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The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle




Mr. Jolter, though he had travelled on that road before, could not
recollect whether or not mine host spoke truth; but his remonstrance
being very plausible, our hero determined to follow his advice,
and being conducted into an apartment, asked what they could have
for supper. The landlord mentioned everything that was eatable in
the house; and the whole being engrossed for the use of him and
his attendants, he amused himself, till such time as it should be
dressed, in strolling about the house, which stands in a very rural
situation. While he thus loitered away the time that hung heavy on
his hands, another chaise arrived at the inn, and upon inquiry he
found that the new-comers were Mr. Hornbeck and his lady. The landlord,
conscious of his inability to entertain this second company, came
and begged with great humiliation that Mr. Pickle would spare them
some part of the victuals he had bespoken; but he refused to part
with so much as the wing of a partridge, though at the same time he
sent his compliments to the strangers, and giving them to understand
how ill the house was provided for their reception, invited them
to partake of his supper. Mr. Hornbeck, who was not deficient in
point of politeness, and extremely well disposed for a relishing
meal, which he had reason to expect from the savoury steam that
issued from the kitchen, could not resist this second instance of
our young gentleman's civility, which he acknowledged in a message,
importing that he and his wife would do themselves the pleasure of
profiting by his courteous offer. Peregrine's cheeks glowed when
he found himself on the eve of being acquainted with Mrs. Hornbeck,
of whose heart he had already made a conquest in imagination; and
he forthwith set his invention at work, to contrive some means of
defeating her husband's vigilance.

When supper was ready, he in person gave notice to his guests, and,
leading the lady into his apartment, seated her in an elbow-chair
at the upper end of the table, squeezing her hand, and darting a
most insidious glance at the same time. This abrupt behaviour he
practised on the presumption that a lady of her breeding was not
to be addressed with the tedious forms that must be observed in
one's advances to a person of birth and genteel education. In all
probability his calculation was just, for Mrs. Hornbeck gave no
signs of discontent at this sort of treatment, but, on the contrary,
seemed to consider it as a proof of the young gentleman's regard;
and though she did not venture to open her mouth three times during
the whole repast, she showed herself particularly well satisfied
with her entertainer, by sundry sly and significant looks, while
her husband's eyes were directed another way; and divers loud peals
of laughter, signifying her approbation of the sallies which he
uttered in the course of their conversation.

Her spouse began to be very uneasy at the frank demeanour of
his yoke-fellow, whom he endeavoured to check in her vivacity, by
assuming a severity of aspect; but whether she obeyed the dictates
of her own disposition, which, perhaps, was merry and unreserved,
or wanted to punish Mr. Hornbeck for his jealousy of temper; certain
it is, her gaiety increased to such a degree, that her husband was
grievously alarmed and, incensed at her conduct, and resolved to
make her sensible of his displeasure, by treading in secret upon
her toes. He was, however, so disconcerted by his indignation, that
he mistook his mark, and applied the sharp heel of his shoe to the
side of Mr. Jolter's foot, comprehending his little toe that was
studded with an angry corn, which he invaded with such a sudden
jerk, that the governor, unable to endure the torture in silence
started up, and, dancing on the floor, roared hideously with repeated
bellowings, to the enjoyment of Peregrine and the lady, who laughed
themselves almost into convulsions at the joke. Hornbeck, confounded
at the mistake he had committed, begged pardon of the injured tutor
with great contrition protesting that the blow he had so unfortunately
received, was intended for an ugly cur, which he thought had posted
himself under the table. It was lucky for him that there was actually
a dog in the room, to justify this excuse, which Jolter admitted
with the tears running over his cheeks, and the economy of the
table was recomposed.

As soon, however, as the strangers could with decency withdraw,
this suspicious husband took his leave of the youth, on pretence of
being fatigued with his journey, after having, by way of compliment,
proposed that they should travel together next day; and Peregrine
handed the lady to her chamber, where he wished her good night with
another warm squeeze, which she returned. This favourable hint
made his heart bound with a transport of joy: he lay in wait for an
opportunity of declaring himself; and seeing the husband go down
into the yard with a candle, glided softly into his apartment, where
he found her almost undressed. Impelled by the impetuosity of his
passion, which was still more inflamed by her present luscious
appearance, and encouraged by the approbation she had already
expressed, he ran towards her with eagerness, crying, "Zounds!
madam, your charms are irresistible!" and without further ceremony
would have clasped her in his arms, had she not begged him for the
love of God to retire; for should Mr. Hornbeck return and find him
there, she would be undone for ever. He was not so blinded by his
passion, but that he saw the reasonableness of her fear; and as he
could not pretend to crown his wishes at that interview, he avowed
himself her lover, assured her that he would exhaust his whole
invention in finding a proper opportunity for throwing himself at
her feet; and in the mean time he ravished sundry small favours,
which she in the hurry of her fright, could not withhold from his
impudence of address. Having thus settled the preliminaries, he
withdrew to his own chamber, and spent the whole night in contriving
stratagems to elude the jealous caution of his fellow-traveller.





CHAPTER XXXVIII.




They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at Amiens and,
about eleven o'clock, arrive at Chantilly where Peregrine executes
a Plan which he had concerted upon Hornbeck.


The whole company by agreement rose and departed before day, and
breakfasted at Abbeville, where they became acquainted with the
finesse of their Bernay landlord, who had imposed upon them, in
affirming that they would not have been admitted after the gates
were shut. From thence they proceeded to Amiens, where they dined,
and were pestered by begging friars; and the roads being deep, it
was eleven o'clock at night before they reached Chantilly, where they
found supper already dressed, in consequence of having despatched
the valet-de-chambre before them on horseback.

The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by a life of
irregularity, he found himself so fatigued with his day's journey,
which amounted to upwards of a hundred miles, that when he sat
down at table, he could scarce sit upright; and in less than three
minutes began to nod in his chair. Peregrine, who had foreseen and
provided for this occasion, advised him to exhilarate his spirits
with a glass of wine; and the proposal being embraced, tipped his
valet-de-chambre the wink, who, according to the instructions he
had received, qualified the Burgundy with thirty drops of laudanum,
which this unfortunate husband swallowed in one glass. The dose,
cooperating with his former drowsiness, lulled him so fast to sleep,
as it were instantaneously, that it was found necessary to convey
him to his own chamber, where his footman undressed and put him to
bed: nor was Jolter (naturally of a sluggish disposition) able to
resist his propensity to sleep, without suffering divers dreadful
yawns, which encouraged his pupil to administer the same dose to
him, which had operated so successfully upon the other Argus. This
cordial had not such gentle effect upon the rugged organs of Jolter
as upon the more delicate nerves of Hornbeck; but discovered itself
in certain involuntary startings, and convulsive motions in the
muscles of his face; and when his nature at length yielded to the
power of this medicine, he sounded the trumpet so loud through his
nostrils, that our adventurer was afraid the noise would wake his
other patient, and consequently the accomplishment of his aim. The
governor was therefore committed to the care of Pipes, who lugged
him into the next room, and having stripped off his clothes, tumbled
him into his nest, while the two lovers remained at full liberty
to indulge their mutual passion.

Peregrine, in the impatience of his inclination, would have finished
the fate of Hornbeck immediately; but his inamorata disapproved
of his intention, and represented that their being together by
themselves for any length of time would be observed by her servant,
who was kept as a spy upon her actions; so that they had recourse
to another scheme which was executed in this manner. He conducted
her into her own apartment in presence of her footman, who lighted
them thither, and wishing her good rest, returned to his own
chamber, where he waited till everything was quiet in the house;
then stealing softly to her door, which had been left open for his
admission in the dark, he found the husband still secure in the
embraces of sleep, and the lady in a loose gown, ready to seal
his happiness. He conveyed her to his own chamber; but his guilty
passion was not gratified.

The opium which had been given to Jolter, together with the wine he
had drunk, produced such a perturbation in his fancy, that he was
visited with horrible dreams; and, among other miserable situations,
imagined himself in danger of perishing in the flames, which
he thought had taken hold on his apartment. This vision made such
an impression upon his faculties, that he alarmed the whole house
with repeated cries of "Fire! fire!" and even leaped out of his
bed, though he still continued fast asleep. The lovers were very
disagreeably disturbed by this dreadful exclamation; and Mrs.
Hornbeck, running in great confusion to the door, had the mortification
to see the footman, with a light in his hand, enter her husband's
chamber, in order to give him notice of this accident. She knew
that she would be instantly missed, and could easily divine the
consequence, unless her invention could immediately trump up some
plausible excuse for her absence.

Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of such
emergency: she employed but a few seconds in recollection, and,
rushing directly towards the apartment of the governor, who still
continued to hallo in the same note, exclaimed, in a screaming
tone, "Lord have mercy upon us! where! where!" By this time, all
the servants were assembled in strange attire: Peregrine burst into
Jolter's room, and seeing him stalking in his shirt, with his eyes
shut, bestowed such a slap upon his back, as in a moment dissolved
his dream, and restored him to the use of his senses. He was astonished
and ashamed at being discovered in such an indecent attitude; and,
taking refuge under the clothes, asked pardon of all present for
the disturbance he had occasioned; soliciting, with great humility,
the forgiveness of the lady, who, to a miracle, counterfeited the
utmost agitation of terror and surprise. Meanwhile Hornbeck, being
awaked by the repeated efforts of his man, no sooner understood
that his wife was missing, than all the chimeras of jealousy taking
possession of his imagination, he started up in a sort of frenzy,
and, snatching his sword, flew straight to Peregrine's chamber;
where, though he found not that which he looked for, he unluckily
perceived an under-petticoat, which his wife had forgot in the
hurry of her retreat. This discovery added fuel to the flame of
his resentment. He seized the fatal proof of his dishonour, and,
meeting his spouse in her return to bed, presented it to her view,
with a most expressive countenance, "Madam, you have dropped your
under-petticoat in the next room."

Mrs. Hornbeck, who inherited from nature a most admirable presence
of mind, looked earnestly at the object in question, and, with
incredible serenity of countenance, affirmed that the petticoat
must belong to the house, for she had none such in her possession.
Peregrine, who walked behind her, hearing this asseveration,
immediately interposed, and pulling Hornbeck by the sleeve into
his chamber, "Gadszooks!" said he, "what business had you with that
petticoat? Can't you let a young fellow enjoy a little amour with
an innkeeper's daughter, without exposing his infirmities to your
wife? Pshaw! that's so malicious, because you have quitted these
adventures yourself, to spoil the sport of other people."

The poor husband was so confounded at the effrontery of his wife,
and this cavalier declaration of the young man, that his faith began
to waver; he distrusted his own conscious diffidence of temper,
which, that he might not expose, he expressed no doubts of Peregrine's
veracity; but, asking pardon for the mistake he had committed,
retired. He was not yet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious
helpmate, but on the contrary determined to inquire more minutely
into the circumstances of this adventure, which turned out so little
to his satisfaction, that he ordered his servant to get everything
ready for his departure by break of day; and when our adventurer
rose next morning, he found that his fellow-travellers were gone
above three hours, though they had agreed to stay all the forenoon,
with a view of seeing the prince of Conde's palace, and to proceed
all together for Paris in the afternoon.

Peregrine was a little chagrined, when he understood that he was
so suddenly deprived of this untasted morsel; and Jolter could not
conceive the meaning of their abrupt and uncivil disappearance,
which, after many profound conjectures, he accounted for, by
supposing that Hornbeck was some sharper who had run away with an
heiress, whom he found it necessary to conceal from the inquiry of
her friends. The pupil, who was well assured of the true motive,
allowed his governor to enjoy the triumph of his own penetration,
and consoled himself with the hope of seeing his dulcinea again at
some of the public places in Paris, which he proposed to frequent.
Thus comforted, he visited the magnificent stables and palace of
Chantilly, and immediately after dinner set out for Paris, where
they arrived in the evening, and hired apartments at an hotel in
the Faubourg St. Germaine, not far from the playhouse.





CHAPTER XXXIX.




He is involved in an Adventure at Paris, and taken prisoner by the
City Guard--Becomes acquainted with a French Nobleman, who introduces
him in the Beau Monde.


They were no sooner settled in these lodgings, than our hero wrote
to his uncle an account of their safe arrival, and sent another
letter to his friend Gauntlet, with a very tender billet inclosed
for his dear Emilia, to whom he repeated all his former vows of
constancy and love.

The next care that engrossed him was that of bespeaking several suits
of clothes suitable to the French mode; and, in the mean time, he
never appeared abroad, except in the English coffee-house, where he
soon became acquainted with some of his own countrymen, who were
at Paris on the same footing with himself. The third evening after
his journey, he was engaged in a party of those young sparks, at
the house of a noted traiteur, whose wife was remarkably handsome,
and otherwise extremely well qualified for alluring customers to
her house. To this lady our young gentleman was introduced as a
stranger fresh from England; and he was charmed with her personal
accomplishments, as well as with the freedom and gaiety of her
conversation. Her frank deportment persuaded him that she was one
of those kind creatures who granted favours to the best bidder: on
this supposition he began to be so importunate in his addresses,
that the fair bourgeoise was compelled to cry aloud in defence of
her own virtue. Her husband ran immediately to her assistance, and
finding her in a very alarming situation, flew upon her ravisher
with such fury, that he was fain to quit his prey, and turn against
the exasperated traiteur, whom he punished without mercy for his
impudent intrusion. The lady, seeing her yoke-fellow treated with
so little respect, espoused his cause, and, fixing her nails in his
antagonist's face, sacrificed all one side of his nose. The noise
of this encounter brought all the servants of the house to the rescue
of their master; and Peregrine's company opposing them, a general
battle ensued, in which the French were totally routed, the wife
insulted, and the husband kicked downstairs.

The publican, enraged at the indignity which had been offered
to him and his family, went out into the street, and implored the
protection of the guet, or city guard, which, having heard his
complaint, fixed their bayonets and surrounded the door, to the
number of twelve or fourteen. The young gentlemen, flushed with their
success, and considering the soldiers as so many London watchmen
whom they had often put to flight, drew their swords, and sallied
out, with Peregrine at their head. Whether the guard respected them
as foreigners, or inexperienced youths intoxicated with liquor,
they opened to right and left, and gave them room to pass without
opposition. This complaisance, which was the effect of compassion,
being misinterpreted by the English leader, he, out of mere wantonness,
attempted to trip up the heels of the soldier that stood next him,
but failed in the execution, and received a blow on his breast with
the butt-end of a fusil, that made him stagger several paces backward.
Incensed at this audacious application, the whole company charged
the detachment sword in hand and, after an obstinate engagement,
in which divers wounds were given and received, every soul of them
was taken, and conveyed to the main-guard. The commanding officer
being made acquainted with the circumstances of the quarrel, in
consideration of their youth and national ferocity, for which the
French make large allowances, set them all at liberty, after having
gently rebuked them for the irregularity and insolence of their
conduct; so that all our hero acquired by his gallantry and courage,
was a number of scandalous marks upon his visage that confined him
a whole week to his chamber. It was impossible to conceal this
disaster from Mr. Jolter, who, having obtained intelligence of the
particulars, did not fail to remonstrate against the rashness of
the adventure, which, he observed, must have been fatal to them,
had their enemies been other than Frenchmen, who, of all people
under the sun, most rigorously observe the laws of hospitality.

As the governor's acquaintance lay chiefly among Irish and English
priests, and a set of low people who live by making themselves
necessary to strangers, either in teaching the French language, or
executing small commissions with which they are intrusted, he was
not the most proper person in the world for regulating the taste
of a young gentleman who travelled for improvement, in expectation
of making a figure one day in his own country. Being conscious of
his own incapacity, he contented himself with the office of a steward,
and kept a faithful account of all the money that was disbursed in
the course of their family expense: not but that he was acquainted
with all the places which were visited by strangers on their first
arrival at Paris; and he knew to a liard what was commonly given
to the Swiss of each remarkable hotel; though, with respect to
the curious painting and statuary that everywhere abounded in that
metropolis, he was more ignorant than the domestic that attends
for a livre a day.

In short, Mr. Jolter could give a very good account of the stages
on the road, and save the expense of Antonini's detail of the
curiosities in Paris: he was a connoisseur in ordinaries, from
twelve to five-and-thirty livres, knew all the rates of fiacre
and remise, could dispute with a tailleur or a traiteur upon the
articles of his bill, and scold the servants in tolerable French.
But the laws, customs, and genius of the people, the characters of
individuals, and scenes of polished life, were subjects which he
had neither opportunities to observe, inclination to consider, nor
discernment to distinguish. All his maxims were the suggestions of
pedantry and prejudice; so that his perception was obscured, his
judgment biased, his address awkward, and his conversation absurd
and unentertaining: yet such as I have represented this tutor,
are the greatest part of those animals who lead raw boys about the
world, under the denomination of travelling governors. Peregrine,
therefore, being perfectly well acquainted with the extent of Mr.
Jolter's abilities, never dreamt of consulting him in the disposition
of his conduct, but parcelled out his time to the dictates of his
own reflection, and the information and direction of his companions,
who had lived longer in France, and consequently were better
acquainted with the pleasures of the place.

As soon as he was in a condition to appear a la Francaise, he hired
a genteel chariot by the month, made the tour of the Luxembourg
gallery, Palais Royal, all the remarkable hotels, churches, and
celebrated places in Paris; visited St. Cloud, Marli, Versailles,
Trianon, St. Germaine, and Fountainebleau, enjoyed the opera, Italian
and French comedy; and seldom failed of appearing in the public
walks, in hopes of meeting with Mrs. Hornbeck, or some adventure
suited to his romantic disposition. He never doubted that his person
would attract the notice of some distinguished inamorata, and was
vain enough to believe that few female hearts were able to resist the
artillery of his accomplishments, should he once find an opportunity
of planting it to advantage. He presented himself, however, at all
the spectacles for many weeks, without reaping the fruits of his
expectation; and began to entertain a very indifferent idea of the
French discernment, which had overlooked him so long, when one day,
in his way to the opera, his chariot was stopped by an embarrass
in the street, occasioned by two peasants, who having driven their
carts against each other, quarrelled, and went to loggerheads on the
spot. Such a rencounter is so uncommon in France, that the people
shut up their shops, and from their windows threw cold water upon
the combatants, with a view of putting an end to the battle, which
was maintained with great fury, and very little skill, until one
of them receiving an accidental fall, the other took the advantage
of this misfortune, and, fastening upon him, as he lay, began to
thump the pavement with his head.

Our hero's equipage being detained close by the field of this
contention, Pipes could not bear to see the laws of boxing so
scandalously transgressed, and, leaping from his station, pulled
the offender from his antagonist, whom he raised up, and in the
English language encouraged to a second essay, instructing him at
the same time by clenching his fists according to art, and putting
himself in a proper attitude. Thus confirmed, the enraged carman
sprang upon his foe, and in all appearance would have effectually
revenged the injury he had sustained, if he had not been prevented
by the interposition of a lacquey belonging to a nobleman, whose
coach was obliged to halt in consequence of the dispute. This
footman, who was distinguished by a cane, descending from his post,
without the least ceremony or expostulation, began to employ his
weapon upon the head and shoulders of the peasant who had been
patronized by Pipes; upon which, Thomas, resenting such ungenerous
behaviour, bestowed such a stomacher upon the officious intermeddler,
as discomposed the whole economy of his entrails, and obliged him
to discharge the interjection Ah! with demonstrations of great
anguish and amazement. The other two footmen who stood behind the
coach, seeing their fellow-servant so insolently assaulted, flew
to his assistance, and rallied a most disagreeable shower upon the
head of his aggressor, who had no means of diversion or defence.

Peregrine, though he did not approve of Tom's conduct, could not
bear to see him so roughly handled, especially as he thought his own
honour concerned in the fray; and therefore, quitting his machine,
came to the rescue of his attendant, and charged his adversaries
sword in hand. Two of them no sooner perceived this reinforcement,
than they betook themselves to flight; and Pipes, having twisted the
cane out of the hands of the third, belaboured him so unmercifully,
that our hero thought proper to interpose his authority in his behalf.
The common people stood aghast at this unprecedented boldness of
Pickle, who understanding that the person whose servants he had
disciplined was a general and prince of the blood, went up to the
coach, and asked pardon for what he had done, imputing his own
behaviour to his ignorance of the other's quality. The old nobleman
accepted of his apology with great politeness, thanking him for
the trouble he bad taken to reform the manners of his domestics;
and guessing from our youth's appearance that he was some stranger
of condition, very courteously invited him into the coach, on the
supposition that they were both going to the opera. Pickle gladly
embraced this opportunity of becoming acquainted with a person of
such rank, and, ordering his own chariot to follow, accompanied
the count to his loge, where he conversed with him during the whole
entertainment.

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