Joseph Conrad - "'Twixt Land & Sea"

Miss Leslie - "Seventy Five Receipts for Pastry Cakes, and Sweetmeats"

E. P. Roe - "Taken Alive"

Kathleen Norris - "Sisters"

Soldiers Three

R >> Rudyard Kipling >> Soldiers Three




ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott!

BLAYNE. (_After a long pause, to the room generally._) It's my notion
that we are a set of fools.

MACKESY. Nonsense. _That_ business was knocked on the head last season.
Why, young Mallard--

ANTHONY. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile.
Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did
Gaddy ever talk to any other woman?

CURTISS. There's something in that. It _was_ slightly noticeable now
you come to mention it. But she's at Naini Tal and he's at Simla.

ANTHONY. He had to go to Simla to look after a globetrotter relative
of his--a person with a title. Uncle or aunt.

BLAYNE. And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired
of a woman.

ANTHONY. Except that he mustn't do it till the woman is tired of him.
And the Herriott woman was not that.

CURTISS. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal work wonders.

DOONE. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was
a Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away
and got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down
there. I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all,
one after another, took wives.

CURTISS. That's odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie's
influence would have led them to take other men's wives. It ought to
have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.

ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott will make Gaddy afraid of something more than
the judgment of Providence, I fancy.

BLAYNE. Supposing things are as you say, he'll be a fool to face her.
He'll sit tight at Simla.

ANTHONY. 'Shouldn't be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to
explain. He's an unaccountable sort of man, and she's likely to be a
more than unaccountable woman.

DOONE. What makes you take her character away so confidently?

ANTHONY. _Primum tempus_. Gaddy was her first, and a woman doesn't
allow her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies
the first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is for
ever and ever. Consequently--

BLAYNE. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o'clock, talking
scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it's all your fault. We
were perfectly respectable till you came in. Go to bed. I'm off.
Good-night all.

CURTISS. Past one! It's past two, by Jove, and here's the _khit_ coming
for the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, _five_ rupees
to pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman
is no better than she should be. I'm ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you
slanderous villains, and if I'm sent to Beora to-morrow, be prepared
to hear I'm dead before paying my card account!




THE TENTS OF KEDAR

Only why should it be with pain at all,
Why must I 'twixt the leaves of coronal
Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow?
Why should the other women know so much,
And talk together:--Such the look and such
The smile he used to love with, then as now.
_Any Wife to any Husband_.

SCENE.-_A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery,
and khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem,
less Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers._

MRS. HERRIOTT. (_After conversation has risen to proper pitch._) Ah!
'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (_Sotto voce._) Where
_have_ you been all this while, Pip?

CAPTAIN GADSBY. (_Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and
settling hock glasses._) Good evening. (_Sotto voce._) Not quite so
loud another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (_Aside._)
So much for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal
one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a
respectable, engaged member of society and it's all over between us?

MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday
Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis?
I was looking everywhere.

CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (_Aside_.) It's
for Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.

MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.
I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised
a week before you came up.

CAPT. G. I didn't know--

MRS. H. It really _was_.

CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.

MRS. H. What has upset you to-day? All these days? You haven't been
near me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it _kind_
of you, Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.

CAPT. G. Have you?

MRS. H. You _know_ I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about
it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every
time the twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said:
'That brings me nearer to Pip. _My_ Pip!'

CAPT. G. (_With an uneasy laugh_.) What will Mackler think if you
neglect him so?

MRS. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than
ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.

CAPT. G. No.

MRS. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (_Reaches forward
to bank of flowers for menu-card_.)

MRS. H. (_To partner_.) Oh, thanks. I didn't see.

MRS. H. _Keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds_.

PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (_Hands menu-card_.) (_Turns right again_.)
Is anything in me changed at all?

CAPT. G. For Goodness' sake go on with your dinner! You must eat
something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (_Aside_.) And I
fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man
can make of himself!

MRS. H. (_Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped
carrots and a spoonful of gravy_.) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether
I have done anything.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly
scene somewhere else. If only I'd written to her and stood the
racket--at long range! (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Han! Simpkin do._ (_Aloud_.)
I'll tell you later on.

MRS. H. Tell me _now_. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and
you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. _We_,
of all people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and
don't you like to say so? On my honour--

CAPT. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.

MRS. H. But how d'you know that _I_ haven't?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through
with it. (_Aloud and measuredly_.) Believe me, I do not care how often
or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.

MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that.--Oh, what _is_ the good of squabbling
and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a
time? Pip, don't be a stupid!

_Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right
and continues his dinner_.

CAPT. G. (_In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes_.) Corns--my
worst.

MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll
_never_ do it again.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you
will do before it's all over. (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Thorah ur Simpkin
do_.

MRS. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologise, bad man?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) I mustn't let it drift back _now_. Trust a woman
for being as blind as a bat when she won't see.

MRS. H. I'm waiting: or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?

CAPT. G. (_Desperately_.) By all means dictate.

MRS. H. (_Lightly_.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names
after me and go on: 'Profess my sincere repentance.'

CAPT. G. 'Sincere repentance.'

MRS. H. 'For having behaved--'

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. 'For
having behaved'--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly
and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of
making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and for
ever. (_Aside_.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard--!

MRS. H. (_Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate_.) That's
not a pretty joke.

CAPT. G. No. It's a reality. (_Aside_.) I wonder if smashes of this
kind are always so raw.

MRS. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.

CAPT. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?

MRS. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
fun.

CAPT. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
horse-whipped.

MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.

CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.

MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What _have_ I done?

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If she only wouldn't look at me. (_Aloud and very
slowly, his eyes on his plate_.) D'you remember that evening in July,
before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come
sooner or later--and you wondered for which of us it would come first?

MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there
was breath in your body, it should _never_ come. And I believed you.

CAPT. G. (_Fingering menu-card_) Well, it has. That's all.

_A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the
bread-twist into little pellets:_ G. _stares at the oleanders_.

MRS. H. (_Throwing back her head and laughing naturally_.) They train
us women well, don't they, Pip?

CAPT. G. (_Brutally, touching shirt-stud_.) So far as the expression
goes. (_Aside_.) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll
be an explosion yet.

MRS. H. (_With a shudder_.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow
people to wriggle when they're being tortured, I believe. (_Slips fan
from girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin_.)

PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close to-night, isn't it? 'You find it too much
for you?

MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs,
even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn't they? (_Turns, dropping fan and
raising eyebrows_.)

CAPT. G. It's all right. (_Aside_.) Here comes the storm!

MRS. H. (_Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand_.) It
was very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you
never contented yourself with merely saying a thing--you _swore_ that,
as far as lay in your power, you'd make my wretched life pleasant for
me. And you've denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should
have done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of
this refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (_Fan-guard as before_.)
You have explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't
spoken or written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in
you till the last minute. You haven't condescended to give me your
_reason_ yet. No! A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are
there many _men_ like you in the world?

CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. (_To Khitmatgar_.) Ohe! _Simpkin do_.

MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men of the
world behave like Devils when they do a woman the honour to get tired
of her?

CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud!

MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens! Don't be afraid
of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far too well, and
I've been properly brought up. (_Lowering fan_.) Haven't you _any_
pity, Pip, except for yourself?

CAPT. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm sorry
for you?

MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're growing
very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You
_said_ I was. You've made me what I am. What are you going to do with
me? What are you going to do with me? Won't you _say_ that you are
sorry? (_Helps herself to iced asparagus_.)

CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you want the pity of such a brute as
I am. I'm _awf'ly_ sorry for you.

MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that
admission clears you?

CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself.
You can't think worse than that?

MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all
this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?

CAPT. G. (_Angrily, his eyes still lowered_.) No! The thing has come
to an end on my side. That's all. _Mafisch!_

MRS. H. 'That's all. _Mafisch!_' As though I were a Cairene Dragoman.
You used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember when you said---?

CAPT. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me anything
you like and I'll admit it--

MRS. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could hope
to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night--No, I
wouldn't--I couldn't do it--liar though you are.

CAPT. G. I've spoken the truth.

MRS. H. My _dear_ Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the
reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know yourself. You
have been everything to me, though you are--(_Fan-guard_.) Oh, what
a contemptible _Thing_ it is! And so you are merely tired of me?

CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes.

MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so
ineffectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no
fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you
more than I do. Simply _Mafisch_, is it?

CAPT. G. Yes. (_Aside_.) I think I deserve this.

MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her
name.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.). I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the
business! (_Aloud_.) Is it likely?

MRS. H. _Very_ likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity.
You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.

CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end of this business.

MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous
and _blase_, were you? To come to me and say: 'I've done with you. The
incident is clo-osed.' I ought to be proud of having kept such a man
so long.

CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner.
(_Aloud_.) You know what I think of myself.

MRS. H. As it's the only person in the world you ever _do_ think of,
and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over
and-- Oh, I can't keep you back! And you're going--think of it, Pip--to
throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women
were-- Pip, my Pip! She _can't_ care for you as I do. Believe me, she
can't! Is it any one that I know?

CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (_Aside_.) I expected a cyclone, but
not an earthquake.

MRS. H. She _can't!_ Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you--or
haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you,
knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?

CAPT. G. (_Wiping his mouth to hide a smile_.) _Again?_ It's entirely
a work of charity on your part.

MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.--Is she better-looking
than I? Who was it said--?

CAPT G. No--not that!

MRS. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that all
women are alike?

CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.

MRS. H. _All_ of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon
my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter
who--anybody! But there is always _one_ man that they care for more
than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to.
Oh, _do_ listen! I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a
poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in.
I'll tell you what he said to me.

CAPT. G. Spare him. (_Aside._) I wonder what _his_ version is.

MRS. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner.
Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?

CAPT. G. 'But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?'

MRS. H. Watch! (_Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly
to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction,
a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining
countenance._)

CAPT. G. (_Critically._) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait
till the spoon was out of his mouth?

MRS. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made
of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that?
It's as plain as the noonday sun. You'll be trotted about and told
lies, and made a fool of like the others. _I_ never made a fool of
you, did I?

CAPT. G. (_Aside._) What a clever little woman it is!

MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?

CAPT. G. I feel better.

MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I
couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken
the truth.

CAPT. G. It doesn't alter the situation.

MRS. H. (_Passionately._) Then she _has_ said that she cares for you!
Don't believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me!

CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking
at you.

MRS. H. He! I _hate_ him. He introduced you to me.

CAPT. G. (_Aside._) And some people would like women to assist in
making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (_Aloud._) Well,
you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in common
politeness, refuse the offer.

MRS. H. In common politeness! We have got beyond _that!_

CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Old ground means fresh trouble, (_Aloud._) On my
honour--

MRS. H. Your _what?_ Ha, ha!

CAPT. G. Dishonour, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to--

MRS. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She _won't_ care for you,
and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself,
you'll fine me occupied with--

CAPT. G. (_Insolently._) You couldn't while I am alive. (_Aside._) If
that doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.

MRS. H. (_Drawing herself up_). Couldn't do it? _I?_ (_Softening._)
You're right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a
coward and a liar in grain.

CAPT. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with
demonstrations.

MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing _ever_ touch you in this life?
There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of---But you
will have it all to yourself.

CAPT. G. (_Under his eyebrows._) Are you so certain of that?

MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.

CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment
ago? (_Aside._) Oh, I _am_ a brute!

MRS. H. (_Fiercely._) Will _that_ console me for knowing that you will
go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same
pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh
over my story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--
even for me?--And it's all useless. That's another punishment.

CAPT. G. (_Feebly._) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.

MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters
your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and
no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without
knowing that?

CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I
should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.

MRS. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared
it was all in fun (_a long pause_), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All
I ask is, don't tell her my name. _Please_ don't. A man might forget:
a woman never would. (_Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to
collect eyes._) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine-- Haven't
I behaved beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed
it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't
I? (_Arranging gloves and fan._) I only pray that she'll know you some
day as I know you now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your
conceit will be hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've
brought on me. I hope-- No. I don't. I _can't_ give you up! I must
have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all
over, come back to me, come back to me, and you'll find that you're
my Pip still!

CAPT. G. (_Very clearly._) 'False move, and you pay for it. It's a
girl!

MRS. H. (_Rising._) Then it _was_ true! They said--but I wouldn't
insult you by asking. A girl! _I_ was a girl not very long ago. Be
good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in you.

_Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door,
and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves._

CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will
He kindly tell me what I have done? (_Reaching out for the claret, and
half aloud._) What _have_ I done?




WITH ANY AMAZEMENT

And are not afraid with any amazement.
--_Marriage service_.

SCENE.-_A bachelor's bedroom--toilet-table arranged with unnatural
neatness_. CAPTAIN GADSBY _asleep and snoring heavily. Time_, 10.30
A. M.--_a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately_ CAPTAIN
MAFFLIM of GADSBY'S regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head
murmuring 'Poor Gaddy.' Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes
on chair-back_.

CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (_Roars_.)

'Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men!
It is our opening day!
It is our opening da-ay!'

Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever
so long; and I'm here!

CAPT. G. (_Sitting up and yawning_.) 'Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of
you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. 'Don't know what I should
do without you. On my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night.

CAPT. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you
then, and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.

CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes,
you'd better go away. (With _portentous gravity_.) It's the happiest
day in my life.

CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're
going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But
be calm. I am with you. 'Shun! _Dress_!

CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?

CAPT. M. DO you suppose that you are your own master for the next
twelve hours? If you _do_, of course--- (_Makes for the door_.)

CAPT. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see
me through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and
can't remember a line of it.

CAPT. M. (_Overhauling_ G's _uniform_.) Go and tub. Don't bother me.
I'll give you ten minutes to dress in.

_Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room_.

CAPT. G. (_Emerging from dressing-room_.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.

CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going
to spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.

CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) So early! (_Aloud_.) Captain Gadsby, I _order_ you
to eat breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal
airs and graces with me!

Leads G. _downstairs, and stands over him while he eats two chops_.

CAPT. G. (_Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five
minutes_.) What time is it?

CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.

CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't _now_. (_Takes
cheroot which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose
luxuriously_.) We aren't going down the Mall, are we?

CAPT. M. (_Aside_.) They're all alike in these stages. (_Aloud_.) No,
my Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.

CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her?

CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along, and, if you want me for the final
obsequies, don't cut my eye out with your stick.

CAPT. G. (_Spinning round_.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature
that ever walked? What's the time? What comes after 'wilt thou take
this woman'?

CAPT. M, You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my
right-hand little ringer, and just be careful how you draw it off,
because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.

CAPT. G. (_Walking forward hastily_.) D---the Verger! Come along! It's
past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning
round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal
too good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or
how?

CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your
remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop
passaging about like that!

CAPT. G. (_Halting in the middle of the road_.) I say, Jack.

CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic;
and _walk!_

_The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes_.

CAPT. G. What's the time? How about that cursed wedding-cake and the
slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?

CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.

CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand
it, and I won't!

CAPT. M. (_Untroubled_.) So-ooo, old horse! You'll have to sleep for
a couple of hours this afternoon.

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