good plan in addition to omit the usual My
dear, and to sign with the initials only and
the full surname.



POSTPONING DINNERS See CANCELING DINNERS.



POSTPONING WEDDINGS. See WEDDINGS--INVITATIONS
RECALLED.



PRECEDENCE.

DINNERS. See DINNERS--PRECEDENCE.

FUNERALS. See FUNERALS--PRECEDENCE.

THEATRE. See THEATRE--PRECEDENCE.



PRESENTS. See GIFTS.



PRESIDENT--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter
begins: Sir, and ends: I have the honor to
remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Mr.
President, and ends: I have the honor to remain
most sincerely yours.

The address on the envelope is: President
John Wilson.



PRINCE, ROYAL--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter
begins: Sir, may it please your Royal
Highness, and ends: I have the honor to remain,
sir, your Royal Highness' humble servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Sir, and
ends: Your Royal Highness' most obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To His
Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales.

PRINCESS, 'ROYAL-HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter
begins: Madam, may it please your Royal
Highness, and ends: Your Royal Highness'
most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Madam, and
ends: Your Royal Highness' most obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To Her
Royal Highness, the Princess of Wales.



PRIVATE WEDDINGS. These are attended only by
intimate friends and members of the
family, and vary but little from home weddings.

If the family is in mourning the cards are
issued with the name of bride and groom
and new address, together with card having
bride's maiden name, and the announcement
cards are sent after the ceremony.

Afternoon dress should be worn at an afternoon
wedding, and evening dress at an evening
wedding.



PROPOSALS OF MARRIAGE. The time, manner, and details
of proposals of marriage are appropriately
left to the good taste and judgment
of the groom. If the proposal is rejected,
good taste, womanly refinement, and courteous
consideration demand that it be kept
an inviolate secret, and any such breach of
confidence may be rightly deemed the act of
a woman without taste or tact, and unworthy
of respect.

Proposals by women, while permissible,
are not customary.



PUBLIC BALLS, By public balls are meant county and
charity balls, and balls given by social institutions
where dancing is the main feature.
These public balls differ from private ones in
that all the duties of the hostess fall upon
some committees.

These committees would follow the same
rules as laid down for a hostess--issuing
engraved invitations from fourteen to seventeen
days in advance, engaging a caterer,
etc.

The etiquette for a public ball is the same
as for a private one, save that guests arrive
and depart when they please without taking
leave of those who receive, and men wishing
introductions apply for them to the Floor or
Reception Committee.

At the cloak-rooms a small fee is paid to
the attendant.

SEE ALSO all entries under Balls.

BADGES. It is customary for the men and women
on the committees to wear on the left side of
the breast ornamental and embroidered
badges, with the official position designated
on it.

COMMITTEE. The committee at a public ball
takes the place of the hostess, filling all her
duties and offices.

PATRONESSES. It is customary for the management
formally to invite six, eight, or more
married women to act as patronesses of the
ball, and for their names to appear on the
invitations. If badges are prepared for the
patronesses, one is sent to each patroness or
handed to her on the evening of the dance.

The patronesses should be welcomed at
the ball by the management, and they then
take their position ready to receive the guests.

The management should look after the
patronesses, to see that they are taken into
supper, to introduce prominent guests to
them, and, finally, to escort the patronesses to
their carriages.



PUBLIC PLACES. SEE ALSO ELEVATORS. RESTAURANTS,
STREET-CARS. STREET ETIQUETTE.



R. S. V. P. The use of these letters-standing
for Repondez, s'il vous plait (Answer, if you
please)-is decreasing. All invitations to
which acceptances are expected should be
answered at once. If preferred, however,
the above abbreviations may be used on the
following: invitations to ceremonious receptions,
breakfasts, luncheons, dinners, and to
meet a prominent person.



RAILROAD-MEN. A man should remove his hat in a
parlor-car, but not in a day coach.



RECALLING WEDDING INVITATIONS. When from some
good reason a wedding has to be canceled or
postponed, the parents of the bride should
send, as soon as possible, printed notices, giving
reasons to all the guests.



RECEPTIONS. Reception days are placed in the lower
left-hand corner of visiting-cards-as, UNTIL
LENT, or, In JANUARY-and may be either
engraved or written.

Daughters have no reception day of their
own, but receive on their mother's reception
day.

The etiquette at receptions is the same as
at afternoon teas.

SEE ALSO AFTERNOON TEAS. AT HOMES.

HOURS. Afternoon receptions are held from 4 to
7 P.M.

Evening receptions are held from 9 to
11 P.M.

INVITATIONS, ACCEPTING OR DECLINING. These
should be acknowledged within a week, either
by a letter accepting, or declining with regret.

INTRODUCTIONS. The man should seek an introduction
to any woman he wants to meet.

The hostess makes what introductions she
deems proper.

DRESS. For an afternoon reception guests should
wear afternoon dress, and for an evening reception
evening dress.

AFTERNOON, GIVEN BY BACHELORS. See BACHELORS' TEAS.

EVENING. The etiquette is the same as for an
afternoon tea (formal), save that no cards
are left by the guests, and that the guests
should wear evening dress.

See also AFTERNOON TEAS (FORMAL).

WEDDING. See WEDDING RECEPTIONS.



REFRESHMENTS.

WEDDING RECEPTIONS. The refreshments are
placed on tables, and the guests help themselves
or are helped by the bridesmaids.
The groom and bride are waited upon by the
guests.



REGISTER, SIGNING OF. This is sometimes done by
the bride and the groom. This takes place
in the vestry, and the best man signs as chief
witness and some of the guests as witnesses.



REHEARSALS, WEDDING. Rehearsals should be held
even for a quiet home wedding, and at a sufficiently
early date to insure the presence of
all who are to participate.



REPORTERS AT WEDDINGS. If such is the wish of the
family of the bride, the best man attends to
the reporters, and furnishes them with the
names of groom, bride, relatives, friends, description
of gowns, and other suitable details.



RESIDENCE, CHANGE OF--WOMEN. After a change of
residence, the cards of the entire family should
be sent out as soon as possible.



RESTAURANTS. If at a table, and a woman bows, the
man should rise and bow in return. If a
man is one of a party sitting at a table, and a
woman with her escort stops to pass greetings,
he should rise and stand until they depart.

One man introduced to another who is surrounded
by male friends should rise to acknowledge
the honor of the introduction.

When a man is with a woman he should
exercise great care in recognizing male acquaintances
who may be in doubtful company.
He should avoid being in such company
himself when in such places.

Smoking in restaurants is a general custom.
The rules of the house govern this.

All fees to the waiters should be paid by
the one who pays the bills. If a woman is
paying her own bill when with a man, it is
in order for her to fee the waiter.



RIBBONS AT CHURCH WEDDINGS. One way of
distinguishing the pews reserved for the family,
relatives, and dearest friends of both families
is the placing of white ribbons at the dividing
pews. Before the arrival of the bride,
the ushers, in pairs, at the same time, untie
these ribbons, and stretch them along the
outside of these pews, and thus enclose the
guests and bar further intrusion.

If these ribbons are used, it is a good
plan to enclose in the wedding invitation a
card giving number of pew.

The advantage of not using ribbons is the
avoidance of any possible discrimination.



RICE AT WEDDINGS. The throwing of rice is to be
discouraged; but if it is to be done, the maid
of honor should prepare packages of rice
and hand them to the guests, who throw it
after the bridal couple as they leave the house
for their wedding trip.



RIDING.

MEN. When riding with a woman, a man should
always assist her both to mount and to
alight, even if a groom is present.

It is customary for the woman to set the
pace, and for the man, who always rides on
her right, to accommodate himself to her--
trotting, galloping, or walking his horse as
she may do.

He should always be ready to open all
gates for her, and to do all things that will
make the riding pleasant for her. If at a
fox-hunt, this would mean that he must be
ready to sacrifice much of his personal pleasure
that she may enjoy herself.

DRESS. There is a perfectly well-accepted
dress for men who ride in the park, though
it is open to elderly men to wear clothes less
pronounced.

The correct dress is full riding-breeches,
close-fitting at the knee, leggings, a high-buttoned
waistcoat, and a coat with the conventional
short cutaway tails. The hat is an
alpine or a derby, and the tie the regulation
stock. These, with riding-gloves and a
riding-crop, constitute the regular riding-dress
for a young man.

A man should always consult his tailor,
that the dress in all its details may be strictly
up to date.

WOMEN--DRESS. There is a well-prescribed
riding-dress for women as for men. The
habit of dark material, with skirt falling just
over the feet when in the saddle, and the
close-fitting waist, with long or short tails,
together with the white collar and black or
white tie, constitute the regulation dress.
The derby hat is smaller than formerly.
Gloves of a dark color and a crop with a
bone handle are always in place. Any
jewelry, save that which is absolutely necessary,
should be shunned.

In summer it is permissible to modify this
costume.

As in the case of a man, a woman should
consult a tailor of good practical experience,
that her costume may be in the correct style.



RING, ENGAGEMENT. See ENGAGEMENT RING.



RING, WEDDING. See WEDDING RING.



RISING FROM THE TABLE. The signal to leave the
table is always given by the women, and the
men rise to let the women pass. At a formal
dinner the signal is given by the hostess.



SALT is best taken up with the tip of the knife.



SALTED NUTS are eaten with the fingers.



SEAT OF HONOR is at the right of the host.



SECOND HELPING. At formal dinner parties, luncheons,
and breakfasts, second helpings are
never offered by the host or hostess, and
should not be asked for by the guests. This
is only permissible at a small dinner party
or at the daily family meal.

Of course, this does not apply to a second
glass of water, for which the guest asks, or
for wine. It is the duty of the waiter to see
that the guest is constantly supplied.



SECOND MARRIAGES. See WIDOWS--WEDDINGS.



SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE. See AGRICULTURE, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF COMMERCE. See COMMERCE, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF INTERIOR. SEE INTERIOR, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF NAVY. SEE NAVY, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF STATE. See STATE, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF TREASURY. See TREASURY, SECRETARY OF.



SECRETARY OF WAR. SEE WAR, SECRETARY OF.



SEEDS should be removed from the mouth with the
aid of a fork, or dropped into the half-closed
hand.



SENATOR--HOW ADDRESSED. An official letter begins:
Sir, and ends: I have, sir, the honor to
remain your most obedient servant.

A social letter begins: My dear Senator
Wilson, and ends: Believe me, most sincerely
yours.

The address on the envelope is: Senator
John J. Wilson, or, To the Hon. John J.
Wilson.



SERVANTS-TIPPING. It is customary for guests leaving
a house after a visit to tip the servants,
unless positively requested by the hostess not
to do so. The average tip would be one
dollar, with more for extra attention.



SHAKING HANDS.

DANCES. It is not customary to shake hands at
formal dances.

HOST AND HOSTESS. The host and the hostess
should shake hands with each guest as they
arrive.

If guest takes leave of host and hostess,
they should shake hands. If they are
surrounded by guests, a pleasant nod of farewell
is admissible.

MEN. At a wedding, the opera, or a dance, and
all very formal occasions, gloves should not
be removed when shaking hands.

If the hostess wears gloves at any formal
affair, a man wears his when he shakes hands
with her. He should give a slight pressure
only.

A man with hands gloved should never
shake hands with a woman without an apology
for so doing, unless she likewise wears
gloves. A sudden meeting, etc., may make
a handshaking in gloves unavoidable. Unless
the other party is gloved, a man should
apologize.

When men are introduced to men, they
always shake hands. It is bad form to crush
the hand when shaking it.

When introduced to a woman, men should
bow, but not offer to shake hands.

CALLS. If the woman is seated when a man enters
the room, she rises to greet him, and, if
she wishes, shakes hands. She has the
option to shake hands or not, and should
make the first advances. It is bad form for
him to do so.

WOMEN. Upon introduction, a woman may
shake hands with either men or women, but
a slight inclination of the body, a pleasant
smile, and an appropriate remark are more
correct.

A young girl, upon being introduced to an
older woman, should await the action of the
elder, who will shake hands if kindly disposed.

If one person extends the hand, it should
be accepted without the slightest hesitation,
to avoid embarrassment.



SIGNING LETTERS. See ADDRESSING AND SIGNING LETTERS.



SILK WEDDINGS. This is the name of the forty-fifth
wedding anniversary, and is now seldom observed.
If it is, any article of silk would be
appropriate as a gift, and congratulations
may be extended in accepting or declining
the invitations. The invitations may have
the words: No presents received. An entertainment
usually follows.



SILVER WEDDINGS. After twenty-five years of married
life, the silver wedding may be celebrated.
On the invitations sent out may be
engraved the words: No presents received.

Congratulations may be extended in accepting
or declining the invitation. Any article
of silver is appropriate as a gift. An entertainment
follows.

At a silver wedding the invitations may be
appropriately engraved in a silver-gray color,
and the decorations are usually of the same
color.



SLIPPERS-THROWING AT WEDDINGS. The throwing of
slippers after the bridal couple on their leaving
the house for their wedding trip is in
poor taste.



SMOKING. At a dinner when the women rise, the
men also rise and remain standing until the
former leave the room, when cigars and coffee
are served. Sometimes the men accompany
the women to the drawing-room, bow, and
then return to the dining-room for the coffee
and cigars, where they remain about half an
hour.

Smoking in restaurants is a general custom,
but the rules of the house govern it.
Theatres provide rooms for it, hence it should
be limited to them.

There should be no smoking at afternoon
entertainments, unless the men are requested
to do so by the host and hostess.

At balls a room for smoking is generally
provided. Smoking is not in good taste if a
man is going to dance, as the odor of tobacco
clings to the clothing. There should be no
smoking in the dressing-rooms.

Smoking a pipe in the street is becoming
more common. It is poor taste, however, on
a fashionable street. At best, any smoking
in the street is bad form.

Expectorating on the pavement is a most
reprehensible habit. If it must be done, a
man should step to the curb and expectorate
in the street.

DANCES. Smoking should not be allowed in the
dressing-room, but a special room should be
provided. Men who dance should not smoke
until leaving the house.

IN PRESENCE OF WOMEN. Smoking in the
street while walking with a woman should
never be indulged in, although she seemingly
is agreeable to it. If a man is smoking, and
he stops to speak to a woman, he should
throw away his cigar or cigarette.

A man should not smoke in the presence
of women unless bidden by them to do so.
Few women care to say that it is disagreeable
when asked, hence the better course is to
await permission.

WOMEN. If a woman has true regard for herself,
she should not indulge in smoking; if she
does, it should be in absolute privacy.



SON.

BALLS. A son should do all in his power to
make the ball a success by finding partners
for the women having none, seeing that the
men are introduced to the women, and taking
in to supper a woman without an escort.

CARDS. When a mother is calling, she can leave
cards of her son for the host and hostess if it
is impossible for him to do so himself.

A son entering society can have his cards
left by his mother for a host and hostess.
Invitations to entertainments will follow.



SON (YOUNGER) OF DUKE-HOW ADDRESSED. An official
letter begins: My Lord, and ends: I have
the honor to remain your Lordship's obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable the Lord John J. Kent.

A social letter begins: My dear Lord John
J. Kent, and ends: Believe me, my dear Lord
John, faithfully yours.

The address is: To the Lord John J. Kent.



SON (YOUNGER) OF EARL-HOW ADDRESSED, An official
letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have the
honor to remain your obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Mr. Wilson,
and ends: Believe me, dear Mr. Wilson, sincerely
yours.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Honorable John Wilson.



SON (YOUNGER) OF MARQUIS--HOW ADDRESSED. An
official letter begins: My Lord, and ends: I
have the honor to remain your Lordship's obedient
servant.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Right Honorable the Lord John J. Kent.

A social letter begins: My dear Lord John
J. Kent, and ends: Believe me, my dear Lord
Kent, faithfully yours.

The address is: To the Lord John J. Kent,



SON (YOUNGER) OF VISCOUNT-HOW ADDRESSED. An
official letter begins: Sir, and ends: I have
the honor to remain your obedient servant.

A social letter begins: Dear Mr. Wilson,
and ends: Believe me, dear Mr. Wilson, sincerely
yours.

The address on the envelope is: To the
Honorable John Wilson.



SOUP should be taken from the side of the spoon
without noise and without the plate being
tipped. Men with mustaches are privileged
in this respect, and may take the soup from
the end of the spoon.



SOUVENIRS.

BRIDESMAIDS. These are given by the bride to
her bridesmaids a few days before the wedding,
and take the form of fans or jewelry of
some kind that may be worn at the wedding.

A good time to present them is when the
bride gives a farewell dinner or luncheon to
her bridesmaids.

Failing this, they may be sent a few days
before the wedding.

The souvenirs should, of course, be all the
same in value and in style.

USHERS. The souvenirs given by the groom to
the ushers usually take the form of scarf-pins
or cuff-buttons. Sometimes the groom
also gives the ushers neckties and gloves.

A good time for their distribution is at the
farewell bachelor dinner.



SPONSORS. Only relatives and near friends should
be asked to act as sponsors at a christening.
Two women and one man are asked as sponsors
for a girl, and one woman and two men
for a boy, though one man and one woman
are sufficient in either case.

These may be invited by note or personal
call to act as sponsors, and should answer by
note or personal call.

A few days before the ceremony the sponsor
should send a christening gift addressed
to the child, and the giver's card, with a
suitable sentiment written on it, should be
sent with the gift.

A man may give some article of silver, and,
if a wealthy relative, a bank-book for money
deposited in the child's name.

A woman may present the child with a
garment, a carriage, a cradle, or some similar
article.

It is in good taste for the sponsors to call
immediately on the parents, to send flowers
to the mother, and to show that they are
pleased with the compliment.

The godfather at the ceremony assents to
the vows, and later, at the drinking of the
wine, should propose both the health of the
child and that of its mother.



SPOON. The spoon should never be in the cup while
drinking, but should be left in the saucer.
It is used in eating grapefruit, fruit salads,
small and large fruit (when served with
cream), puddings, jellies, porridges, preserves,
and boiled eggs.



SR, The letters SR. (abbreviation for Senior) are
sometimes added to a woman's name on her
card when her son has the same name as
his father, and it is necessary to distinguish
between the cards of the daughter-in-law and
the mother-in-law.

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