Alexandre Dumas, Pere - "Ten Years Later"

George Gissing - "The Emancipated"

Percy Bysshe Shelley - "The Complete Poetical Works of Percy Bysshe Shelley Volume III"

Austin Potter - "From Wealth to Poverty"

The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle








CHAPTER VII.




Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to
overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and
tortured into the Noose of Wedlock.


This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle
so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after
having confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her
brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired
that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last will.
Mr. Pickle, surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a
comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous, and
that he would instantly send for a physician, who would convince
her that she was in no manner of jeopardy; so that there was
no occasion at present to employ any officious attorney in such a
melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion
that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself
was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and personal estate.
But she insisted on his compliance with such determined obstinacy,
that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, a arriving,
she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed
to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning
ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship
and affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this
testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an
account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr.
Pickle assured him, generously remembered by the testatrix.

The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched
for an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's
features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they
had retained so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister
lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand
pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion;
and Mr. Hatchway, imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take
advantage of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and
visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him. But his
admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable. Trunnion no sooner
heard him mention the cause of her disorder, than his morosity
recurring, he burst out into a violent fit of cursing, and forthwith
betook himself again to his hammock, where he lay, uttering, in a
low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations,
for the space of four-and-twenty hours, without ceasing. This
was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to enhance the
pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduce to the
success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the
execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed
on Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the
chimney, belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and
lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being
performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed
down the vent, in a voice like thunder, "Trunnion! Trunnion! turn
out and be spliced, or he still and be d--."

This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence
and darkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage
through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the
astonished commodore, than turning his eyes towards the place from
whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering
object that vanished in an instant. Just as his superstitious
fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger
clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden
explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than
the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswain's
mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he had
time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected
by his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from
the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.

At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation.
He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid
to this alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat
bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled
up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the
convulsive vibrations of his jaws.

In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, bursting
open the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which
happened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant in
a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an
ejaculation of "Lord have mercy upon us!" and being questioned by
the terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured
him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion
himself had been discomposed.

Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence
to the same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had
heard the voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all
the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested.

A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravely
observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in those
signals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard
its commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects,
more advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably
expect; declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his
soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a
man who despised the will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the
same pious resolution.

Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity
of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all
the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after
having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his
own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving
a piteous groan, yielded to their remonstrances in these words:
"Well, since it must be so, I think we must ev'n grapple. But d--
my eyes! 'tis a d--d hard case that a fellow of my years should
be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of my
life against the current of my own inclination."

This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in
the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely
rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her
ears. Sick as she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the
contrivance, in consequence of which her swain's assent had been
obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in
consideration of the part he acted in the farce.

In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to
her apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her
in a languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by
her sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely
solicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored
him touching his behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand
wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of "How
d'ye?" to his mistress; and after his counsellor had urged him with
twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had replied aloud,
"D-- your eyes, I won't," he got up, and halting towards the couch
on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation,
he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips; but this piece
of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant
manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the
compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so disconcerted
at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of
the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and vexation.

Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence
of going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint,
recollected that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither
he descended, leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments.
Never had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma
before. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every moment
dreaded the dissolution of nature; and the imploring sighs of his
future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress.
Impatient of this situation, he rolled his eye around in quest
of some relief, and, unable to contain himself, exclaimed, "D--n
seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has sheered off,
and left me here in the stays."

Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation
of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to
him, that he could not put up with her company for a few moments
without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him
with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he
replied, "Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his
office when he wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial
block, d'ye see, and d-- all nonsensical palaver." So saying, he
retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plain
dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon
the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant, settled
to the satisfaction of all parties, without the intervention of
lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in
the business; making that condition the indispensable preliminary
of the whole agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs.
Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health, which, by the bye,
was never dangerously impaired. she recovered as if by enchantment;
and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the short period
of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration of her
entrance into the married state.





CHAPTER VIII.




Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed
by an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither.


The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the
county; and, on the day appointed for their spousals, the church
was surrounded by an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give
a specimen of his gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway,
resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of
all his male attendants, whom he had rigged with the white shirts
and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew; and he
bought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his
lieutenant. With this equipage, then, he set out from the garrison
for the church, after having despatched a messenger to apprise the
bride that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately
into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and drove
directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were
demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the
eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed.
Thus arrived at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited
a whole half-hour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began
to be under some apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant
to quicken his pace. The valet having ridden something more than
a mile, espied the whole troop disposed in a long field, crossing
the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom and his friend
Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding
farther in the same direction, fired a pistol, and stood over to
the other side, making an obtuse angle with the line of his former
course; and the rest of the squadron followed his example, keeping
always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wild geese.

Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came
up, and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected
him in the church, where they had tarried a considerable time,
and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay, and therefore
desired he would proceed with more expedition. To this message Mr.
Trunnion replied, "Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all
possible speed? go back, and tell those who sent you, that the
wind has shifted since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged
to make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the narrowness
of the channel; and that as we be within six points of the wind,
they must make some allowance for variation and leeway."--"Lord,
sir!" said the valet, "what occasion have you to go zig-zag in
that manner? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride straight
forward, and I'll engage yea shall be at the church-porch in
less than a quarter of an hour."-"What? right in the wind's eye?"
answered the commodore; "ahey! brother, where did you learn your
navigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day
how to lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you,
brother, you best know the trim of your own frigate."

The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be
easily persuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple,
and made a report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small
consolation of the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of
disquiet. Composed, however, by this piece of intelligence, she
exerted her patience for the space of another half-hour, during which
period, seeing no bridegroom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed;
so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation,
which manifested itself in frequent palpitations, heart-heavings,
and alterations of countenance, in spite of the assistance of a
smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils.

Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion: some
imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never
been at church since he first settled in that parish; others
believed he had met with some accident, in consequence of which
his attendants had carried him back to his own house; and a third
set, in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended,
could not help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind.
But all these suppositions, ingenious as they were, happened to be
wide of the true cause that detained him, which was no other than
this: the commodore and his crew had, by dint of turning, almost
weathered the parson's house that stood to windward of the church,
when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of
the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant bestrode. These
fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound, than, eager for
the chase, they sprang away all of a sudden, and strained every
nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fields with incredible
speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything in their way,
without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The lieutenant,
whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would be
great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle
with his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing
himself off in his passage through a field of rich clover, among
which he lay at his ease; and seeing his captain advancing, at
full gallop, hailed him with the salutation of "What cheer? Ho!"
The commodore, who was in infinite distress, eyeing him askance as
he passed, replied, with a faltering voice, "0, d-- ye!--you are
safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were as fast moored."

Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not venture
to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway but
resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until
Providence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped
his whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel,
contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat,
and grinning most formidably in consequence of this exertion. In
this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way, when all of
a sudden his view was comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared
before him, as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter
must necessarily end. But, alas! he reckoned without his host. Far
from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprang over it with
amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner,
who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and now began to think,
in good earnest, that he was actually mounted on the back of the
devil. He recommended himself to God; his reflections forsook
him; his eyesight and all his other senses failed; he quitted the
reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this condition
conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at
the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be
wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to
their view. The commodore's person was at all times an object of
admiration; much more so on this occasion, when every singularity
was aggravated by the circumstances of his dress and disaster.

He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of blue
broad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and trimmed with five
dozen of brass buttons large and small; his breeches were of the
same piece, fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape; his
waistcoat was of red plush lappelled with green velvet, and garnished
with vellum holes; his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in
colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets; his shoulder was
graced with a broad buff belt, from whence depended a huge hanger
with a hilt like that of a backsword; and on each side of his pommel
appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case covered with a bearskin.
The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat, which were curiosities
of the kind, did not at all contribute to the improvement of the
picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and
the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to the peculiarity
and extravagance of the whole.

Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company
from the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different
route; but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way
than that which the stag followed and therefore, without stopping
to gratify the curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes
outstripped every hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow
betwixt him and the hounds, rather than ride round, about the
length of a furlong, in a path that crossed the lane, he transported
himself at one jump, to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of
a waggoner who chanced to be underneath, and saw this phenomenon
fly over his carriage. This was not the only adventure he achieved.
The stag, having taken a deep river that lay in his way, every
man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood; but our
bridegroom's courser, despising all such conveniences, plunged
into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a twinkling to the
opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an element of which
Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped to
recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, at his landing on the
other side gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for
assistance, which he could not possibly receive, because his horse
still maintained the advantage he had gained, and would not allow
himself to be overtaken.

In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended
to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the
deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated
by the same spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's
example.

Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other
words, at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first
pause, to desire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting;
and by their condescension, safely placed on the grass, where he
sat staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness of
astonishment in his looks, as if he bad been a creature of another
species, dropped among them from the clouds.

Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself;
and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his
pocket and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other
than neat Cognac, which it really was; and expressing a desire of
participation, was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose,
which perfectly completed his recovery.

By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the
whole crowd: while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon
spirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprising
appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en
passant; and at length, one of the gentlemen, accosting him very
courteously, signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage,
and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way. "Why look
ye, brother," replied the commodore, "mayhap you think me an odd
sort of a fellow, seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost
part of my rigging; but this here is the case, d'ye see: I weighed
anchor from my own house this morning, at ten A.M. with fair
weather, and a favourable breeze at south-south-east, being bound
to the next church on the voyage of matrimony: but howsomever, we
had not run down a quarter of a league, when the wind shifting,
blowed directly in our teeth; so that we were forced to tack all
the way, d'ye see, and had almost been up within sight of the port,
when these sons-of-b--s of horses, which I had bought but two days
before (for my own part, I believe they are devils incarnate),
luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the helm, drove away
like lightning with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchor
in an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, I have been carried
over rocks, and quicksands; among which I have pitched away a special
good tie-periwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God!
am got into smooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my
carcass upon such a hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b-- again, my name
is not Hawser Trunnion, d-- my eyes!"

One of the company, struck with this name, which lie had often
heard, immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of
this singular account, and, observing that his horses were very
vicious, asked how he intended to return. "As for that matter,"
replied Mr. Trunnion, "I am resolved to hire a sledge or waggon,
or such a thing as a jackass; for I'll be d--d if ever I cross the
back of a horse again."--"And what do you propose to do with these
creatures?" said the other, pointing to the hunters; "they seem to
have some mettle; but then they are mere colts, and will take the
devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this hinder one is
shoulder-slipped."--"D-- them," cried the commodore, "I
wish both their necks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good
yellow-boys.".-"Forty guineas!" exclaimed the stranger, who was
a squire and a jockey, as well as owner of the pack, "Lord! Lord!
how a man may be imposed upon! Why, these cattle are clumsy enough
to go to plough; mind what a flat counter; do but observe how sharp
this here one is in the withers; then he's fired in the further
fetlock." In short, this connoisseur in horse-flesh, having
discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be found in
this species of animal, offered to give him ten guineas for the
two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden. The owner,
who, after what had happened, was very well disposed to listen to
anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believed the
truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley
of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith
struck a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his
purchase; in consequence of which he won the plate at the next
Canterbury races.

This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both
parties, as well as to the general entertainment of the company,
who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend,
Trunnion was set upon the squire's own horse, and led by his servant
in the midst of this cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring
village, where they had bespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom
found means to provide himself with another hat and wig. With
regard to his marriage, he bore his disappointment with the temper
of a philosopher; and the exercise he had undergone having quickened
his appetite, sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance,
making a very hearty meal, and moistening every morsel with a
draught of the ale, which he found very much to his satisfaction.





CHAPTER IX.




He is found by Lieutenant--Reconducted to his own House--Married
to Mrs. Grizzle, who meets with a small misfortune in the Night,
and asserts her Prerogative next Morning, in consequence of which
her Husband's Eye is endangered.

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