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The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle




Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give
his evidence, after divers strange gesticulations, opened his mouth
like a gasping cod, and with a cadence like that of the east wind
singing through a cranny, pronounced, "Half a quarter of a league
right upon our lee-beam."

"Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab," cried the commodore, "nearer by
twelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood
of Hatchway's jaw--and so, brother, d'ye see," turning to Pickle,
"I lay alongside of the Flour de Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm,
plying out great guns and small arms, and heaving in stink-pots,
powder-bottles, and hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended,
double-headed, partridge and grape: then we loaded with iron crows,
marlin-spikes, and old nails; but finding the Frenchman took a
good deal of drubbing, and that he had shot away all our rigging,
and killed and wounded a great number of our men, d'ye see, I
resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, and so ordered our
grapplings to be got ready; but monsieur, perceiving what we were
about, filled his topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a log
upon the water, and our scuppers running with blood."

Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention
to the rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to
entertain them with more stories of the same nature; after which
he observed, by way of encomium on the government, that all he had
gained in the service was a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The
lieutenant, who could not find in his heart to lose any opportunity
of being witty at the expense of his commander, gave a loose to
his satirical talent once more, saying,--"I have heard as how you
came by your lame foot, by having your upper decks over-stowed with
liquor, whereby you became crank, and rolled, d'ye see, in such a
manner, that by a pitch of the ship your starboard heel was jammed
in one of the scuppers; and as for the matter of your eye, that
was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning was paid off:
there's poor Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours of the
rainbow for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; and
I don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he deserves."

As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes,
however unseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive
them with good humour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing;
and replied, "Ay, ay, Jack, everybody knows your tongue is no
slander; but, howsomever, I'll work you to an oil for this, you
dog." So saying, he lifted up one of his crutches, intending to lay
it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate; but Jack, with great agility,
tilted up his wooden leg, with which he warded off the blow, to
the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter astonishment of
the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed the same amazement,
at the same feet, at the same hour, every night, for three months
before. Trunnion then, directing his eye to the boatswain's mate,
"You, Pipes," said he, "do you go about and tell people that I
did not reward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these
rebellious rapscallions? D-- you, han't you been rated on the books
ever since?"

Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe with
great indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to
these interrogations; which being repeated and reinforced with many
oaths, that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out
his purse, saying, "Here, you b-- baby, here's something better
than a smart ticket;" and threw it at his silent deliverer, who
received and pocketed his bounty, without the least demonstration of
surprise or satisfaction; while the donor, turning to Mr. Pickle,
"You see, brother," said he, "I make good the old saying; we sailors
get money like horses, and spend it like asses: come, Pipes, let's
have the boatswain's whistle, and be jovial."

This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrument
that hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a chain of the same
metal, and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes,
produced a sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger, as it were
instinctively, stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing
from such a dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed,
Pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended
from the ceiling, and without once moving them from that object,
performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be
the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's horn: the
commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord, joined in the chorus,
repeating this elegant stanza:--

Bustle, bustle, brave boys!
Let us sing, let us toil,
And drink all the while,
Since labour's the price of our joys.


The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted
to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and the next word
taken up at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive
and harmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another;
Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence
immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by
the hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a
mess of pork and pease in the garrison. The compliment was returned,
good-fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced,
when the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master
home; upon which, the new friends parted, after a mutual promise
of meeting next evening in the same place.





CHAPTER III.




Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for her
Brother; who is accordingly introduced to the young Lady, whom he
marries in due Season.


I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of
Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of
these memoirs; but now it is high time to resume the consideration
of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, had been
engrossed by a double care, namely, that of finding a suitable
match for her brother, and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself.

Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail aggression,
but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition, which prompted
her to the preservation of the family name. Nay, so disinterested
was she in this pursuit, that, postponing her nearest concern, or
at least leaving her own fate to the silent operation of her charms,
she laboured with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother,
that before they had been three months settled in the country, the
general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was an intended
match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair Miss Appleby, daughter
of a gentleman who lived in the next parish, and who though he had
but little fortune to bestow upon his children, had, to use his
own phrase, replenished their veins with some of the best blood in
the country.

This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs. Grizzle had
investigated to her own satisfaction, was destined for the spouse
of Mr. Pickle; and an overture accordingly made to her father,
who, being overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without
hesitation, and even recommended the immediate execution of the
project with such eagerness, as seemed to indicate either a suspicion
of Mr. Pickle's constancy, or a diffidence of his own daughter's
complexion, which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much
longer cool. The previous point being thus settled, our merchant,
at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit his future
father-in-law, and was introduced to the daughter, with whom he
had, that same afternoon, an opportunity of being alone. What passed
in that interview I never could learn, though from the character
of the suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not
much teased with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I
believe, the less welcome for that reason: certain it is she made
no objection to his taciturnity; and when her father communicated
his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious resignation. But
Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give the lady a more favourable idea
of his intellects than his conversation could possibly inspire,
resolved to dictate a letter, which her brother should transcribe
and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own understanding,
and had actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose;
yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension
of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's repeated
admonitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing, for himself, and
despatching the letter one afternoon, while Mrs. Grizzle was visiting
at the parson's.

Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation;
but having been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely
necessary for him to make a declaration of his love in writing,
he took this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice,
when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other
suggestion, without suspecting in the least that she intended to
save him the trouble of exercising his own genius. Left, therefore,
as he imagined, to his own inventions, he sat down, and produced
the following morceau, which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before
his sister and counsellor had the least intimation of the affair:--

"Miss Sally Appleby.
"Madam,--Understanding you have a parcel of heart, warranted
sound, to be disposed of, shall be pleased to treat for said
commodity, on reasonable terms; doubt not, shall agree for
same; shall wait on you for further information, when and where
you shall appoint. This the needful from--Yours, etc.
"Gam. Pickle."

This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as
cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as
if it had been couched in the most elegant terms that delicacy of
passion and cultivated genius could supply; nay, I believe, was the
more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness; because when
an advantageous match is in view, a sensible woman often considers
the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as
ensnaring ambiguities, or, at best, impertinent preliminaries, that
retard the treaty they are designed to promote; whereas Mr. Pickle
removed all disagreeable uncertainty, by descending at once to the
most interesting particular.

She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated this billet-doux
to her father, than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle,
and, in presence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a formal explanation
of his sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel,
without any ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young
woman, and, with his good leave, would take her for better, for
worse. Mr. Appleby, after having expressed his satisfaction that
he had fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with
the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady; and they
forthwith proceeded to the articles of the marriage-settlement,
which being discussed and determined, a lawyer was ordered to
engross them; the wedding-clothes were bought, and, in short, a
day was appointed for the celebration of their nuptials, to which
everybody of any fashion in the neighbourhood was invited. Among
these, commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten,
being the sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by this
time, they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their nocturnal
rendezvous.

They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil,
from the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare
himself; in consequence of which, the topic of the one-eyed commander's
discourse, at their meeting, for several evenings before, had been
the folly and plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great
vehemence of abuse, leveled at the fair sex, whom he represented
as devils incarnate, sent from hell to torment mankind; and
in particular inveighed against old maids, for whom he seemed to
entertain a singular aversion; while his friend Jack confirmed the
truth of all his allegations, and gratified his own malignant vein
at the same time by clenching every sentence with a sly joke upon
the married state, built upon some allusion to a ship or sea-faring
life. He compared a woman to a great gun loaded with fire, brimstone,
and noise, which, being violently heated, will bounce and fly, and
play the devil, if you don't take special care of her breechings.
He said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter,
but veers about to all points of the compass. He likened her to a
painted galley, curiously rigged, with a leak in her hold, which
her husband would never be able to stop. He observed that her
inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay; for why? because you may
heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever reaching the
bottom; that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself
moored in d--d foul ground, and after all, can't for his blood slip
his cable; and that, for his own part, though he might make short
trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of
life, he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather.

In all probability, these insinuations made some impression on the
mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much inclined to run great
risks of any kind; but the injunctions and importunities of his
sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his
sea friends, who finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding
all the hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his
invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly.





CHAPTER IV.




The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an Account of
the Guests.


I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance, by way
of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned
her whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms on the
single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment; sure I am,
she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she
possessed; her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her
attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue
was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp, her address
was perfectly obliging, and though conscious of the extraordinary
capacity of her month, she would not venture to hazard a laugh,
she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper, which played on
her countenance all day long; nay, she even profited by that defect
in her vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated
those features which were most to her liking, while the rest of
the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary
direction. With what humility of complaisance did she receive
the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance
of the banquet; and how piously did she seize that opportunity of
commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that it was
no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she
had occasion to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her
papa!

Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation
when the opulence of her family became the subject of conversation,
she assumed a severity of countenance; and, after having moralized
on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked on her as
a fortune were very much mistaken; for her father had left her no
more than a poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little she
had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend
on: indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she
should not have been so forward in destroying her own expectations, by
advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily
assembled; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough
to postpone any interested consideration, when it should happen
to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her
modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed those whom
it might concern, that she was no less than three years older than
the bride; though had she added ten to the reckoning, she would
have committed no mistake in point of computation.

To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of
all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the
harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the
most melodious in the world, I dare say, would have been equally
at their service could she have vied with Philomel in song; and
as the last effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed,
she was prevailed on, at the request of her new sister, to open
the ball in person.

In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival,
and almost eclipsed the bride; who, far from seeming to dispute
the pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of
her talents; contenting herself with the lot to which fortune had
already called her and which she imagined would not be the less
desirable if her sister-in-law were detached from the family.

I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during this whole
entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of
their element; and this, indeed, was the case with the bridegroom
himself, who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite
commerce, found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during
the whole scene.

Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off,
and never once in his whole life in the company of any females
above the rank of those who herd on the Point at Portsmouth, was
more embarrassed about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded
at sea by the whole French navy. He had never pronounced the word
"madam" since he was born; so that, far from entering into conversation
with the ladies, he would not even return the compliment, or give
the least note of civility when they drank to his health, and, I
verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed
the simple phrase--"your servant," to proceed from his mouth. He
was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his
body; for, either through obstinacy or bashfulness, he sat upright
without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain
wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that
was the commodore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand
at his gate?--an image, to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's
person bore no faint resemblance.

Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore,
and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common
life, made a less uncouth appearance; but then he was a wit, and
though of a very peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition
which is common to all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when
their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration,
which, in their own opinion, they deserve.

These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at,
if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some
of the graver personages of the company made a motion for adjourning
into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and
bottles, while the young folks indulged themselves in the continuance
of their own favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a
state of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made
of their existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers,
that in less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing, and soon
after was carried to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to
the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by this
accident, were prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing
certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions. As for the
bride, she bore this misfortune with great good humour, and indeed,
on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman, perfectly well
acquainted with the nature of her own situation.





CHAPTER V.




Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family--Her
Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great Moment, but is for
some time diverted from her Purpose by a very interesting Consideration.


Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs.
Grizzle before she nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became
Mrs. Pickle, than she thought it encumbent on her to act up to the
dignity of the character; and, the very day after the marriage,
ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own
pedigree, which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects
than that of her husband; observing that several younger brothers
of her house had arrived at the station of lord-mayor of London,
which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's
predecessors had ever attained.

This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began
to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined,
in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow,
who would always treat her with that profound respect which she
thought due to her superior genius, and be entirely regulated by
her advice and direction: however, she still continued to manage
the reins of government in the house, reprehending the servants as
usual; an office she performed with great capacity, and in which
she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence
of consulting her ease, told her one day she would take that trouble
on herself, and for the future assume the management of her own
family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such
a declaration; to which, after a considerable pause, and strange
distortion of look, she replied: "I shall never refuse or repine
at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage."--"Dear
madam," answered the sister, "I am infinitely obliged for your
kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my own,
but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and,
therefore, insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have borne
so long."

In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task:
Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance;
and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health
and tranquility, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged
to resign her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for
complaining of her being deposed.

This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted
three or four weeks; during which period she had the additional
chagrin of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over
the mind of her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage,
and improve his housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense,
to the amount of a thousand a year at least: though his alteration
in the economy of his household effected no change in his own
disposition, or manner of life; for as soon as the painful ceremony
of receiving and returning visits was performed, he had recourse
to the company of his sea friends, with whom he spent the best part
of his time. But if he was satisfied with his condition, the case
was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding her importance in
the family greatly diminished, her attractions neglected by all
the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering hand of time
hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror of eternal
virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate to
rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation.

Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which to
a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have
appeared altogether impracticable: this was no other than to make
a conquest of the commodore's heart, which the reader will easily
believe was not very susceptible of tender impressions; but, on
the contrary, fortified with insensibility and prejudice against
the charms of the whole sex, and particularly prepossessed to the
prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation of old
maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this time unhappily ranked.
She nevertheless took the field, and having invested this seemingly
impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day, when Trunnion
dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commendations
on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people, paying a particular
attention to his plate, and affecting a simper of approbation at
everything which he said, which by any means she could construe
into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, even when
he left decency on the left hand, which was often the case, she
ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin, saying,
"Sure you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with
you." But all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from
suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening,
at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom by this time he
could take any manner of freedom, did not scruple to d-- her for
a squinting, block-faced, chattering p-- kitchen; and immediately
after drank "Despair to all old maids." The toast Mr. Pickle
pledged without the least hesitation, and next day intimated to
his sister, who bore the indignity with surprising resignation, and
did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed
to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in another
care, which for some time interrupted the progress of this design.

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