The Triple Marriage
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N. Destouches, translated by Frank J. Morlock >> The Triple Marriage
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THE TRIPLE MARRIAGE
BY
DESTOUCHES
Translated and Adapted
By Frank J. Morlock
C 1982
CHARACTERS:
Mr. Matthews, an old man
Elizabeth, his daughter
Walter, his son
Mr. Manly, Elizabeth's husband
Anna, Elizabeth's maid
The Countess
Polly, Walter's wife
Sophie, Matthew's wife
Trim, Walter's valet
Jeremy, Manly's valet
Belinda, a little girl about ten years of age
Mr. Nugent
A troop of dancers
Scene: A room in Matthews' house.
Matthews
No, I cannot be perfectly happy. I had a wife and she died. Out of
decency, I mourned her. Secretly, I rejoiced to be delivered from a
tyrant who controlled my slightest breath and wanted to rule my
inclinations after twenty years of marriage. I thought her death would
leave me free.-- Now, I am a slave to my children, who force me to go
against my own wishes, and to preserve decency, without which I dare
not proceed. I have to be careful my affairs are not noised about all
over town. I have a son who is bigger than I am: what a mortification
for a father who doesn't wish to renounce the world! I have a sweet
and pretty daughter--who doesn't want to be a nun. So, to preserve
decency, I have to marry her off. What an aggravating necessity for a
father who loves his own comfort more than his daughter! What role
should I play?-- For the time being better keep them amused, so as to
have time to arrange matters in the way I wish.
(Enter Anna.)
Anna
What's going on, sir? I've just seen I don't know how many men down
there getting drunk. What guzzlers! They've already emptied more than
thirty bottles, and they complain they are dying of thirst. Who are
they?
Matthews
They're dancers and musicians.
Anna
They drink like marines.
Matthews
Well, aren't they doing their job?
Anna
Only when they drink at somebody else's expense. I ought to watch
them. But, sir, if you please, why have you brought this bacchanalia
into your home? Are you giving a ball tonight?
Matthews
Yes, child, I intend to give a kind of ball tonight, or rather a
little concert mixed with dancing. That's what I brought these
musicians and dancers for.
Anna
Better take away the drink then, for if they continue as they've
begun, you will have to carry them home.
Matthews
Never mind, don't worry about it--the more they drink, the better they
sound.
Anna
Well done! And how were you able to bring yourself to have such a
party--you, a sworn enemy to such diversions?
Matthews
I have reasons for it which everyone will learn before long. Besides,
as my daughter is a little bored, I thought a little diversion like
this would cheer her up.
Anna
It's true that music and dancing are pleasant, but I don't think this
is exactly what your daughter needs to get her health back.
Matthews
Oh, I see where you're coming from. You mean she needs a husband!
Anna
Without a doubt. A husband is a sort of prescription medicine for a
languishing daughter.
Matthews
I know my daughter: she's very virtuous.
Anna
Does it mean you can't want a husband because you're virtuous? On the
contrary, it's her virtue which makes an honest girl want a husband.
Those who are not so scrupulous have an easier time of it. I am going
to prove that to you.
Matthews
I don't need your proofs.
Anna
Suppose, for example, you had walked a long, hot road in the summer
heat.
Matthews
Well?
Anna
And that you were expressly forbidden to drink until you arrived at a
resting place where they were waiting for you with agreeable
refreshments.
Matthews
What an idea!
Anna
If you weren't forbidden, wouldn't you stop at an inn on the way? You
wouldn't be in such a hurry to get there if you hadn't scrupulously
observed the rule against drinking.
Matthews
I'll agree to that.
Anna
That's the exact picture of a young, emancipated woman. Elizabeth, on
the other hand, is a traveler who observes the rules with such a
scrupulous exactitude that she's reduced to the last extremity. Sir,
remember, one cannot always withstand thirst, so it's unwise to put a
young girl in the need of refreshing herself along the way by
extending the journey.
Matthews
You're wasting your breath, I don't believe that eagerness to get it
has caused Elizabeth's sickness.
Anna
Now, the doctors have lost their Latin for it, or rather, it's a
miracle that despite their remedies she's still alive in such a
perilous state.-- I am not going to stop! She sighs night and day; she
cries often; she falls in a languor--in a prostration which makes one
fear for her life. Damn, sir, I know what I'm talking about. These are
symptoms of an illness caused by love.
Matthews
You think she has some inclination in her heart?
Anna
I have not a doubt of it.
Matthews
Come on, come on, that cannot be. I am sure she herself doesn't know
what an inclination is.
Anna
Ignorant at twenty-five in an age when girls are so precocious!
Really, you cannot be so blind.
Matthews
I forbid you to say a word of this to her. You'll make her have ideas
she doesn't have.
Anna
Oh, I wager she has an imagination more vivid than mine.
Matthews
I am going to plan this evening's party.
(Exit Matthews.)
Anna
Useless for him to dissemble; my speech exposed him, but I dare not
yet hope--
(Enter Elizabeth.)
Elizabeth
Has my father gone? What did you tell him?
Anna
We spoke about your illness. We both rejoiced over your improvement.
Elizabeth
That was all?
Anna
You want to know if he spoke about your getting married?
Elizabeth
Shouldn't I think of it?
Anna
True, you're still a girl--and when one remains a virgin so long, one
runs the risk of remaining one forever. I've offered your father some
pretty thoughts on the matter.
Elizabeth
Did he seem to you more favorably disposed to my wishes?
Anna
Not at all. He believes you're still a child, and that you can no more
think of marriage than your sister Belinda.
Elizabeth
My mother warned me that if she died first, I would run the risk of
not being married for a long time.
Anna
We indeed see the fulfillment of her prophecy. Death--miss! We must
make an effort.
Elizabeth
What do you think I should do?
Anna
Tell your father how you feel. Tell him outright that he is stupidly
deceived in the opinion he has of you--and that you're too much of a
woman to remain a virgin much longer.
Elizabeth
I would never have the courage to tell him such a thing.
Anna
Then you must have the courage NOT to marry, and to wait patiently for
the old man to die.
Elizabeth
I've made up my mind about that.
Anna
You could do something to help yourself, but you will never have the
courage to do it.
Elizabeth
What could I do?
Anna
Cast your spell over some honest man, agree together, and marry
secretly.
Elizabeth
You give me advice like that?
Anna
My word, Miss, one has to help save your life. When a father pays no
attention to your needs--it is permitted to take care of oneself, if
one can do it honorably. Don't waste your time pretending, I am sure
you love Manly.
Elizabeth
I would have a lot to tell you if I were sure of your discretion.
Anna
I'm a woman, but I can keep a secret. And, if you doubt it, I don't
want to know anything.
Elizabeth
After all the proofs you've given me of your affection, I am sure you
wouldn't want me to be lost--and lost I will be, if you tell anyone
what I am about to confide in you.
Anna
I swear to you that your interests are more dear to me than my own.
Elizabeth
First of all, I swear to you that I love Manly with all my heart.
Anna
I never doubted that for a minute.
Elizabeth
And, I have promised to love him all my life.
Anna
You shouldn't make such a promise; a girl should never pin herself
down like that.
Elizabeth (puzzled)
Why?
Anna
Because a hundred to one, she will be unable to keep her word.
Elizabeth
I will keep mine with Manly.
Anna (maliciously)
You don't intend to marry him then?
Elizabeth
To the contrary, I've promised never to marry anyone else.
Anna
My word, Miss, love and marriage have been divorced for a long time
and have sworn never to live together. I hold their oaths are more
likely to be kept than yours.
Elizabeth
Stop joking; Manly and I have found a way to keep in touch.
Anna
I wish it. Is that all you have to tell me?
Elizabeth
I tremble to tell you the rest.
Anna
Oh! Oh! I'm afraid you've quenched your thirst en route.
Elizabeth
What do you meant by that?
Anna
You know what I mean by it.-- Continue!
Elizabeth
As Manly is my equal in birth, and besides has a considerable fortune,
we agreed that one of his friends should go to my father without
naming Manly as the person in question, to find out if my father would
be willing to give me in marriage to a person who is perfectly suited
to me.
Anna
Good.
Elizabeth
I cannot tell you how coldly he was received. In a word, my father
absolutely refused everybody who was named.
Anna
Death! There's a father who deserves a daughter who will marry
herself.
Elizabeth
Would you do such a thing?
Anna
Me? Ten times!
Elizabeth
Well, my poor Anna, I have already taken your advice. We've already
secretly married-- My aunt witnessed it at her house, where I am able
to meet Manly. Unfortunately, my happiness won't last long. My father
is alarmed at the frequent visits I make to my aunt. He has ordered me
not to go there and has forbidden Manly to come here. I am in despair
and my fret has throne me into a sickness I think I'll die of.
Anna
I am delighted to know all this-- And I want to help you-- But what do
I see?
(Enter Manly and Jeremy dressed as dancers.)
Jeremy
Come, sir, courage, we must kiss the hands of those two young ladies.
Manly
Shut up, you rogue, and think of showing some respect.
Jeremy
My word, I'm a little drunk. Drinking and respectfulness do not keep
the same company.
Manly
I fear this bibbler will ruin my plans. What a misfortune to have need
of you.
Elizabeth
Anna, who are these people?
Anna
They are two of the dancers your father has brought. They are dressed
to amuse, apparently.
Jeremy
Yes, my ladies, we come to give you a little moment of sport.
Anna
I know that mug!
Jeremy
Mug! Oh! Mug yourself!
Manly (to Jeremy)
Will you shut up?
Elizabeth
What do I hear? It's Manly's voice-- It's Manly that I see. Ah,
Heaven!
Manly
Don't be frightened, Elizabeth. Yes, it is Manly who presents himself
to you, and who cuts through insurmountable obstacles to obtain the
pleasure of seeing you.
Elizabeth
You couldn't surprise me more agreeably. My joy is so great that I can
hardly speak. But my happiness is cruelly crossed by the fact that my
father will discover you.
Manly
I beg you not to worry; this disguise hides me from his eyes so
effectively that he has no idea I am here--besides, he's seen me too
infrequently to spot me in this get-up.
Elizabeth
And how did you get in?
Manly
I sent the dancers and musicians to your home and paid them some money
to introduce me as one of their comrades. I thought it was wise that
Jeremy play a role, too. Jeremy doesn't dance badly, and I only do
passably well--and we ought to appear indistinguishable in the little
divertissement that is being prepared.
Anna
And, how can Jeremy help you? He is so drunk that he doesn't know
what's going on.
Jeremy
Don't worry, I'm never better than when I'm drunk. On my oath, I was
born to be a musician.
Anna
It would seem so. You're well adapted to your part.
Elizabeth
This man will infallibly give you away.
Jeremy
Eh! What a thing to say! Don't I know that your father is a brute who
refuses to see my master--and that my master has a passion that forces
him to see you despite your father. Therefore, for that reason, it
follows--that my master must see you without your father seeing him.
And me, like a discreet confidant,--it follows that I must see you
both while seeing nothing. Go, children, profit by the opportunity.
Two make a party. Have a nice time together while I amuse myself with
this hussy.
Elizabeth
Your valet makes me terribly nervous.
Manly
Rogue! If you give me away, I will give you a hell of a beating when
we are outside-- I cannot live without seeing you, my dear Elizabeth.
Jeremy
Nor I, without kissing you, my dear Anna.
Manly
I will enjoy the happiness heaven grants me now, knowing the perfect
felicity will be followed by a long period of sighing. But don't make
me worry for your life, that is the bounty that I beg on my knees.
Elizabeth
Yes, I promise you, I'll be all right. Manly, get up--if you are
caught in that position all will be lost.
Manly
No--I won't get up until you swear to me.
Anna
Peace! I hear someone.
(Enter Belinda, about ten years old.)
Belinda
Ah, ah, my sister, I caught you at it. A man at your feet. It's very
cute--really, ha, ha, ha.
Elizabeth
Oh, I am in despair. She will tell everything to my father.
Jeremy
Plague on the little critter.
Anna
What do you want here, Miss?
Belinda
You don't think of me. You each have one of your own, but you leave me
without one.
Elizabeth
What are you getting at, little scatterbrain?
Belinda
Hey, yes, yes, little scatterbrain. This gentleman here didn't whisper
sweet nothings in your ear--and this one didn't kiss Anna? Mere
tricks!
Jeremy
What do you want, little girl? If I understand you, I will give you a
spanking.
Belinda
A spanking. Ah, ah--listen.
Jeremy
Yes, a spanking. Come one, bring me a switch right away.
Belinda
Look at this drunk who wants to give me a whipping.
Jeremy
Drunk! This little minx is too smart to live.
Anna
Listen, little girl! Don't go telling stupid stories. It's your father
himself who invited these gentlemen.
Belinda
I am well aware he invited them. But to dance, not make love.
Elizabeth
What? You have the impudence--
Belinda
Come on, come on. I already know about THINGS. To be languorous, to
throw himself at your feet, to kiss your hands tenderly, to cast dying
looks--they call that making love--and I know perfectly well.
Manly
This little creature is very dangerous!
Belinda
I also caught my father doing the same thing this morning.
Anna
Your father?
Belinda
Yes, indeed. He was decked out like a young man. I didn't say anything
to him about it, but I watched him carefully.-- When I'm big, I will
remind him of it if he should try to prevent me from taking a lover.
Anna
Here's the most naughty little pest I've ever known.
Belinda
You're really irritated, aren't you, at what I've found out--for I can
make you furious and revenge myself on my sister who treats me like a
child, and who wants to be married before me.
Elizabeth
Well, you can get married first. Don't say anything.
Belinda
Good! I will marry first. You have the patience to wait till then?
Come, come, sister, marry this gentleman quickly--then they will soon
give me a chance to choose one for myself.
Elizabeth
Didn't I tell you that this gentleman is a dancer, and that I don't
find him attractive?
Belinda
Hey, yes! A dancer! What a dancer!
Anna
Certainly.
Belinda
It's no use for him to hide behind his mask.
Elizabeth
Go on, you're crazy.
Belinda
Hey, no. I didn't see him down there drinking with the musicians; I
didn't listen to him when he wasn't aware of it. He told them he'd
give them plenty of money if they would pretend he was one of them--
that he would be so upset, so upset, if my father saw him. Oh, if he's
so afraid of my father, then he must be your lover--for my father
doesn't want you to have any lovers. He's very wrong, because I think
this is very amusing.
Elizabeth
How miserable I am!
Belinda
Go, go, fear nothing, sister, put your affairs in repose. I will
prevent papa from coming here when he gets back--but, on the condition
that you will help me when I get big.
Elizabeth
I swear it.
Anna
Me, too.
(Exit Belinda.)
Anna
That little girl promises much. A ten year old to discover a secret
intrigue!
Elizabeth
I swear to you that I'm terribly nervous and I believe that although
you just got here, it would be better for you to leave.
Anna
And I, for one, think it isn't necessary. Count on Belinda saying
nothing. Wait till she gets married. What a talent for pacifying a
jealous husband. The man will be lost--for husbands in this country
are the nicest in the world and it doesn't take much skill to trap
them.
Elizabeth
Anna, really!--it would be better if you kept your mind on how to help
us, instead of giving vent to such silly ideas!
Anna
As you like. I am going to tell that precocious little girl not to say
a word to your father.
Elizabeth
I will be very much obliged to you.
Anna
On my word, here he is himself.
Elizabeth
Oh, we are discovered.
Jeremy
Watch yourselves carefully.
(Enter Mr. Matthews.)
Matthews
Good day, my dear, how are you feeling?
Elizabeth
Not very ill today, papa.
Anna
I wager it was Miss Belinda who sent you here.
Matthews
Oh no, she didn't want me to come. She told me Elizabeth had left with
you to take a walk in the Park.
Anna
That is what we spoke of doing in front of her, but Miss Elizabeth
changed her mind because she is a little indisposed--and because she
really loves dancing. I brought these gentlemen here while waiting for
your little show.
Matthews
You did very well.
Anna
They are dressed to play a very exciting part.
Matthews
They both look good.
Jeremy
Sir, in all modesty, we are very light on our feet. (falling drunkenly
on Matthews)
Matthews
Not so light, it would seem.
Anna
They are so drunk, both of them, that they haven't the strength to
dance two steps. I told you exactly what would happen.
Jeremy
Frankly, Mr. Matthews, you really have the finest wine to be had in
London, and if I weren't as sober as I am, I would be of half a mind
to take good care of it.
Matthews
It seems to me, you haven't been too thrifty with it.
Jeremy
The better to amuse you. Wine gives me a strength, a suppleness. Would
you like to dance a little entrée with me, Mr. Matthews?
Matthews
No, no, my boy, you will do better to go sleep and wait till
everybody's come.
Jeremy
You are a man of good counsel. Agreed! To sleep.
Matthews
I believe this one is not so drunk as the other fellow, because he
doesn't say a word.
Jeremy
He doesn't think the less. My master has a sad mind.
Matthews
What--his master?
Jeremy
Hey, yes, sure! I am only his assistant. Wait till you see him. He's
the best fellow in the world, and if you wish he will demonstrate with
your daughter.
Matthews
Do you feel like trying it with him?
Elizabeth
I wouldn't dare suggest it to you, papa, but if you wish it, it would
give me the greatest pleasure in the world.
Matthews
I retained you to show my daughter. She already has had good
instruction.
Jeremy
So much the better. My master always wishes to add to his scholars.
Manly (pretending to be drunk)
Don't worry. I will impart to her all my--hic--skills.
Matthews
As soon as you can, I beg you. I've just decided to marry her off--and
I want her to dance at her wedding.
Anna
And, to whom are you planning to marry her, if you please?
Matthews
To one of my best friends--we were students together.
Anna
With one of your school mates! Really, you're joking.
Matthews
What! Didn't you just tell me a little while ago that she needs a
husband?
Anna
Yes, sir. But believe me--but my word, will a man who was your school
mate be capable of restoring her to health?
Matthews
Mr. Nugent offers to take her without a dowry. I like that idea. He's
coming here immediately, and I had better get ready to see him.
(Exit Matthews.)
Jeremy
Madame Nugent, I am your very humble servant.
Manly
Double crosser! Is now a time to joke?
Elizabeth
Ah, Manly, what will become of us?
Elizabeth
Anna, help us with your advice.
Anna
I'm as flabbergasted as you, and what has just been said makes me even
more so.
Elizabeth
Ah, if only my brother Walter were here! He loves me and father really
cares about him. We could confide our secret to him and he would be
able to help us. But he's been in the country for the last eight days
and we don't know when he'll be back.
Jeremy
My God, what a mess you're in. But, I've found a way to get you out of
it.
Manly
What good can you do us in the state you're in?
Jeremy
Wine gives me wit.-- Silence, I am going to speak.
Manly
Let's see.
Jeremy
First of all, Miss Elizabeth must explain to her father, and do so
with great discretion and charm: Dear father, you don't know what
you're saying or doing.
Anna
Beautiful beginning.
Jeremy
And secondly, you must speak to this old scholar who wants to marry
Miss Elizabeth.
Manly
Well, what do I tell him?
Jeremy
You will beg him very kindly (for I wish to be kind to everybody) to
leave here as fast as he can, but on the condition that he never
return.
Manly
Nice thing to say.
Jeremy
So much the better if things fall out so that you don't have to do
anything.
Manly
What's so much the better?
Jeremy
Yes, indeed. We won't soon be defeated. Because if he refuses to leave
by the door, we must throw him out the window.
Manly
Oh, shut up, stupid--leave us alone so we can consider.
(Trim's voice: Tally-ho!)
Anna
I hear someone. It sounds like Trim.
Elizabeth
If it's Trim, my brother isn't far away.
Anna
Return to your room, Miss Elizabeth. You, gentlemen, go join your
pretended comrades. I wish to sound out Trim and learn from him
whether or not Walter has some inclination. In that case, you have
common interests, and I plan to unite them to upset your father's
plans.
Elizabeth
Good idea. We must let her try. Her efforts may be useful to us.
Manly
You can count on being rewarded in proportion to the degree your
services prove useful to us.
(Enter Trim, dressed for the hunt, with a hunting horn.)
Trim
Tally-ho! Tally-ho!
Anna
Eh! What's the reason for all this hunting noise? Have you lost your
mind, my boy?
Trim
No, my dear. I am just as clever as usual. Is Mr. Matthews home?
Anna
No.
Trim
Are you positive?
Anna
Absolutely certain! He would be very angry at your making such a
racket.
Trim (walking about the stage)
Tally-ho! Tally-ho!
Anna
Ah! You'll be the death of me! Stop it, and don't bore me anymore.
What devilish music is that?
Trim
Do you believe that Mr. Matthews heard me?
Anna
Without a doubt, and all the neighbors, too. (Trim blasts his horn)
But, what do I hear? More noise of the hunt. Are we in the time of the
fairies, and have I been suddenly transported into a forest?
Trim
Ah, my dear, I would love to find you in the depths of a dark wood.
Anna
Why? To cut my throat?
Trim
No, child, you wouldn't die of it. (another blast on the horn)
Anna
Why keep it up? What do you mean to do?
Trim
My master is hunting in his father's antechamber.
Anna
Would you mind telling me what this means?
Trim
It means that we make a noise.
Anna
Does your master wish to insult his father? Are you dreaming? Are you
possessed?
Trim
Oh, be patient, and you will learn everything.
Anna
Hurry up then! What's going on?
Trim
We are trying to make Mr. Matthews think we have returned from a big
hunting party in the country. We have just brought two mules home
laden with game.
Anna
Two mules! What poachers! Did you depopulate the entire countryside?
Trim
Indeed, yes. We haven't left anything in the meat shops.
Anna
What the deuce are you talking about?
Trim
We were not at Cliffordshire Manor as we wish to fool old man Matthews
into believing. We've only been to a village half a league from
London, and we haven't even killed a sparrow.
Anna
What were you doing there for eight days?
Trim
The plague! Beautiful business, but it is a secret that I am not
permitted to divulge to you.
Anna
Why not?
Trim
Because, my master has forbidden me to speak of it, and that's why I'm
dying from the desire to tell you the whole thing. Oh, the heavy
weight of a secret! Well--here it is--my master-- Stop there, Trim,
you are going to do something stupid.
Anna
You hide something from me,--from your mistress?
Trim
I agree: that's not in the rules. But, at the same time, I have a
thought: my mistress is a woman. Would she be a woman if she were not
a person incapable of keeping her mouth shut and under the compulsion
to reveal the greatest secret within twenty-four hours or die?
Anna
Don't worry. I--I am stronger than a man about discretion. Speak or I
will break with you.