The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Part II.
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Tobias Smollett >> The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Part II.
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THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM
by Tobias Smollett
COMPLETE IN TWO PARTS
PART II.
With the Author's Preface, and an Introduction by G. H. Maynadier, Ph.D.
Department of English, Harvard University.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER
XXXIX Our Adventurer is made acquainted with a new Scene of Life
XL He contemplates Majesty and its Satellites in Eclipse
XLI One Quarrel is compromised, and another decided by unusual
Arms
XLII An unexpected Rencontre, and a happy Revolution in the
Affairs of our Adventurer
XLIII Fathom justifies the Proverb, "What's bred in the Bone will
never come out of the Flesh"
XLIV Anecdotes of Poverty, and Experiments for the Benefit of
those whom it may concern
XLV Renaldo's Distress deepens, and Fathom's Plot thickens
XLVI Our Adventurer becomes absolute in his Power over the
Passions of his Friend, and effects one half of his Aim
XLVII The Art of Borrowing further explained, and an Account of a
Strange Phenomenon
XLVIII Count Fathom unmasks his Battery; is repulsed; and varies his
Operations without effect
XLIX Monimia's Honour is protected by the Interposition of Heaven
L Fathom shifts the Scene, and appears in a new Character
LI Triumphs over a Medical Rival
LII Repairs to the Metropolis, and enrols himself among the
Sons of Paean
LIII Acquires Employment in consequence of a lucky Miscarriage
LIV His Eclipse, and gradual Declination
LV After divers unsuccessful Efforts, he has recourse to the
Matrimonial Noose
LVI In which his Fortune is effectually strangled
LVII Fathom being safely housed, the Reader is entertained with
a Retrospect
LVIII Renaldo abridges the Proceedings at Law, and approves himself
the Son of his Father
LIX He is the Messenger of Happiness to his Sister, who removes
the film which had long obstructed his Penetration, with
regard to Count Fathom
LX He recompenses the Attachment of his Friend; and receives
a Letter that reduces him to the Verge of Death and
Distraction
LXI Renaldo meets with a living Monument of Justice, and
encounters a Personage of some Note in these Memoirs
LXII His Return to England, and Midnight Pilgrimage to Monimia's
Tomb
LXIII He renews the Rites of Sorrow, and is entranced
LXIV The Mystery unfolded--Another Recognition, which, it is to be
hoped, the Reader could not foresee
LXV A retrospective Link, necessary for the Concatenation of
these Memoirs
LXVI The History draws near a Period
LXVII The Longest and the Last
THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
OUR ADVENTURER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A NEW SCENE OF LIFE.
Just as he entered these mansions of misery, his ears were invaded with a
hoarse and dreadful voice, exclaiming, "You, Bess Beetle, score a couple
of fresh eggs, a pennyworth of butter, and half a pint of mountain to the
king; and stop credit till the bill is paid:--He is now debtor for
fifteen shillings and sixpence, and d--n me if I trust him one farthing
more, if he was the best king in Christendom. And, d'ye hear, send
Ragged-head with five pounds of potatoes for Major Macleaver's supper,
and let him have what drink he wants; the fat widow gentlewoman from
Pimlico has promised to quit his score. Sir Mungo Barebones may have
some hasty pudding and small beer, though I don't expect to see his coin,
no more than to receive the eighteen pence I laid out for a pair of
breeches to his backside--what then? he's a quiet sort of a body, and a
great scholar, and it was a scandal to the place to see him going about
in that naked condition. As for the mad Frenchman with the beard, if you
give him so much as a cheese-paring, you b--ch, I'll send you back to the
hole, among your old companions; an impudent dog! I'll teach him to draw
his sword upon the governor of an English county jail. What! I suppose
he thought he had to do with a French hang-tang-dang, rabbit him! he
shall eat his white feather, before I give him credit for a morsel of
bread."
Although our adventurer was very little disposed, at this juncture, to
make observations foreign to his own affairs, he could not help taking
notice of these extraordinary injunctions; especially those concerning
the person who was entitled king, whom, however, he supposed to be some
prisoner elected as the magistrate by the joint suffrage of his fellows.
Having taken possession of his chamber, which he rented at five shillings
a week, and being ill at ease in his own thoughts, he forthwith secured
his door, undressed, and went to bed, in which, though it was none of the
most elegant or inviting couches, he enjoyed profound repose after the
accumulated fatigues and mortifications of the day. Next morning, after
breakfast, the keeper entered his apartment, and gave him to understand,
that the gentlemen under his care, having heard of the Count's arrival,
had deputed one of their number to wait upon him with the compliments of
condolence suitable to the occasion, and invite him to become a member of
their society. Our hero could not politely dispense with this instance
of civility, and their ambassador being instantly introduced by the name
of Captain Minikin, saluted him with great solemnity.
This was a person equally remarkable for his extraordinary figure and
address; his age seemed to border upon forty, his stature amounted to
five feet, his visage was long, meagre, and weather-beaten, and his
aspect, though not quite rueful, exhibited a certain formality, which was
the result of care and conscious importance. He was very little
encumbered with flesh and blood; yet what body he had was well
proportioned, his limbs were elegantly turned, and by his carriage he was
well entitled to that compliment which we pay to any person when we say
he has very much the air of a gentleman. There was also an evident
singularity in his dress, which, though intended as an improvement,
appeared to be an extravagant exaggeration of the mode, and at once
evinced him an original to the discerning eyes of our adventurer, who
received him with his usual complaisance, and made a very eloquent
acknowledgment of the honour and satisfaction he received from the visit
of the representative, and the hospitality of his constituents. The
captain's peculiarities were not confined to his external appearance; for
his voice resembled the sound of a bassoon, or the aggregate hum of a
whole bee-hive, and his discourse was almost nothing else than a series
of quotations from the English poets, interlarded with French phrases,
which he retained for their significance, on the recommendation of his
friends, being himself unacquainted with that or any other outlandish
tongue.
Fathom, finding this gentleman of a very communicative disposition,
thought he could not have a fairer opportunity of learning the history of
his fellow-prisoners; and, turning the conversation on that subject, was
not disappointed in his expectation. "I don't doubt, sir," said he, with
the utmost solemnity of declamation, "but you look with horror upon every
object that surrounds you in this uncomfortable place; but, nevertheless,
here are some, who, as my friend Shakespeare has it, have seen better
days, and have with holy bell been knolled to church; and sat at good
men's feasts, and wiped their eyes of drops that sacred pity hath
engendered. You must know, sir, that, exclusive of the canaille, or the
profanum vulgus, as they are styled by Horace, there are several small
communities in the jail, consisting of people who are attracted by the
manners and dispositions of each other; for this place, sir, is quite a
microcosm, and as the great world, so is this, a stage, and all the men
and women merely players. For my own part, sir, I have always made it a
maxim to associate with the best of company I can find. Not that I
pretend to boast of my family or extraction; because, you know, as the
poet says, Vix ea nostra voco. My father, 'tis true, was a man that
piqued himself upon his pedigree, as well as upon his politesse and
personal merit; for he had been a very old officer in the army, and I
myself may say I was born with a spontoon in my hand. Sir, I have had
the honour to serve his Majesty these twenty years, and have been bandied
about in the course of duty through all the British plantations, and you
see the recompense of all my service. But this is a disagreeable
subject, and therefore I shall waive it; however, as Butler observes:
My only comfort is, that now
My dubbolt fortune is so low,
That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again and mend.
"And now, to return from this digression, you will perhaps be surprised
to hear that the head or chairman of our club is really a sovereign
prince; no less, I'll assure you, than the celebrated Theodore king of
Corsica, who lies in prison for a debt of a few hundred pounds. Heu!
quantum mutatus ab illo. It is not my business to censure the conduct of
my superiors; but I always speak my mind in a cavalier manner, and as,
according to the Spectator, talking to a friend is no more than thinking
aloud, entre nous, his Corsican majesty has been scurvily treated by a
certain administration. Be that as it will, he is a personage of a very
portly appearance, and is quite master of the bienseance. Besides, they
will find it their interest to have recourse again to his alliance; and
in that case some of us may expect to profit by his restoration. But few
words are best.
"He that maintains the second rank in our assembly is one Major
Macleaver, an Irish gentleman, who has served abroad; a soldier of
fortune, sir, a man of unquestionable honour and courage, but a little
overbearing, in consequence of his knowledge and experience. He is a
person of good address,--to be sure, and quite free of the mauvaise
honte, and he may have seen a good deal of service. But what then? other
people may be as good as he, though they have not had such opportunities;
if he speaks five or six languages, he does not pretend to any taste in
the liberal arts, which are the criterion of an accomplished gentleman.
"The next is Sir Mungo Barebones, the representative of a very ancient
family in the north; his affairs are very much deranged, but he is a
gentleman of great probity and learning, and at present engaged in a very
grand scheme, which, if he can bring it to bear, will render him famous
to all posterity; no less than the conversion of the Jews and the
Gentiles. The project, I own, looks chimerical to one who has not
conversed with the author; but, in my opinion, he has clearly
demonstrated, from an anagrammatical analysis of a certain Hebrew word,
that his present Majesty, whom God preserve, is the person pointed at in
Scripture as the temporal Messiah of the Jews; and, if he could once
raise by subscription such a trifling sum as twelve hundred thousand
pounds, I make no doubt but he would accomplish his aim, vast and
romantic as it seems to be.
"Besides these, we have another messmate, who is a French chevalier, an
odd sort of a man, a kind of Lazarillo de Tormes, a caricatura; he wears
a long beard, pretends to be a great poet, and makes a d---ed fracas with
his verses. The king has been obliged to exert his authority over him
more than once, by ordering him into close confinement, for which he was
so rash as to send his majesty a challenge; but he afterwards made his
submission, and was again taken into favour. The truth is, I believe his
brain is a little disordered, and, he being a stranger, we overlook his
extravagancies.
"Sir, we shall think ourselves happy in your accession to our society.
You will be under no sort of restraint; for, though we dine at one table,
every individual calls and pays for his own mess. Our conversation, such
as it is, will not, I hope, be disagreeable; and though we have not
opportunities of breathing the pure Arcadian air, and cannot, 'under the
shade of melancholy boughs, lose and neglect the creeping hours of time,'
we may enjoy ourselves over a glass of punch or a dish of tea. Nor are
we destitute of friends, who visit us in these shades of distress. The
major has a numerous acquaintance of both sexes; among others, a first
cousin of good fortune, who, with her daughters, often cheer our
solitude; she is a very sensible ladylike gentlewoman, and the young
ladies have a certain degagee air, that plainly shows they have seen the
best company. Besides, I will venture to recommend Mrs. Minikin as a
woman of tolerable breeding and capacity, who, I hope, will not be found
altogether deficient in the accomplishments of the sex. So that we find
means to make little parties, in which the time glides away insensibly.
Then I have a small collection of books which are at your service. You
may amuse yourself with Shakespeare, or Milton, or Don Quixote, or any of
our modern authors that are worth reading, such as the Adventures of
Loveill, Lady Frail, George Edwards, Joe Thompson, Bampfylde Moore Carew,
Young Scarron, and Miss Betsy Thoughtless; and if you have a taste for
drawing, I can entertain you with a parcel of prints by the best
masters."
A man of our hero's politeness could not help expressing himself in the
warmest terms of gratitude for this courteous declaration. He thanked
the captain in particular for his obliging offers, and begged he would be
so good as to present his respects to the society, of which he longed to
be a member. It was determined, therefore, that Minikin should return in
an hour, when the Count would be dressed, in order to conduct him into
the presence of his majesty; and he had already taken his leave for the
present, when all of a sudden he came back, and taking hold of a
waistcoat that lay upon a chair, "Sir," said he, "give me leave to look
at that fringe; I think it is the most elegant knitting I ever saw. But
pray, sir, are not these quite out of fashion? I thought plain silk,
such as this that I wear, had been the mode, with the pockets very low."
Before Fathom had time to make any sort of reply, he took notice of his
hat and pumps; the first of which, he said, was too narrow in the brims,
and the last an inch too low in the heels. Indeed, they formed a
remarkable contrast with his own; for, exclusive of the fashion of the
cock, which resembled the form of a Roman galley, the brim of his hat, if
properly spread, would have projected a shade sufficient to shelter a
whole file of musketeers from the heat of a summer's sun; and the heels
of his shoes were so high as to raise his feet three inches at least from
the surface of the earth.
Having made these observations, for the credit of his taste, he retired,
and returning at the time appointed, accompanied Ferdinand to the
apartment of the king, at the doors of which their ears were invaded with
a strange sound, being that of a human voice imitating the noise of a
drum. The captain, hearing this alarm, made a full stop, and, giving the
Count to understand that his majesty was busy, begged he would not take
it amiss, if the introduction should be delayed for a few moments.
Fathom, curious to know the meaning of what he had heard, applied to his
guide for information, and learned that the king and the major, whom he
had nominated to the post of his general-in-chief, were employed in
landing troops upon the Genoese territory; that is, that they were
settling beforehand the manner of their disembarkation.
He then, by the direction of his conductor, reconnoitred them through the
keyhole, and perceived the sovereign and his minister sitting on opposite
sides of a deal board table, covered with a large chart or map, upon
which he saw a great number of mussel and oyster shells ranged in a
certain order, and, at a little distance, several regular squares and
columns made of cards cut in small pieces. The prince himself, whose
eyes were reinforced by spectacles, surveyed this armament with great
attention, while the general put the whole in action, and conducted their
motions by beat of drum. The mussel-shells, according to Minikin's
explanation, represented the transports, the oyster-shells were
considered as the men-of-war that covered the troops in landing, and the
pieces of card exhibited the different bodies into which the army was
formed upon its disembarkation.
As an affair of such consequence could not be transacted without
opposition, they had provided divers ambuscades, consisting of the enemy,
whom they represented by grey peas; and accordingly General Macleaver,
perceiving the said grey peas marching along shore to attack his forces
before they could be drawn up in battalia, thus addressed himself to the
oyster-shells, in an audible voice:--"You men-of-war, don't you see the
front of the enemy advancing, and the rest of the detachment following
out of sight? Arrah! the devil burn you, why don't you come ashore and
open your batteries?" So saying, he pushed the shells towards the
breach, performed the cannonading with his voice, the grey peas were soon
put in confusion, the general was beat, the cards marched forwards in
order of battle, and the enemy having retreated with great precipitation,
they took possession of their ground without farther difficulty.
CHAPTER FORTY
HE CONTEMPLATES MAJESTY AND ITS SATELLITES IN ECLIPSE.
This expedition being happily finished, General Macleaver put the whole
army, navy, transports, and scene of action into a canvas bag, the prince
unsaddled his nose, and Captain Minikin being admitted, our hero was
introduced in form. Very gracious was the reception he met with from his
majesty, who, with a most princely demeanour, welcomed him to court, and
even seated him on his right hand, in token of particular regard. True
it is, this presence-chamber was not so superb, nor the appearance of the
king so magnificent, as to render such an honour intoxicating to any
person of our hero's coolness and discretion. In lieu of tapestry, the
apartment was hung with halfpenny ballads, a truckle-bed without curtains
supplied the place of a canopy, and instead of a crown his majesty wore a
woollen night-cap. Yet, in spite of these disadvantages, there was an
air of dignity in his deportment, and a nice physiognomist would have
perceived something majestic in the features of his countenance.
He was certainly a personage of very prepossessing mien; his manners were
engaging, his conversation agreeable, and any man whose heart was subject
to the meltings of humanity would have deplored his distress, and looked
upon him as a most pathetic instance of that miserable reverse to which
all human grandeur is exposed. His fall was even greater than that of
Belisarius, who, after having obtained many glorious victories over the
enemies of his country, is said to have been reduced to such extremity of
indigence, that, in his old age, when he was deprived of his eyesight, he
sat upon the highway like a common mendicant, imploring the charity of
passengers in the piteous exclamation of Date obolum Belisario; that is,
"Spare a farthing to your poor old soldier Belisarius." I say, this
general's disgrace was not so remarkable as that of Theodore, because he
was the servant of Justinian, consequently his fortune depended upon the
nod of that emperor; whereas the other actually possessed the throne of
sovereignty by the best of all titles, namely, the unanimous election of
the people over whom he reigned; and attracted the eyes of all Europe, by
the efforts he made in breaking the bands of oppression, and vindicating
that liberty which is the birthright of man.
The English of former days, alike renowned for generosity and valour,
treated those hostile princes, whose fate it was to wear their chains,
with such delicacy of benevolence, as even dispelled the horrors of
captivity; but their posterity of this refined age feel no compunction at
seeing an unfortunate monarch, their former friend, ally, and partisan,
languish amidst the miseries of a loathsome jail, for a paltry debt
contracted in their own service. But, moralising apart, our hero had not
long conversed with this extraordinary debtor, who in his present
condition assumed no other title than that of Baron, than he perceived in
him a spirit of Quixotism, which all his experience, together with the
vicissitudes of his fortune, had not been able to overcome. Not that his
ideas soared to such a pitch of extravagant hope as that which took
possession of his messmates, who frequently quarrelled one with another
about the degrees of favour to which they should be entitled after the
king's restoration; but he firmly believed that affairs would speedily
take such a turn in Italy, as would point out to the English court the
expediency of employing him again; and his persuasion seemed to support
him against every species of poverty and mortification.
While they were busy in trimming the balance of power on the other side
of the Alps, their deliberations were interrupted by the arrival of a
scullion, who came to receive their orders touching the bill of fare for
dinner, and his majesty found much more difficulty in settling this
important concern, than in compromising all the differences between the
Emperor and the Queen of Spain. At length, however, General Macleaver
undertook the office of purveyor for his prince; Captain Minikin insisted
upon treating the Count; and in a little time the table was covered with
a cloth, which, for the sake of my delicate readers, I will not attempt
to describe.
At this period they were joined by Sir Mungo Barebones, who, having found
means to purchase a couple of mutton chops, had cooked a mess of broth,
which he now brought in a saucepan to the general rendezvous. This was
the most remarkable object which had hitherto presented itself to the
eyes of Fathom. Being naturally of a meagre habit, he was, by indigence
and hard study, wore almost to the bone, and so bended towards the earth,
that in walking his body described at least 150 degrees of a circle. The
want of stockings and shoes he supplied with a jockey straight boot and
an half jack. His thighs and middle were cased in a monstrous pair of
brown trunk breeches, which the keeper bought for his use from the
executor of a Dutch seaman who had lately died in the jail. His shirt
retained no signs of its original colour, his body was shrouded in an old
greasy tattered plaid nightgown; a blue and white handkerchief surrounded
his head, and his looks betokened that immense load of care which he had
voluntarily incurred for the eternal salvation of sinners. Yet this
figure, uncouth as it was, made his compliments to our adventurer in
terms of the most elegant address, and, in the course of conversation,
disclosed a great fund of valuable knowledge. He had appeared in the
great world, and borne divers offices of dignity and trust with universal
applause. His courage was undoubted, his morals were unimpeached, and
his person held in great veneration and esteem; when his evil genius
engaged him in the study of Hebrew, and the mysteries of the Jewish
religion, which fairly disordered his brain, and rendered him incapable
of managing his temporal affairs. When he ought to have been employed in
the functions of his post, he was always wrapt in visionary conferences
with Moses on the Mount; rather than regulate the economy of his
household, he chose to exert his endeavours in settling the precise
meaning of the word Elohim; and having discovered that now the period was
come, when the Jews and Gentiles would be converted, he postponed every
other consideration, in order to facilitate that great and glorious
event.
By this time Ferdinand had seen every member of the club, except the
French chevalier, who seemed to be quite neglected by the society; for
his name was not once mentioned during this communication, and they sat
down to dinner, without asking whether he was dead or alive. The king
regaled himself with a plate of ox-cheek; the major, who complained that
his appetite had forsaken him, amused himself with some forty hard eggs,
malaxed with salt butter; the knight indulged upon his soup and bouilli,
and the captain entertained our adventurer with a neck of veal roasted
with potatoes; but before Fathom could make use of his knife and fork, he
was summoned to the door, where he found the chevalier in great
agitation, his eyes sparkling like coals of fire.
Our hero was not a little surprised at this apparition, who, having asked
pardon for the freedom he had used, observed, that, understanding the
Count was a foreigner, he could not dispense with appealing to him
concerning an outrage he had suffered from the keeper, who, without any
regard to his rank or misfortunes, had been base enough to refuse him
credit for a few necessaries, until he could have a remittance from his
steward in France; he therefore conjured Count Fathom, as a stranger and
nobleman like himself, to be the messenger of defiance, which he resolved
to send to that brutal jailor, that, for the future, he might learn to
make proper distinctions in the exercise of his function.
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