Rex Beach - "The Winds of Chance"

George Gissing - "Veranilda"

E. Phillips Oppenheim - "The Tempting of Tavernake"

Norman Douglas - "South Wind"

The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle




Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited
evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all
concerned, and the inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we
have already hinted, was more interested in the preservation of the
family name than in any other consideration whatever. She therefore
no sooner discovered appearances to justify and confirm her hopes,
than, postponing her own purpose, and laying aside that pique and
resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle,
when she superseded her authority; or perhaps, considering her in
no other light than that of the vehicle which contained, and was
destined to convey, her brother's heir to light, she determined to
exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, and cherishing her during
the term of her important charge. With this view she purchased
Culpepper's Midwifery, which with that sagacious performance
dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied with indefatigable
care; and diligently perused the Complete Housewife, together with
Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, and conserve
which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome, for
the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law, during her gestation.
She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruit, and all
sorts of vegetables; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked
a peach with her own hand, and was in the very act of putting it
between her teeth, Mrs. Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and
running up to her, fell on her knees in the garden, entreating her,
with tears in her eyes, to desist such a pernicious appetite. Her
request was no sooner complied with, than recollecting, that if her
sister's longing was balked, the child might be affected with some
disagreeable mark or deplorable disease, she begged as earnestly
that she would swallow the fruit, and in the mean time ran for
some cordial water of her own composing, which she forced on her
sister, as an antidote to the poison she had received.

This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome
to Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers plans for the recovery
of her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs. Grizzle in
such employment as would interrupt that close attendance, which
she found so teasing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long
for an opportunity of putting her resolution in practice. The very
next day a gentleman happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately
mentioned a pine-apple, part of which he had eaten a week before at
the house of a nobleman, who lived in another part of the country,
at the distance of a hundred miles at least.

The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced, than Mrs.
Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm,
because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and
desire; and after having observed that she herself could never eat
pine-apples, which were altogether unnatural productions, extorted
by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with
a faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking?
This young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at
once divined her meaning, and replied, with seeming unconcern, that
for her own part she should never repine if there was no pine-apple
in the universe, provided she could indulge herself with the fruits
of her own country.

This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who
would certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment
of Mrs. Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the
fruit in question. It had the desired effect, and re-established
the peace of the company, which was not a little endangered by the
gentleman's want of consideration. Next morning, however, after
breakfast, the pregnant lady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned,
as it were by accident, full in the face of her maiden sister, who
being infinitely disturbed by this convulsion, affirmed it was a
symptom of longing, and insisted upon knowing the object in desire;
when Mrs. Pickle affecting a smile told her she had eaten a most
delicious pine-apple in her sleep. This declaration was attended
with an immediate scream, uttered by Mrs. Grizzle, who instantly
perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation, clasped her in
her arms, and assured her, with a sort of hysterical laugh, that
she could not help screaming with joy, because she had it in her
power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a lady in the neighbourhood
having promised to send her, as a present, a couple of delicate
pine-apples, which she would on that very day go in quest of.

Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal, on pretence
of sparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and assured her, that if
she had any desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the
disappointment could produce no bad consequence. But this assurance
was conveyed in a manner, which she knew very well how to adopt,
that, instead of dissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set
out immediately, not on a visit to that lady, whose promise she
herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's tranquility,
but on a random Search through the whole country for this unlucky
fruit, which was like to produce so much vexation and prejudice to
her and her father's house.

During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a valet,
ride from place to place without success, unmindful of her health,
and careless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature
of her inquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and
distraction, that everybody with whom she conversed, looked upon her
as an unhappy person, whose intellects were not a little disordered.

Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length
decided to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious
stranger had been (for her) so unfortunately regaled, and actually
arrived, in a post-chaise, at the place of his habitation, when
she introduced her business as an affair on which the happiness of
a whole family depended. By virtue of a present to his lordship's
gardener, she procured the Hesperian fruit, with which she returned
in triumph.





CHAPTER VI.




Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's
Longings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directions
and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account,
and resumes the Plan which she had before rejected.


The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to
practise more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not
been deterred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally,
in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone;
which, while it lasted, as effectually conduced to her repose, as
any other stratagem she could invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health
was no sooner restored, than the other, being as much incommoded
as ever, was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some
other contrivance; and managed her artifices in such a manner, as
leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical
and capriccios in her appetites as she herself pretended to be;
for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate
and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense, and
even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be
strangely diseased.

One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with
infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo
the operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another
she undertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable
desire; which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit
his chin to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished
for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard.
When this proposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the
husband, his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths,
accompanied with such a stare, and delivered in such a tone
of voice, as terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence;
so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain to take the whole enterprise upon
herself, and next day went to the garrison accordingly, where,
having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while
his commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the joke's
sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and then accosted
him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning walk. He
was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he had
hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to
utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch;
when Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him,
with many pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request,
which was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous
manner that the whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and
the word damnation, which he repeated with surprising volubility,
without any sort of propriety or connection; and retreated into
his penetralia, leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture
she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart.

Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately
disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to
interest the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause.
With this view she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who,
being highly pleased with a circumstance so productive of mirth
and diversion, readily entered into her measures, and promised to
employ his whole influence for her satisfaction; and as for the
boatswain's mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of
a guinea, which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle
was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten
days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly pestered with
her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates, that he
swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a burden
to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like
a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is
led to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their
dogs. After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the
conquerors imagined; for the patient being set, and the performer
prepared with a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred:
she could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole
superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much
alarmed and disconcerted, had recourse to a magnifying-glass that
stood upon her toilet; and, after a most accurate examination,
discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which the instrument being
applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small
discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more severe
than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part with
another hair to save them all from damnation.

Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzle
repeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf
to all her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house,
she clasped his knees, and begged for the love of God that he would
have compassion upon a distressed family, and endure a little more
for the sake of the poor infant, who would otherwise be born with
a gray beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather
exasperated by this reflection; to which he replied with great
indignation, "D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--! I'll be hanged, long
enough before he has any beard at all:" so saying, he disengaged
himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and halted homewards
with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake
him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs. Grizzle was so
much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure compassion,
desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her own wish
was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once,
having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience.

But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the
achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employed
without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the
ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived
an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should
be the genuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity
for despatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she
could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs.
Grizzle undertook that province, and actually set sail in a cutter
for Boulogne, from whence she returned in eight-and-forty hours
with a tub full of those live animals, which being dressed according
to art, her sister did not taste them, on pretence that her fit of
longing was past: but then her inclinations took a different turn,
and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady
of quality in the neighbourhood, which was reported to be a great
curiosity: this was no other than a porcelain chamber-pot of admirable
workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner, who kept it for
her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil of inestimable
value.

Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her
sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture; because she
knew it was not to be purchased; and the lady's character, which
was none of the most amiable in point of humanity and condescension,
forbad all hopes of borrowing it for a season: she therefore
attempted to reason down this capricious appetite, as an extravagance
of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed; and Mrs.
Pickle, to all appearance was convinced and satisfied by her
arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could make use of no other
convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression.
Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be, Mrs. Grizzle
flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private audience,
disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored the
benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received
her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing.
Mr. Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he
was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed
at this last accident, and for the future kept her fancy within
bounds; insomuch, that without being subject to any more extraordinary
trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest
expectation in the birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few
months brought into the world.

I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite
on this important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's
mother and aunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at
the ceremony as godfather to the child, who was christened by the
name of Peregrine, in compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle.
While the mother confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining
her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant baby double
claim, and superintended, with surprising vigilance, the nurse and
midwife in all the particulars of their respective offices, which
were performed by her express direction. But no sooner was Mrs.
Pickle in a condition to reassume the management of her own affairs,
when she thought proper to alter certain regulations concerning the
child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders,
directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which
the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy,
should be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all
restraint, and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with
her own hands she plunged him headlong every morning into a tub
full of cold water. This operation seemed so barbarous to the
tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle, that she not only opposed it with
all her eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice
when it was made; and took horse immediately, and departed for the
habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she consulted in
these words: "Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous and cruel to
be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by sousing it
in water as cold as ice?"--"Yes," replied the doctor, "downright
murder, I affirm."--"I see you are a person of great learning and
sagacity," said the other; "and I must beg you will be so good
as to signify your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor
immediately complied with her request, and expressed himself upon
a slip of paper to this purpose:--

"These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly
believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever
letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even
though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in
effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness
my hand,
"Comfit Colocynth."


Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was
handsomely acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with
such authority, to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next
morning, when her nephew was about to undergo his diurnal baptism,
she produced the commission, whereby she conceived herself empowered
to overrule such inhuman proceedings, but she was disappointed in
her expectation, confident as it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended
to differ in opinion from Dr. Colocynth, "for whose character
and sentiments," said she, "I have such veneration, that I shall
carefully observe the caution implied in this very certificate, by
which, far from condemning my method of practice, he only asserts
that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of which, it is
to be hoped, I shall never dispute."

Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially
considered the clause by which she thought herself authorized,
perused the paper with more accuracy, and was confounded at her
own want of penetration. Yet, though she was confuted, she was by
no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable;
on the contrary, after having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets
on the physician, for his want of knowledge and candour, she protested
in the most earnest and solemn manner the pernicious practice of
dipping the child--a piece of cruelty which, with God's assistance,
she should never suffer to be inflicted on her own issue; and washing
her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue,
shut herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation.
She was deceived, however, in her prognostic. The boy, instead of
declining in point of health, seemed to acquire fresh vigour from
every plunge, as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and
foresight of his aunt, who in all probability could never forgive
him for this want of reverence and respect. This conjecture is
founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy,
during which she was known to torture him more than once, when she
had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any
danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little
time altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom
she abandoned to the conduct of his mother, whose province it
undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of her own child; while she
herself resumed her operations upon the commodore, whom she was
resoled at any rate to captivate and enslave. And it must be owned
that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human heart never shone so
conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment
of this important aim.

Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion,
she could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and
self-conceit that generally predominate even in the most savage
beast; and to this she constantly appealed. In his presence she
always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest dissimulation
of the world, and never failed of uttering particular invectives
against those arts of chicanery in which the lawyers are so
conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures;
observing that in a seafaring life, as far as she had opportunities
of judging or being informed, there was nothing but friendship,
sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or
selfish.

This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular
civilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the
commodore, and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were
built upon very slender foundations. His antipathy to old maids,
which he had conceived upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish
when he found they were not quite such infernal animals as they had
been presented; and it was not long before he was heard to observe,
at the club, that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of
b-- in her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the
medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who,
thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and attention; so that, in
less than three months after, he in the same place distinguished
her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade.

Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared
foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander,
with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her
stern; and he did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would
be the better for being taken in tow. "But howsomever," added this
arch adviser, "I'd have you take care of your upper-works; for if
once you are made fast to her poop, egad! She'll spank it away,
and make every beam in your body crack with straining."

Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the
effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and
suspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to
a cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such
as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder,
he, after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these
words:--"D-- you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the
stowage in your hold to be as sound as I am; and as for being taken
in tow, d'ye see, I'm not so disabled that I can lie my course,
and perform my voyage without assistance; and, egad! no man shall
ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging astern, in the wake of e'er a b--
in Christendom."

Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with
regard to the subject of his night's conversation with his friends,
soon received the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to
matrimony; and justly imputing the greatest part of his disgust to
the satirical insinuations of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this
obstruction to her success, and actually found means to interest
him in her scheme. She had indeed, on some occasions, a particular
knack at making converts, being probably not unacquainted with
that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest
personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much more effectual
than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even when supported
by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity
to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in his captain's
marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical
disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned,
he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against
the matrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in
the positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities
of excepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally
bestowed upon the rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like
Nan Castick, of Deptford," he would say; "not a nincompoop, like
Peg Simper, of Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of
Chatham; nor a shrew, like Nell Griffin, on the Point, Portsmouth"
(ladies to whom, at different times, they had both paid their
addresses); "but a tight, good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows
very well how to box her compass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed
alow, with a good cargo under her hatches." The commodore at first
imagined this commendation was ironical; but, hearing it repeated
again and again, was filled with astonishment at this surprising
change in the lieutenant's behaviour; and, after a long fit of
musing, concluded that Hatchway himself harboured a matrimonial
design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle.

Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and
one night toasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a
circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal
of her intelligence; and interpreting as the result of his own
tenderness for her, she congratulated herself on the victory she
had obtained; and thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve
she had hitherto industriously affected, resolved from that day
to sweeten her behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection
as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with
a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this determination, he was
invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated with such cloying
proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the company, but
even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarm accordingly,
could not help exclaiming, "Oho! I see how the land lies, and if
I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d." Having thus expressed
himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way
to the garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten
days, and had no communication with his friends and domestics but
by looks, which were most significantly picturesque.

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