The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

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THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE

In which are included

Memoirs of a Lady of Quality

By Tobias Smollett

VOLUME I.

CHAPTER I.

An Account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle--The Disposition of his Sister
described--He yields to her Solicitations, and returns to the
Country.

In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by the sea,
and at the distance of one hundred miles from the metropolis, lived
Gamaliel Pickle, esq.; the father of that hero whose fortunes we
propose to record. He was the son of a merchant in London, who,
like Rome, from small beginnings had raised himself to the highest
honours of the city, and acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to
his infinite regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring
his son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to imitate
his industry, and adhere to his maxims, until he should have made
up the deficiency, which was a sum considerably less than fifteen
thousand pounds.

This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his
representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the
deceased: but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed
him, in a series of efforts, which, however, did not succeed; for
by the time he bad been fifteen years in trade, he found himself five
thousand pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of
his father's effects; a circumstance that affected him so nearly,
as to detach his inclinations from business, and induce him to retire
from the world to some place where he might at leisure deplore his
misfortunes, and, by frugality, secure himself from want, and the
apprehensions of a jail, with which his imagination was incessantly
haunted. He was often heard to express his fears of coming upon
the parish; and to bless God, that, on account of his having been
so long a housekeeper, he was entitled to that provision. In short,
his talents were not naturally active, and there was a sort of
inconsistency in his character; for, with all the desire of amassing
which any citizen could possibly entertain, he was encumbered
by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over every
interested consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by
that singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites, which
have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes;
qualities which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. Nature,
in all probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in
his composition; or, whatever seeds of excess she might have sown
within him, were effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity
of his education.

The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never
exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary
pot, on extraordinary occasions, may be supposed to have produced
in a club of sedate book-keepers, whose imaginations were neither
very warm nor luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he
was scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The
passion of love never interrupted his tranquility; and if, as Mr.
Creech says, after Horace,

Not to admire is all the art I know;
To make men happy, and to keep them so;

Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret;
at least, he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of
transport, except one evening at the club, where he observed, with
some demonstrations of vivacity, that he had dined upon a delicate
loin of veal.

Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not help feeling
his disappointments in trade; and upon the failure of a certain
underwriter, by which he lost five hundred pounds, declared his
design of relinquishing business, and retiring to the country. In
this resolution he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister,
Mrs. Grizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his
father, and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood, with
a fortune of five thousand pounds, and a large stock of economy
and devotion.

These qualifications, one would think, might have been the means
of abridging the term of her celibacy, as she never expressed any
aversion to wedlock; but, it seems, she was too delicate in her
choice, to find a mate to her inclination in the city: for I cannot
suppose that she remained so long unsolicited; though the charms of
her person were not altogether enchanting, nor her manner over and
above agreeable. Exclusive of a very wan (not to call it sallow)
complexion, which, perhaps, was the effects of her virginity
and mortification, she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all
engaging; and such an extent of mouth, as no art or affectation
could contract into any proportionable dimension; then her piety
was rather peevish than resigned, and did not in the least diminish
a certain stateliness in her demeanour and conversation, that
delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her family,
which, by the bye, was not to be traced two generations back by
all the power of heraldry or tradition.

She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired
before her father served the office of sheriff; and the eye which
regulated the dates of all her observation, was the mayoralty of
her papa. Nay, so solicitous was this good lady for the support
and propagation of the family name, that, suppressing every selfish
motive, she actually prevailed upon her brother to combat with
his own disposition, and even surmount it so far, as to declare a
passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded, as we shall see
in the sequel. Indeed, she was the spur that instigated him in all
his extraordinary undertakings; and I question, whether be would or
not have been able to disengage himself from that course of life in
which he had so long mechanically moved, unless he had been roused
and actuated by her incessant exhortations. London, she observed,
was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest, unsuspecting man
was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to craft; where
innocence was exposed to continual temptations, and virtue eternally
persecuted by malice and slander; where everything was ruled by
caprice and corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised.
This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin,
as plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example
of what she advanced; and really the charge was justified by the
constructions that were put upon her retreat by her female friends,
who, far from imputing it to the laudable motives that induced her,
insinuated, in sarcastic commendations, that she had good reason
to be dissatisfied with a place where she had been so overlooked;
and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort
in the country, where, in all probability, her talents would be
less eclipsed, and her fortune more attractive.

Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were powerful
enough to convince, would have been insufficient to overcome the
languor and vis inertiae of her brother, had she not reinforced
her arguments, by calling in question the credit of two or three
merchants, with whom he was embarked in trade.

Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, be exerted himself effectually;
he withdrew his money from trade, and laying it out in Bank-stock,
and India-bonds, removed to a house in the country, which his father
had built near the sea-side, for the convenience of carrying on a
certain branch of traffic in which he had been deeply concerned.

Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in the
six-and-thirtieth year of his age; and though the pangs he felt at
parting with his intimate companions, and quitting all his former
connections, were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous
disorder in his constitution, he did not fail to be extremely
disconcerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which
he was totally a stranger. Not but that he met with abundance
of people in the country, who, in consideration of his fortune,
courted his acquaintance, and breathed nothing but friendship and
hospitality; yet, even the trouble of receiving and returning these
civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a man of his habits and
disposition. He therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his
sister, who indulged herself in all the pride of formality; while
he himself, having made a discovery of a public-house in the
neighbourhood, went thither every evening and enjoyed his pipe and
can; being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord,
whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity;
for he shunned all superfluity of speech, as much as he avoided
any other unnecessary expense.

CHAPTER II.

He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion
and his Adherents--Meets with them by Accident, and contracts an
Intimacy with that Commander.

This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the
characters in the county; and, among others, described that of his
next neighbour, Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular
and odd. "The commodore and your worship," said he, "will in a
short time be hand and glove, he has a power of money, and spends
it like a prince--that is, in his own way--for to be sure he is
a little humorsome, as the saying is, and swears woundily; though
I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a sucking babe. Lord help
us! it will do your honour's heart good to hear him tell a story,
as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm and yard-arm, board
and board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots, and grapes,
and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters. Lord
have mercy upon us! he has been a great warrior in his time, and
lost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like
any other Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as
if he were in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants turn
out in the night, watch and watch as he calls it, all the year
round. His habitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has
laid a draw-bridge, and planted his court-yard with patereroes
continually loaded with shot, under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway,
who had one of his legs shot away while he acted as lieutenant on
board the commodore's ship; and now, being on half-pay, lives with
him as his companion. The lieutenant is a very brave man, a great
joker, and, as the saying is, hath got the length of his commander's
foot--though he has another favourite in the house called Tom
Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps the servants in
order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand at a song
concerning the boatswain's whistle, hustle-cap, and chuck-farthing--there
is not such another pipe in the county--so that the commodore lives
very happy in his own manner; though he be sometimes thrown into
perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his poor
kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were the
first occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at
the sight of an attorney, just, for all the world, as some people
have an antipathy to a cat: for it seems he was once at law, for
striking one of his officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is,
moreover, exceedingly afflicted with goblins that disturb his rest,
and keep such a racket in his house, that you would think (God
bless us!) all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him. It was
no longer ago than last year about this time, that he was tormented
the livelong night by the mischievous spirits that got into his
chamber, and played a thousand pranks about his hammock, for there is
not one bed within his walls. Well, sir, he rang his bell, called
up all his servants, got lights, and made a thorough search; but the
devil a goblin was to be found. He had no sooner turned in again,
and the rest of the family gone to sleep, than the foul fiends
began their game anew. The commodore got up in the dark, drew his
cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that in five minutes
everything in the apartment went to pieces, The lieutenant, hearing
the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told what was
the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard, fired
all the patereroes as signals of distress. Well, to be sure the
whole parish was in a pucker: some thought the French had landed;
others imagined the commodore's house was beset by thieves; for my
own part, I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon me, and
they swore, with deadly oaths, it was a gang of smugglers engaged
with a party of their regiment that lies in the next village; and
mounting their horses like lusty fellows, rode up into the country
as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah, master! These are
hard times, when an industrious body cannot earn his bread without
fear of the gallows. Your worship's father (God rest his soul!)
was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as e'er
a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour should want
a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nantes, I'll
be bound you shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, as
I was saying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson
being sent for, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the
house has been pretty quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway
makes a mock of the whole affair; and told his commander, in this
very blessed spot, that the two goblins were no other than a couple
of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney, and made a flapping
with their wings up and down the apartment. But the commodore, who
is very choleric, and does not like to be jeered, fell into a main
high passion, and stormed like a perfect hurricane, swearing that
he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as e'er a man in the three
kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds were found, but denied
that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own part, master,
I believe much may be said on both sides of the question; though
to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is."

This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered
one feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard
it to an end, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with a look
of infinite sagacity and deliberation, "I do suppose he is of the
Cornish Trunnions. What sort of a woman is his spouse?" "Spouse!"
cried the other; "odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the
queen of Sheba. Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to
be in the garrison, but turns them into an out-house every night
before the watch is set. Bless your honour's soul, he is, as it
were, a very oddish kind of a gentleman. Your worship would have
seen him before now; for, when he is well, he and my good master
Hatchway come hither every evening, and drink a couple of cans of
rumbo a piece; but he has been confined to his house this fortnight
by a plaguy fit of the gout, which, I'll assure your worship, is
a good penny out of my pocket."

At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange
noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave
immediate indications of alarm. This composition of notes at first
resembled the crying of quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but
as it approached nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds
pronounced with great violence, in such a cadence as one would
expect to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs
of an ass; it was neither speaking nor braying, but a surprising
mixture of both, employed in the utterance of terms absolutely
unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who had just opened
his mouth to express his curiosity, when the starting up at the
well-known sound, cried, "Odd's niggers! there is the commodore
with his company, as sure as I live," and with his apron began to
wipe the dust off an elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and
kept sacred for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander.
While he vas thus occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than
the former, bawled aloud, "Ho! the house, a-hoy!" Upon which the
publican, clapping a hand to each side of his head with his thumbs
fixed to his ears, rebellowed in the same tone, which he had learned
to imitate, "Hilloah." The voice again exclaimed, "Have you got any
attorneys aboard?" and when the landlord replied, "No, no," this
man of strange expectation came in, supported by his two dependents,
and displayed a figure every way answerable to the oddity of his
character. He was in stature at least six feet high, though he had
contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long on board; his
complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by a large
scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the place of one
eye. Being seated in his chair, with great formality the landlord
complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again; and
having in a whisper communicated the name of his fellow-guest, whom
the commodore already knew by report, went to prepare, with all
imaginable despatch, the first allowance of his favourite liquor,
in three separate cans (for each was accommodated with his own
portion apart), while the lieutenant sat down on the blind side
of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing his distance, with great
modesty took his station in the rear.

After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by this
ferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a
sternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in these
words: "D-- my eyes! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better
seaman than to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood!
didn't I tell you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set
in the ice-brace, and haul up a wind?"--"Yes," replied the other,
with an arch sneer, "I do confess as how you did give such orders,
after you had run us foul of a post, so as that the carriage lay
along, and could not right herself."--"I run you foul of a post!"
cried the commander: "d-- my heart! you're a pretty dog, an't you,
to tell me so above-board to my face? Did I take charge of the
chaise? Did I stand at the helm?"--"No," answered Hatchway; "I must
confess you did not steer; but, howsomever, you cunned all the way,
and so, as you could not see how the land lay, being blind of your
larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew anything of the
matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth of what I
say."--"D-- my limbs!" resumed the commodore, "I don't value what
you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a couple of mutinous--I'll
say no more; but you shan't run your rig upon me, d-- ye, I am the
man that learnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a
perpendicular."

The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of
his captain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any further;
but taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who very
courteously returned the compliment, without, however, presuming
to join in the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause.
During this interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in
several practical jokes upon the commodore, with whom he knew it
was dangerous to tamper in any other way. Being without the sphere
of his vision, he securely pilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo,
made wry faces, and, to use the vulgar phrase, cocked his eye at
him, to the no small entertainment of the spectators, Mr. Pickle
himself not excepted, who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction
at the dexterity of this marine p pantomime.

Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and he was
pleased to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive
of Jack, to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him.
This task was accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who,
among paragraphs, read that which follows, with an elevation of
voice which seemed to prognosticate something extraordinary: "We
are informed, that Admiral Bower will very soon be created a British
peer, for his eminent services during the war, particularly in his
late engagement with the French fleet."

Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence: the ring
dropped front his hand, and shivered into a thousand pieces; his
eye glistened like that of a rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed
before he could pronounce, "Avast! overhaul that article again!"

It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table
with his fist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis
of rage and indignation, exclaimed, "D-- my heart and liver! 'tis
a land lie, d'ye see; and I will maintain it to be a lie, from the
sprit-sail yard to the mizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder!
Will. Bower a peer of this realm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce
knows a mast from a manger! a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have
ordered to the gun, for stealing eggs out of the hen-coops! and
I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a ship before be could keep a
reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and forgotten! If so be as this
be the case, there is a rotten plank in our constitution, which
ought to be hove down and repaired, d-- my eyes! For my own part,
d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs: I did not rise in the
service by parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b-- of a wife.
I was not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the
quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D--
my limbs! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices
on board from cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you
Tunley, there's the hand of a seaman, you dog."

So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and honoured him with
such a squeeze, as compelled him to roar with great vociferation, to
the infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a
little unblended by this acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus
proceeded, in a less outrageous strain: "They make a d--d noise
about this engagement with the French: but, egad! it was no more
than a bumboat battle, in comparison with some that I have seen.
There was old Rook and Jennings, and another whom I'll be d--d
before I name, that knew what fighting was. As for my own share,
d'ye see, I am none of those that hallo in their own commendation:
but if so be that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter, some of
those little fellows that hold their heads so high would be taken
all aback, as the saying is: they would be ashamed to show their
colours, d-- my eyes! I once lay eight glasses alongside of the
Flour de Louse, a French man-of-war, though her mettle was heavier,
and her complement larger by a hundred hands than mine. You, Jack
Hatchway, d-- ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell a story,
because you never heard it before?"

"Why, look ye, sir," answered the lieutenant, "I am glad to find you
can stand your own trumpeter on occasion; though I wish you would
change the tune, for that is the same you have been piping every
watch for these ten months past. Tunley himself will tell you he
has heard it five hundred times."--"God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway,"
said the landlord, interrupting him; "as I am an honest man and a
housekeeper, I never heard a syllable of the matter."

This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely agreeable
to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, "Aha! Jack,
I thought I should bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes:
but suppose you had heard it before, is that any reason why it
shouldn't be told to another person? There's the stranger, belike he
has heard it five hundred times too; han't you, brother? addressing
himself to Mr. Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing
curiosity, "No, never;" he thus went on: "Well, you seem to be an
honest, quiet sort of a man; and therefore you must know, as I said
before, I fell in with a French man-of-war, Cape Finistere bearing
about six leagues on the weather bow, and the chase three leagues
to leeward, going before the wind: whereupon I set my studding sails;
and coming up with her, hoisted my jack and ensign, and poured in
a broadside, before you could count three rattlins in the mizen
shrouds; for I always keep a good look-out, and love to have the
first fire."

"That I'll be sworn," said Hatchway: "for the day we made the
Triumph you ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the
same token we below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls; and I
won a can of punch from the gunner by killing the first bird."

Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, "You
lie, lubber! D-- your bones! what business have you to come always
athwart my hawse in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can
bear witness whether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of
a ----, and that upon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear
of us when I gave orders to fire?"