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The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle




This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments, that our
adventurer seized the first opportunity to demand a hearing, and
plainly told his patron, that, if he could not be indulged with
that favour, he should look upon his lordship's influence to be
very small, and his own hopes to be altogether desperate; in which
case he was resolved to dispose of the mortgage, purchase an annuity,
and live independent.





CHAPTER XCII.




He is indulged with a second Audience by the Minister, of whose
Sincerity he is convinced--His Pride and Ambition revive, and again
are mortified.


If the young gentleman's money had been in other hands, perhaps
the peer would have been at very little pains, either in gratifying
his demand, or opposing his revenge; but he knew that the sale of
the mortgage could not be effected without an inquiry, to which he
did not wish to be exposed. He, therefore, employed all his interest
in procuring the solicited audience. This being granted, Peregrine,
with great warmth and elocution, expatiated upon the injury his
fortune had suffered in the affair of the borough, for which he
had stood candidate; he took notice of the disappointment he had
sustained in the other election, reminded him of the promises with
which he had been amused, and, in conclusion, desired to know what
he had to expect from his favour. The minister having patiently
heard him to an end, replied with a most gracious aspect, that he
was very well informed of his merit and attachment, and very much
disposed to convince him of the regard which he paid to both;
that till of late he did not know the nature of his expectations,
neither had he the power of creating posts for those whom he was
inclined to serve; but if Mr. Pickle would chalk out any feasible
method by which he could manifest his sentiments of friendship, he
should not be backward in executing the plan.

Peregrine, laying hold on this declaration, mentioned several
places which he knew to be vacant. But the old evasion was still
used; one of them was not in his department of business, another had
been promised to the third son of a certain earl before the death
of the last possessor, and a third was encumbered with a pension that
ate up a good half of the appointments. In short, such obstructions
were started to all his proposals as he could not possibly surmount,
though he plainly perceived they were no other than specious pretexts
to cover the mortifying side of a refusal. Exasperated, therefore,
at this lack of sincerity and gratitude, "I can easily foresee,"
said he, "that such difficulties will never be wanting, when I have
anything to ask; and for that reason will save myself the trouble of
any further application." So saying, he withdrew in a very abrupt
manner, breathing defiance and revenge. But his patron, who did not
think proper to drive him to extremities, found means to persuade
his honour to do something for the pacification of the young man's
choler; and that same evening our adventurer received a message
from his lordship, desiring to see him immediately.

In consequence of this intimation, Pickle went to his house, and
appeared before him with a very cloudy aspect, which signified
to whom it might concern, that his temper was at present too much
galled to endure reproof; and therefore the sagacious peer forbore
taking him to task for his behaviour during the audience he
had obtained; but gave him to understand, that the minister, in
consideration of his services, had sent him a bank-note of three
hundred pounds, with a promise of the like sum yearly, until he
could be otherwise provided for. This declaration in some measure
appeased the youth, who condescended to accept the present; and,
next levee day, made his acknowledgment to the donor, who favoured
him with a smile of infinite complacency, which entirely dissipated
all the remains of his resentment; for, as he could not possibly
divine the true cause of his being temporized with, he looked upon
this condescension as an undoubted proof of Sir Steady's sincerity,
and firmly believed that he would settle him in some place with the
first opportunity, rather than continue to pay this pension out of
his own pocket. In all probability, his prediction would have been
verified, had not an unforeseen accident in a moment overwhelmed
the barque of his interest at court.

Meanwhile, this short gleam of good fortune recalled the ideas of
pride and ambition which he had formerly cherished. His countenance
was again lifted up, his good-humour retrieved, and his mien
reexalted. Indeed, he began to be considered as a rising man by his
fellow-dependents, who saw the particular notice with which he was
favoured at the public levee; and some of them, for that reason,
were at pains to court his good graces. He no longer shunned his
former intimates, with whom a good part of his fortune had been
spent, but made up to them in all places of public resort, with
the same ease and familiarity as he had been used to express, and
even re-embarked in some of their excesses, upon the strength of his
sanguine expectation. Cadwallader and he renewed their consultations
in the court of ridicule; and divers exploits were achieved,
to the confusion of those who had "sailed into the north of their
displeasure."

But these enjoyments were soon interrupted by a misfortune equally
fatal and unexpected. His noble patron was seized with an apoplectic
fit, from which he was recovered by the physicians, that they might
despatch him according to rule, and in two months after they were
called, he went the way of all flesh. Peregrine was very much
afflicted at this event, not only on account of his friendship
for the deceased, to whom he thought himself under many and great
obligations, but also because he feared that his own interest
would suffer a severe shock, by the removal of this nobleman, whom
he considered as its chief support. He put himself therefore in
mourning, out of regard to the memory of his departed friend, and
exhibited genuine marks of sorrow and concern, though he had in
reality more cause to grieve than he as yet imagined. When quarter-day
came about, he applied to the steward of his lordship's heir for
the interest of his money, as usual; and the reader will readily
own he had some reason to be surprised, when he was told he had
no claim either to principal or interest. True it is, the manager
talked very civilly as well as sensibly on the subject. "Your
appearance, sir," said he to Pickle, "screens you from all suspicion
of an intended fraud; but the mortgage upon those lands you mention
was granted to another person many years before you pretend to have
lent that sum; and I have, this very morning, paid one quarter's
interest, as appears from this receipt, which you may peruse for
your satisfaction."

Peregrine was so thunderstruck at this information, which stripped
him of his all, that he could not utter one word; a circumstance
that did no great honour to his character in the opinion of the
steward, who, in good earnest, began to entertain some doubts of
his integrity. For, among the papers of the deceased, which he had
examined, there was no writing, memorandum, or receipt relating
to this encumbrance. After a long pause of stupefaction, Peregrine
recollected himself so far as to observe, that either he was
egregiously mistaken, or the predecessor of his lord the greatest
villain upon earth. "But, Mr. Whatd'ycallum," said he, "you must
give me leave to tell you, that your bare assertion in this affair
will by no means induce me to put up quietly with the loss of ten
thousand pounds."

Having thus expressed himself, he retired from the house so
discontented at this demur, that he scarce knew whether he moved
upon his head or heels; and the park chancing to be in his way,
he sauntered about, giving vent to a soliloquy in praise of his
departed friend, the burden of which was a string of incoherent
curses imprecated upon himself; till his transports by degrees giving
way to his reflection, he deliberated seriously and sorrowfully
upon his misfortune, and resolved to consult lawyers without loss
of time. But, first of all, he proposed to make personal application
to the heir, who, by a candid representation of the case, might be
inclined to do him justice. In consequence of this determination,
he next morning put his writings in his pocket, and went in a
chair to the house of the young nobleman, to whom, being admitted
by virtue of his appearance, and a small gratification to the porter,
he explained the whole affair, corroborating his assertions with
the papers which he produced, and describing the disgrace that would
be entailed upon the memory of the deceased, should he be obliged
to seek redress in a public court of justice.

The executor, who was a person of good breeding, condoled him
upon his loss with great good-nature, though he did not seem much
surprised at his account of the matter; but wished, that, since
the fraud must have been committed, the damage had fallen upon the
first mortgager, who, he said, was a thievish usurer, grown rich
by the distresses of his fellow-creatures. In answer to our hero's
remonstrances, he observed, that he did not look upon himself as
obliged to pay the least regard to the character of his predecessor,
who had used him with great barbarity and injustice, not only
in excluding him from his countenance and assistance, but also in
prejudicing his inheritance as much as lay in his power; so that
it could not be reasonably expected that he would pay ten thousand
pounds of his debt, for which he had received no value. Peregrine,
in spite of his chagrin, could not help owning within himself,
that there was a good deal of reason in this refusal. After having
given loose to his indignation in the most violent invectives
against the defunct, he took his leave of the complaisant heir,
and had immediate recourse to the advice of counsel, who assured
him that he had an excellent plea, and was accordingly retained in
the cause.

All these measures were taken in the first vigour of his exertion,
during which his spirits were so fluttered with the diversity of
passions produced by his mischance, that he mistook for equanimity
that which was no other than intoxication; and two whole days
elapsed before he attained a due sense of his misfortune. Then,
indeed, he underwent a woeful self-examination; every circumstance
of the inquiry added fresh pangs to his reflection; and the result
of the whole was a discovery, that his fortune was totally consumed,
and himself reduced to a state of the most deplorable dependence.
This suggestion alone might, in the anguish of his despondency,
have driven him to some desperate course, had it not been in some
measure qualified by the confidence of his lawyers, and the assurance
of the minister, which, slender as the world hath generally found
them, were the only bulwarks between misery and him.

The mind is naturally pliable, and, provided it has the least
hope to lean upon, adapts itself wonderfully to the emergencies
of fortune, especially when the imagination is gay and luxuriant.
This was the case with our adventurer; instead of indulging the
melancholy ideas which his loss inspired, he had recourse to the
flattering delusions of hope, soothing himself with unsubstantial
plans of future greatness, and endeavouring to cover what was past
with the veil of oblivion. After some hesitation, he resolved to
make Crabtree acquainted with his misfortune, that once for all
he might pass the ordeal of his satire, without subjecting himself
to a long series of sarcastic hints and doubtful allusions, which
he could not endure. He accordingly took the first opportunity of
telling him that he was absolutely ruined by the perfidy of his
patron, and desired that he would not aggravate his affliction by
those cynical remarks which were peculiar to men of his misanthropical
disposition. Cadwallader listened to this declaration with internal
surprise, which, however, produced no alteration in his countenance;
and, after some pause, observed, that our hero had no reason to look
for any new observation from him upon this event, which he had long
foreseen, and daily expected, and exhorted him, with an ironical
sneer, to console himself with the promise of the minister, who
would doubtless discharge the debts of his deceased bosom friend.





CHAPTER XCIII.




Peregrine commits himself to the Public, and is admitted Member of
a College of Authors.


The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our young gentleman
began to revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficiencies
of his yearly income, which was now so grievously reduced; and
determined to profit, in some shape or other, by those talents
which he owed to nature and education. He had, in his affluence,
heard of several authors, who, without any pretensions to genius or
human literature, earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking
work for booksellers, in which reputation was not at all concerned.
One, for example, professed all manner of translation, at so much
per sheet, and actually kept five or six amanuenses continually
employed, like so many clerks in a counting-house, by which means
he was enabled to live at his ease, and enjoy his friend and his
bottle, ambitious of no other character than that of an honest man
and a good neighbour. Another projected a variety of plans for new
dictionaries, which were executed under his eye by day-labourers;
and the province of a third was history and voyages, collected or
abridged by understrappers of the same class.

Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to his own
capacity, as banished all doubts of his being able to excel any
of those undertakers in their different branches of profession,
if ever he should be driven to that experiment; but his ambition
prompted him to make his interest and glory coincide, by attempting
some performance which should do him honour with the public, and
at the same time establish his importance among the copy-purchasers
in town. With this view, he worshipped the muse; and, conscious
of the little regard which is in this age paid to every species of
poetic composition, in which neither satire nor obscenity occurs,
he produced an imitation of Juvenal, and lashed some conspicuous
characters, with equal truth, spirit, and severity. Though his name
did not appear in the title-page of this production, he managed
matters so that the work was universally imputed to the true author,
who was not altogether disappointed in his expectations of success;
for the impression was immediately sold off, and the piece became
the subject of conversation in all assemblies of taste.

This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers,
who made interest for his acquaintance, but also roused the notice
of a society of authors, who styled themselves "The College," from
which he was honoured with a deputation, offering to enroll him a
member by unanimous consent. The person employed for this purpose
being a bard who had formerly tasted of our hero's bounty, used
all his eloquence to persuade him to comply with the advances of
their fraternity, which he described in such a manner as inflamed
the curiosity of Pickle, who dismissed the ambassador, with an
acknowledgment of the great honour they conferred upon him, and a
faithful promise of endeavouring to merit the continuance of their
approbation.

He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in the ceremonies
of the college; and, in consequence of his information, composed
an ode, to be publicly recited on the evening of his introduction.
He understood that this constitution was no other than a body of
authors, incorporated by mutual consent, for their joint advantage
and satisfaction, opposed to another assembly of the same kind,
their avowed enemies and detractors. No wonder, then, that they
sought to strengthen themselves with such a valuable acquisition
as our hero was likely to prove. The college consisted of authors
only, and these of all degrees in point of reputation, from the
fabricator of a song, set to music, and sung at Marylebone, to
the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon the stage: nay,
one of the members had actually finished eight books of an epic
poem, for the publication of which he was at that time soliciting
subscriptions.

It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollo
would sit a whole evening with order and decorum, unless they were
under the check of some established authority; and this inconvenience
having been foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with
full power to silence any member or members that should attempt to
disturb the harmony and subordination of the whole. The sage, who
at this time possessed the chair, was a person in years, whose
countenance was a lively portraiture of that rancorous discontent
which follows repeated damnation. He had been extremely unfortunate
in his theatrical productions, and was, to use the words of a
profane wag, who assisted at the condemnation of his last play, by
this time d--d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he still tarried
about the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics,
and writing miscellanies, and by dint of an invincible assurance,
supercilious insolence, the most undaunted virulence of tongue,
and some knowledge of life, he made shift to acquire and maintain
the character of a man of learning and wit, in the opinion of people
who had neither; that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom
he associated himself. He was even looked upon in this light by some
few of the college; though the major part of those who favoured his
election, were such as dreaded his malice, respected his experience
and seniority, or hated his competitor, who was the epic poet.

The chief end of this society, as I have already hinted, was
to assist and support each other in their productions, which they
mutually recommended to sale, with all their art and influence,
not only in private conversation, but also in occasional epigrams,
criticisms, and advertisements, inserted in the public papers. This
science, which is known by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they
carried to such a pitch of finesse, that an author very often wrote
an abusive answer to his own performance, in order to inflame the
curiosity of the town, by which it had been overlooked. Notwithstanding
this general unanimity in the college, a private animosity had
long subsisted between the two rivals I have mentioned, on account
of precedence, to which both laid claim, though, by a majority of
votes, it had been decided in favour of the present chairman. The
grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree of outrage or defiance,
but manifested itself at every meeting, in attempts to eclipse
each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so that there
was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in the
front of the evening, for the entertainment and example of the junior
members, who never failed to divide upon this occasion, declaring
themselves for one or other of the combatants, whom they encouraged
by their looks, gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances
of the dispute.

This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an ale-house,
which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable to the purse or
inclination of every individual, who separately paid for his own
choice; and here was our hero introduced in the midst of twenty
strangers, who, by their looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque
variety. He was received with a most gracious solemnity, and placed
upon the right hand of the president, who, having commanded silence,
recited aloud his introductory ode, which met with universal
approbation. Then was tendered to him the customary oath, obliging
him to consult the honour and advantage of the society as far as
it should he in his power, in every station of life; and this being
taken, his temples were bound with a wreath of laurel, which was
kept sacred for such inauguration.

When these rites were performed with all due ceremony, the new
member cast his eyes around the place, and took a more accurate
survey of his brethren; among whom he observed a strange collection
of periwigs, with regard to the colour, fashions, and dimensions,
which were such as he had never seen before. Those who sat on each
side, nearest the president, were generally distinguished by venerable
ties, the foretops of which exhibited a surprising diversity; some
of them rose slanting backwards, like the glacis of a fortification;
some were elevated in two distinct eminences, like the hills Helicon
and Parnassus; and others were curled and reflected, as the horns
of Jupiter Ammon. Next to these, the majors took place, many of
which were mere succedanea, made by the application of an occasional
rose to the tail of a lank bob; and in the lower form appeared
masses of hair, which would admit of no description.

Their clothes were tolerably well suited to the furniture of their
heads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean, while
that of the second class was threadbare and soiled; and at the
lower end of the room, he perceived divers efforts made to conceal
their rent breeches and dirty linen; nay, he could distinguish
by their countenances the different kinds of poetry in which they
exercised the muse. He saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity
of regard; Satire louring in a frown of envy and discontent; Elegy
whining in a funeral aspect; Pastoral dozing in a most insipid
languor of face; Ode-writing delineated in a distracted stare; and
Epigram squinting with a pert sneer. Perhaps our hero refined too
much in his penetration, when he affirmed, that, over and above
these discoveries, he could plainly perceive the state of every
one's finances, and would have undertaken to have guessed each
particular sum without varying three farthings from the truth.
The conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fall into
parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention of
a private committee, when the chairman interposed, calling aloud,
"No cabals, no conspiracies, gentlemen." His rival, thinking it
incumbent upon him to make some reply to this rebuke, answered, "We
have no secrets; he that hath ears, let him hear." This was spoke
as an intimation to the company, whose looks were instantly whetted
with the expectation of their ordinary meal; but the president
seemed to decline the contest; for, without putting on his fighting
face, he calmly replied, that he had seen Mr. Metaphor tip the
wink, and whisper to one of his confederates, and thence judged,
that there was something mysterious on the carpet.

The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen, resolved
to take the advantage of his dejection, that he might enhance his
own character in the opinion of the stranger; and, with that view,
asked, with an air of exultation, if a man might not be allowed
to have a convulsion in his eye, without being suspected of a
conspiracy? The president, perceiving his drift, and piqued at his
presumption, "To be sure," said he, "a man of a weak head may be
very well supposed to have convulsions in his eyes." This repartee
produced a laugh of triumph among the chairman's adherents; one
of whom observed, that his rival had got a smart rap on the pate.
"Yes," replied the bard, "in that respect Mr. Chairman has the
advantage of me. Had my head been fortified with a horn-work, I
should not have been so sensible of the stroke." This retort, which
carried a severe allusion to the president's wife, lighted up the
countenances of the aggressor's friends, which had begun to be a
little obumbrated; and had a contrary effect upon the other faction,
till their chief, collecting all his capacity, returned the salute,
by observing, that there was no occasion for a horn-work, when the
covered way was not worth defending.

Such a reprisal upon Mr. Metaphor's yoke-fellow, who was by no
means remarkable for her beauty, could not fail to operate upon the
hearers; and as for the bard himself, he was evidently ruffled by
the reflection; to which, however, he, without hesitation, replied,
"Egad! 'tis my opinion, that, if your covered way was laid open,
few people would venture to give the assault."--"Not unless their
batteries were more effectual than the fire of your wit," said the
president. "As for that matter," cried the other with precipitation,
"they would have no occasion to batter in breach; they would find
the angle of the la pucelle bastion demolished to their hands--he,
he!"--"But I believe it would surpass your understanding," resumed
the chairman, "to fill up the fosse."--"That, I own, is impracticable,"
replied the bard, "there I should meet with a hiatus maxime
deflendus!"

The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in presence of the
new member, exclaimed, with indignation in his looks, "And yet,
if a body of pioneers were set at work upon your skull, they would
find rubbish enough to choke up all the common sewers in town." Here
a groan was uttered by the admirers of the epic poet, who, taking
a pinch of snuff with great composure, "When a man grows scurrilous,"
said he, "I take it for an undoubted proof of his overthrow."--"If that
be the case," cried the other, "you yourself must be the vanquished
party, for you were the first that was driven to personal abuse."--"I
appeal," answered the bard, "to those who can distinguish. Gentlemen,
your judgment."

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