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My Life, Volume I

R >> Richard Wagner >> My Life, Volume I




I wrote a short preface dedicating this poem to my friends as a
relic of the time when I had hoped to devote myself entirely to
art, and especially to the composition of music. I sent this
manuscript to Herr Wigand in Leipzig, who returned it to me after
some time with the remark, that if I insisted on its being
printed in Latin characters he would not be able to sell a single
copy of it. Later on I discovered that he deliberately refused to
pay me the ten louis d'or due to me for Das Kunstwerk der
Zukunft, which I had directed him to send to my wife.
Disappointing as all this was, I was nevertheless unable to
engage in any further work, as only a few days after Karl's
arrival the realities of life made themselves felt in an
unexpected manner, most upsetting to my tranquillity of mind. I
received a wildly excited letter from Mme. Laussot to tell me
that she had not been able to resist telling her mother of her
intentions, that in so doing she had immediately aroused the
suspicion that I was to blame, and in consequence of this her
disclosure had been communicated to M. Laussot, who vowed he
would search everywhere for me in order to put a bullet through
my body. The situation was clear enough, and I decided to go to
Bordeaux immediately in order to come to an understanding with my
opponent I at once wrote fully to M. Eugene, endeavouring to make
him see matters in their true light, but at the same time
declared myself incapable of understanding how a man could bring
himself to keep a woman with him by force, when she no longer
wished to remain. I ended by informing him that I should reach
Bordeaux at, the same time as my letter, and immediately upon my
arrival there would let him know at what hotel to find me; also
that I would not tell his wife of the step I was taking, and that
he could consequently act without restraint. I did not conceal
from him, what indeed was the fact, that I was undertaking this
journey under great difficulties, as under the circumstances I
considered it impossible to wait to have my passport endorsed by
the French envoy. At the same time I wrote a few lines to Mme.
Laussot, exhorting her to be calm and self-possessed, but, true
to my purpose, refrained from even hinting at any movement on my
part. (When, years afterwards, I told Liszt this story, he
declared I had acted very stupidly in not, telling Mme. Laussot
of my intentions.) I took leave of Karl the same day, in order to
set out next morning from Geneva on my tedious journey across
France. But I was so exhausted by all this that I could not help
thinking I was going to die. That same night I wrote to Frau
Ritter in Dresden, to this effect, giving her a short account of
the incredible difficulties I had been drawn into. As a matter of
fact, I suffered great inconvenience at the French frontier on
account of my passport; I was made to give my exact place of
destination, and it was only upon my assuring them that pressing
family affairs required my immediate presence, that the
authorities showed exceptional leniency and allowed me to
proceed.

I travelled by Lyons through Auvergne by stage-coach for three
days and two nights, till at length I reached Bordeaux. It was
the middle of May, and as I surveyed the town from a height at
early dawn I saw it lit up by a fire that had broken out. I
alighted at the Hotel Quatre Soeurs, and at once sent a note to
M. Laussot, informing him that I held myself at his disposal and
would remain in all day to receive him. It was nine o'clock in
the morning when I sent him this message. I waited in vain for an
answer, till at last, late in the afternoon, I received a summons
from the police-station to present myself immediately. There I
was first of all asked whether my passport was in order. I
acknowledged the difficulty I found myself in with regard to it,
and explained that family matters had necessitated my placing
myself in this position.

I was thereupon informed that precisely this family matter, which
had no doubt brought me there, was the cause of their having to
deny me the permission to remain in Bordeaux any longer. In
answer to my question, they did not conceal the fact that these
proceedings against me were being carried out at the express wish
of the family concerned. This extraordinary revelation
immediately restored my good-humour. I asked the police inspector
whether, after such a trying journey, I might not be allowed a
couple of days' rest before returning; this request he readily
granted, and told me that in any case there could be no chance of
my meeting the family in question, as they had left Bordeaux at
mid-day. I used these two days to recover from my fatigue, and
also wrote a letter to Jessie, in which I told her exactly what
had taken place, without concealing my contempt at the behaviour
of her husband, who could expose his wife's honour by a
denunciation to the police. I also added that our friendship
could certainly not continue until she had released herself from
so humiliating a position. The next thing was to get this letter
safely delivered. The information furnished me by the police
officials was not sufficient to enlighten me as to what had
exactly taken place in the Laussot family, whether they had left
home for some length of time or merely for a day, so I simply
made up my mind to go to their house. I rang the bell and the
door sprang open; without meeting any one I walked up to the
first-floor flat, the door of which stood open, and went from
room to room till I reached Jessie's boudoir, where I placed my
letter in her work-basket and returned the way I had come. I
received no reply, and set out upon my return journey as soon as
the term of rest granted me had expired. The fine May weather had
a cheering effect upon me, and the clear water, as well as the
agreeable name of the Dordogne, along whose banks the post-chaise
travelled for some distance, gave me great pleasure.

I was also entertained by the conversation of two fellow-
travellers, a priest and an officer, about the necessity of
putting an end to the French Republic. The priest showed himself
much more humane and broad-minded than his military interlocutor,
who could only repeat the one refrain, 'Il faut en finir.' I now
had a look at Lyons, and in a walk round the town tried to recall
the scenes in Lamartine's Histoire des Girondins, where he so
vividly describes the siege and surrender of the town during the
period of the Convention Nationale. At last I arrived at Geneva,
and returned to the Byron hotel, where Karl Hitter was awaiting
me. During my absence he had heard from his family, who wrote
very kindly concerning me. His mother had at once reassured him
as to my condition, and pointed out that with people suffering
from nervous disorders the idea of approaching death was a
frequent symptom, and that there was consequently no occasion to
feel anxious about me. She also announced her intention of coming
to visit us in Villeneuve with her daughter Emilie in a few days'
time. This news made me take heart again; this devoted family, so
solicitous for my welfare, seemed sent by Providence to lead me,
as I so longed to be led, to a new life. Both ladies arrived in
time to celebrate my thirty-seventh birthday on the twenty-second
of May. The mother, Frau Julie, particularly made a deep
impression upon me. I had only met her once before in Dresden,
when Karl had invited me to be present at the performance of a
quartette of his own composition, given at his mother's house. On
this occasion the respect and devotion shown me by each member of
the family had delighted me. The mother had hardly spoken to me,
but when I was leaving she was moved to tears as she thanked me
for my visit. I was unable to understand her emotion at the time,
but now when I reminded her of it she was surprised, and
explained that she had felt so touched at my unexpected kindness
to her son.

She and her daughter remained with us about a week. We sought
diversion in excursions to the beautiful Valais, but did not
succeed in dispelling Frau Hitter's sadness of heart, caused by
the knowledge of recent events of which she had now been
informed, as well as by her anxiety at the course my life was
taking. As I afterwards learned, it had cost the nervous,
delicate woman a great effort to undertake this journey, and when
I urged her to leave her house to come and settle in Switzerland
with her family, so that we might all be united, she at last
pointed out to me that in proposing what seemed to her such an
eccentric undertaking, I was counting upon a strength and energy
she no longer possessed. For the present she commended her son,
whom she wished to leave with me, to my care, and gave me the
necessary means to keep us both for the time being. Regarding the
state of her fortune, she told me that her income was limited,
and now that it was impossible to accept any help from the
Laussots, she did not know how she would be able to come to my
assistance sufficiently to assure my independence. Deeply moved,
we took leave of this venerable woman at the end of a week, and
she returned to Dresden with her daughter, and I never saw her
again.

Still bent upon discovering a means of disappearing from the
world, I thought of choosing a wild mountain spot where I could
retire with Karl. For this purpose we sought the lonely Visper
Thal in the canton Valais, and not without difficulty made our
way along the impracticable roads to Zermatt. There, at the foot
of the colossal and beautiful Matterhorn, we could indeed
consider ourselves cut off from the outer world. I tried to make
things as comfortable as I could in this primitive wilderness,
but discovered only too soon that Karl could not reconcile
himself to his surroundings. Even on the second day he owned that
he thought it horrid, and suggested that it would be more
pleasant in the neighbourhood of one of the lakes. We studied the
map of Switzerland, and chose Thun for our next destination.
Unfortunately I again found myself reduced to a state of extreme
nervous fatigue, in which the slightest effort produced a profuse
and weakening perspiration. Only by the greatest strength of will
was I able to make my way out of the valley; but at last we
reached Thun, and with renewed courage engaged a couple of modest
but cheerful rooms looking out on to the road, and proposed to
wait and see how we should like it. In spite of the reserve which
still betrayed his shyness of character, I found conversation
with my young friend always pleasant and enlivening. I now
realised the pitch of fluent and overflowing vivacity to which
the young man could attain, particularly at night before retiring
to rest, when he would squat down beside my bed, and in the
agreeable, pure dialect of the German Baltic provinces, give free
expression to whatever had excited his interest. I was
exceedingly cheered during these days by the perusal of the
Odyssey, which I had not read for so long and which had fallen
into my hands by chance. Homer's long-suffering hero, always
homesick yet condemned to perpetual wandering, and always
valiantly overcoming all difficulties, was strangely sympathetic
to me. Suddenly the peaceful state I had scarcely yet entered
upon was disturbed by a letter which Karl received from Mme.
Laussot. He did not know whether he ought to show it to me, as he
thought Jessie had gone mad. I tore it out of his hand, and found
she had written to say that she felt obliged to let my friend
know that she had been sufficiently enlightened about me to make
her drop my acquaintance entirely. I afterwards discovered,
chiefly through the help of Frau Ritter, that in consequence of
my letter and my arrival in Bordeaux, M. Laussot, together with
Mrs. Taylor, had immediately taken Jessie to the country,
intending to remain there until the news was received of my
departure, to accelerate which he had applied to the police
authorities. While they were away, and without telling her of my
letter and my journey, they had obtained a promise from the young
woman to remain quiet for a year, give up her visit to Dresden,
and, above all, to drop all correspondence with me; since, under
these conditions, she was promised her entire freedom at the end
of that time, she had thought it better to give her word. Not
content with this, however, the two conspirators had immediately
set about calumniating me on all sides, and finally to Mme.
Laussot herself, saying that I was the initiator of this plan of
elopement. Mrs. Taylor had written to my wife complaining of my
intention to commit adultery, at the same time expressing her
pity for her and offering her support; the unfortunate Minna, who
now thought she had found a hitherto unsuspected reason for my
resolve to remain separated from her, wrote back complaining of
me to Mrs. Taylor. The meaning of an innocent remark I had once
made had been strangely misinterpreted, and matters wore now
aggravated by making it appear as though I had intentionally
lied. In the course of playful conversation Jessie had once told
me that she belonged to no recognised form of religion, her
father Having teen a member of a certain sect which did not
baptise either according to the Protestant or the Roman Catholic
ritual; whereupon I had comforted her by assuring her that I had
come in contact with much more questionable sects, as shortly
after my marriage in Konigsberg I had learned that it had been
solemnised by a hypocrite. God alone knows in what form this had
been repeated to the worthy British matron, but, at all events,
she told my wife that I had said I was 'not legally married to
her.' In any case, my wife's answer to this had no doubt
furnished further material with which to poison Jessie's mind
against me, and this letter to my young friend was the result. I
must admit that, seen by this light, the circumstance at which I
felt most indignant was the way my wife had been treated, and
while I was perfectly indifferent as to what the rest of the
party thought of me, I immediately accepted Karl's offer to go to
Zurich and see her, so as to give her the explanation necessary
to her peace of mind. While awaiting his return, I received a
letter from Liszt, telling me of the deep impression made upon
him by my Lohengrin score, which had caused him to make up his
mind as to the future in store for me. He at the same time
announced that, as I had given him the permission to do so, he
intended doing all in his power to bring about the production of
my opera at the forthcoming Herder festival in Weimar. About this
time I also heard from Frau Ritter, who, in consequence of events
of which she was well aware, thought herself called upon to beg
me not to take the matter too much to heart. At this moment Karl
also returned from Zurich, and spoke with great warmth of my
wife's attitude. Not having found me in Paris, she had pulled
herself together with remarkable energy, and in pursuance of an
earlier wish of mine, had rented a house on the lake of Zurich,
installed herself comfortably, and remained there in the hope of
at last hearing from me again. Besides this, he had much to tell
me of Sulzer's good sense and friendliness, the latter having
stood by, my wife and shown her great sympathy. In the midst of
his narrative Karl suddenly exclaimed, 'Ah! these could be
called sensible people; but with such a mad Englishwoman nothing
could be done.' To all this I said not a word, but finally with a
smile asked him whether he would like to go over to Zurich? He
sprang up exclaiming, 'Yes, and as soon as possible.' 'You shall
have your way,' said I; 'let us pack. I can see no sense in
anything either here or there.' Without breathing another
syllable about all that had happened, we left the next day for
Zurich.

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