Talbot Mundy - "The Eye of Zeitoon"

Homer Eon Flint - "The Devolutionist and The Emancipatrix"

Joseph Conrad - "The Mirror of the Sea"

Anthony Trollope - "Miss Sarah Jack, of Spanish Town, Jamaica"

The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle




In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not
produced, at least riveted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's
imagination, which we have already observed; and which, during his
residence in the castle, appeared in sundry stratagems he practised
upon his uncle and aunt, under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who
assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his schemes.
Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings; for,
being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and
altogether resigned to their will, they found him a serviceable
instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly.

The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion.
They terrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired
to her devotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of
discords: he could imitate the sound produced by the winding of a
jack, the filing of a saw, and the swinging of a malefactor hanging
in chains; he could counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching
of a night-owl, the caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog,
the squeaking of a pig, the crowing of a cock; and he had learned
the war-whoop uttered by the Indians in North America. These talents
were exerted successively, at different times and places, to the
terror of Mrs. Trunnion, the discomposure of the commodore himself,
and the consternation of all the servants in the castle. Peregrine,
with a sheet over his clothes, sometimes tumbled before his aunt
in the twilight, when her organs of vision were a little impaired
by the cordial she had swallowed; and the boatswain's mate taught
him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so that they made a most
dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions.

The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms,
which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person
in the family; she redoubled her religious exercises, and fortified
her spirits with fresh potations; nay, she began to take notice
that Mr. Trunnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed
dissatisfied when people observed that they never saw him look
better. Her frequent visits to the closet, where all her consolation
was deposited, inspired the confederates with a device which had
like to have been attended with tragical consequences. They found
an opportunity to infuse jalap in one of her case-bottles; and
she took so largely of this medicine, that her constitution had
well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect. She suffered a
succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the
grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a
physician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder.

After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the patient
had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only draughts and
lubricating injections, to defend the coats of the stomach and
intestines from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral;
at the same time hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that
it was not difficult to divine the whole mystery. He affected to
deplore the poor lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the
same nature; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent commodore,
whom the officious son of Aesculapius suspected as the author of
this expedient, to rid his hands of a yoke-fellow for whom he was
well known to have no great devotion. This impertinent and malicious
insinuation made some impression upon the bystanders, and furnished
ample field for slander to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was
represented through the whole district as a monster of barbarity.
Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great decency
and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidence
of her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her
life, but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with
a view of detaching her from that favourite liquor.

On this supposition, she resolved to act with more caution for
the future, without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair;
while the commodore, imputing her indisposition to some natural
cause, after the danger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the
subject; so that the perpetrators were quit of their fear, which,
however, had punished them so effectually, that they never would
hazard any more jokes of the same nature.

The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander
himself, whom they teased and terrified almost out of his senses.
One day, while he was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there
was a person below that wanted to speak with him immediately, about
an affair of the greatest importance, that would admit of no delay;
upon which he ordered the stranger to be told that he was engaged,
and that he must send up his name and business. To this demand he
received for answer a message importing that the person's name was
unknown to him, and his business of such a nature, that it could
not be disclosed to any one but the commodore himself, whom he
earnestly desired to see without loss of time.

Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance,
in the middle of his meal, and descending to a parlour where the
stranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him
in such a d--d hurry, that he could not wait till he had made an
end of his mess? The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough
address, advanced close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look
of confidence and conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the
commodore's head, whispered softly in his car, "Sir, I am the attorney
whom you wanted to converse with in private."--"The attorney?"
cried Trunnion, staring, and half-choked with choler. "Yes, sir,
at your service," replied this retainer of the law; "and, if you
please, the sooner we despatch the affair the better; for 'tis an
old observation, that delay breeds danger."--"Truly, brother," said
the commodore, who could no longer contain himself, "I do confess
that I am very much of your way of thinking, d'ye see, and therefore
you shall be despatched in a trice." So saying, he lifted up his
walking-staff, which was something between a crutch and a cudgel,
and discharged it with such energy on the seat of the attorney's
understanding, that if there had been anything but solid bone, the
contents of his skull must have been evacuated.

Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could
not withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him
flat on the floor, deprived of all sense and motion; and Trunnion
hopped upstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejaculations all
the way for the vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging
miscreant.

The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which he had
been so unexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes around in quest
of evidence, by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove
the injury he had sustained, but not a soul appearing, he made shift
to get upon his legs again, and, with the blood trickling over his
nose, followed one of the servants into the dining-room, resolved
to come to an explanation with the assailant, and either extort
money from him by way of satisfaction, or provoke him to a second
application before witnesses. With this view, he entered the room
in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of all present, and the
terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked at the appearance of such a
spectacle; and addressing himself to the commodore, "I'll tell you
what, sir," said he; "if there be law in England, I'll make you
smart for this here assault." You think you have screened yourself
from a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way;
but that circumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of
the malice prepense with which the fact was committed; especially
when corroborated by the evidence of this here letter, under your
own hand, whereby I am desired to come to your own house to transact
an affair of consequence. So he produced the writing, and read the
contents in these words:--

"Mr. Roger Ravine.
Sir,--Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire
you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the
afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an affair
of great consequence, in which your particular advice is
wanted by your humble servant,
"Hawser Trunnion."


The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement
he had already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this
audacious piece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of
his own villainy, started up from table, and seizing a huge turkey
that lay in a dish before him, would have applied it, sauce and
all, by way of poultice, to his wound, had he not been restrained
by Hatchway, who laid fast hold on both his arms, and fixed him to
his chair again, advising the attorney to sheer off with what he
had got. Far from following this salutary counsel, he redoubled
his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling him he not a man of
true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war, or else he
would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly and clandestine
manner. This provocation would have answered his purpose effectually,
had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by the suggestions
of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to be easy,
for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a blanket
for his presumption. This proposal, which he received with great
approbation, pacified him in a moment: he wiped the sweat from his
forehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile.

Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great fluency
of abuse, until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who,
without any expostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted
him to the yard, where he was put into a carpet, and in a twinkling
sent into the air by the strength and dexterity of five stout
operators, whom the lieutenant had selected from the number of
domestics for that singular spell of duty.

In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God, that
they would take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary
gambols: they were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even
when he swore, in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease
tormenting him, he would forget and forgive what was past, and
depart in peace to his own habitation; and continued the game till
they were fatigued with the exercise.

Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an
action of assault and battery against the commodore, and subpoenaed
all the servants as evidences in the cause; but as none of them had
seen what happened, he did not find his account in the prosecution,
though he himself examined all the witnesses, and, among their
questions, asked, whether they had not seen him come in like another
man? and whether they had ever seen any other man in such condition
as that in which he had crawled off. But this last interrogation
they were not obliged to answer, because it had reference to the
second discipline he bad undergone, in which they, and they only,
were concerned; and no person is bound to give testimony against
himself.

In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction of all
who knew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that
he had received, in course of post, the letter which was declared
in court a scandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment
with which he vas threatened by the commodore, who little dreamt
that the whole affair had been planned and executed by Peregrine
and his associates.

The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme
to frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and
exhibited in this manner: to the hide of a large ox, Pipes fitted
a leathern vizor of a most terrible appearance, stretched on the
jaws of a shark, which he had brought from sea, and accommodated
with a couple of broad glasses instead of eyes. On the inside of
these he placed two rushlights, and, with a composition of sulphur
and saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee, which he fixed between
two rows of the teeth. This equipage being finished, he, one dark
night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and, following the commodore
into a long passage, in which he was preceded by Perry with a light
in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, and began to bellow
like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looked behind him,
screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguished in
the fall; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation,
exclaimed, "Zounds! what's the matter?" and turning about to see
the cause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue
flame, which aggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly
seized with an agony of fear, which divested him of his reason:
nevertheless, he, as it were mechanically, raised his trusty
supporter in his own defence, and, the apparition advancing towards
him, aimed it at this dreadful annoyance with such a convulsive
exertion of strength, that had not the blow chanced to light upon
one of the horns Mr. Pipes would have had no cause to value himself
upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he did not fail to stagger
at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation, closed with
the commodore, and having tripped up his heels, retreated with
great expedition.

It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a
little, ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and
called up the servants to the assistance of their master, whom
they found in a cold sweat upon the floor, his features betokening
horror and confusion. Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted
him with a cup of Nantz, began to inquire into the cause of his
disorder: but he could not extract one word of answer from his
friend, who, after a considerable pause, during which he seemed
to be wrapt in profound contemplation, pronounced aloud, "By the
Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; but I'll be d-- if it was
not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucer eyes, his three
rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the blue smoke that came out
of his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's baby want with
me? I'm sure I never committed murder, except in the way of my
profession, nor wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to
sea." This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors,
is the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep,
and is often seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on
the eve of hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters, to which
a seafaring life is exposed; warning the devoted wretch of death
and woe. No wonder then that Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed
visit of this demon, which, in his opinion, foreboded some dreadful
calamity.





CHAPTER XIV.




He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the
Exciseman, who does not find his Account in his own Drollery.


Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which
prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict
and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates
entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied
with the pranks they had already played, they still persecuted the
commodore without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the
particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed
an adventure of deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking
impetuosity of his youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far
from succeeding in that achievement, he and his associates had,
it seems, been made prisoners, after an obstinate engagement with
the keepers, and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace,
who used Trunnion with great indignity, and with his companions
committed him to jail.

His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly
depended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour and
inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in
his behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go
to sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of
being proceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either
to undergo this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned
and deserted by everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious
trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for life. He
therefore, without much hesitation, embraced the proposal of his
kinsman, and, as he observed, was, in less than a month after his
discharge, turned adrift to the mercy of the wind and waves.

Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence
with his relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off;
nor would he ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and
supplications of some among them, who had prostrated themselves
before him, on the advancement of his fortune: but he retained
a most inveterate resentment against his uncle, who was still in
being, though extremely old and infirm, and frequently mentioned
his name with all the bitterness of revenge.

Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this
story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway
that a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore,
with a supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested
kinsman; an imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford
abundance of diversion.

The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed
an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow
of great impudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide,
undertook to transcribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also
personate the man in whose favour it was feigned to be written.
He, accordingly, one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison,
two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes,
who admitted him, to understand, that he had a letter from his
master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore
himself. This message was no sooner communicated, than the
indignant chief (who had been waked for the purpose) began to curse
the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore he would not budge
till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed
to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him, he
had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore
would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had
been raised from the grave to receive them.

This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful
enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations
of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He
therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance;
and wrapping himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs,
rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As
soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger
made divers awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect accosted him
in these words: "Your most humble servant, most noble commodore!
I hope you are in good health; you look pure and hearty; and if it
was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would not desire to
see a more pleasant countenance in a summer's day. Sure as I am a
living soul, one would take you to be on this side of threescore.
Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion, if I had
met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is."

The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such
an impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying,
with a peevish accent, "Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion
to bowse out so much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your
discourse to bear on the right subject, you had much better clap
a stopper on your tongue, and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was
told you had something to deliver."--"Deliver!" cried the waggish
impostor, "odds heart! I have got something for you that will make
your very entrails rejoice within your body. Here's a letter from
a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take, read it, and be happy.
Blessings on his old heart! one would think he had renewed his
age, like the eagle's." Trunnion's expectation being thus raised,
he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took
the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner
perceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered,
and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise;
eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never
before troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to
recollect himself, and perused the contents, which were these;--

"Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to
hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a
kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and
how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always
a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company,
whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been
for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is
not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy
Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the
cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as
to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for
some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will
recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give
him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not,
nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more
but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew,
your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
"Tobiah Trunnion."


It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself
to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance
while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a
convulsion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association
of all three, that took possession of his features. At length, he
hawked up, with incredible straining, the interjection, "Ah!" that
seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent
to his indignation: "Have I come alongside of you at last, you old
stinking curmudgeon? You lie, you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all
in your power to founder me when I was a stripling; and as for being
graceless and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a d--d lie
again, you thief! there was not a more peaceable lad in the county,
and I kept no bad company but your own, d'ye see. Therefore, you
Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent you
hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse; that I tear
his letter into rags, so; and that I trample upon it as I would
upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see." So saying, he danced
in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he had
scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the
triumvirate, who beheld the scene.

The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left
open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion
and surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification,
"Lord be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own
relations, and the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all
gratitude and virtue has left this sinful world! What will cousin
Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters
cousin Sue, and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks,
say, when they hear of this unconscionable reception that I have
met with? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the sin
of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely observes; and do not send me
away with such unchristian usage, which will lay a heavy load of
guilt upon your poor miserable soul."--"What, you are on a cruise
for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?" said Trunnion, interrupting
him, "we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes,
take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to the whipping-post
in the yard. I'll teach you to rouse me in the morning with such
impertinent messages."

Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt
of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his
commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant
gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand;
so that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance,
which was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake,
in a very disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful
look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest
of a cat-o'-nine-tails, in expectation of being relieved by the
interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear.
Tom, returning with the instrument of correction, undressed the
delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his ear, that he was very
sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his
soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge
about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a smarting
application to the offender's back and shoulders, that the distracted
gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed
hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators.
At length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of
his neck, Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto,
appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon
Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor
to be released.

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