Edna Ferber - "One Basket [31 Stories]"

Unknown - "The World English Bible (WEB): 1 Kings"

William Shakespeare - "The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmar"

George Borrow - "The Romany Rye"

Great Jehoshaphat and Gully Dirt!

J >> Jewell Ellen Smith >> Great Jehoshaphat and Gully Dirt!




"And, Nannie, Lida Belle bought twenty-one yards of piece
goods! First thing when she got in the store, she went 'round
behind the counter and began fingering every bolt of cloth on the
shelves. Why, it took her a good half hour to settle on what she
wanted; and when she did, she got seven yards of purple calico,
seven of yellow, and seven of the red."

"Well, Jodie, I wonder if the reason Wes and Lida Belle
haven't been coming to church on Christmas Eve is 'cause all
these years the schoolteachers have never once given Ad-die Mae
or the three Bailey boys a part on the program. 'Course I doubt
if any one of them could, or would, learn a recitation, even if a
teacher assigned it to them."

"I don't know. I always thought the reason they hadn't been
coming was because of the old feud."

"Lida Belle and Wes weren't mixed up in the feud, were they,
Jodie?"

"No, they weren't old enough. But Old Lady Bailey lived with
them so long and harped on the feud so much, I reckon maybe they
got to thinking they could get tangled up in its aftermath.
Sometimes, you know, old folks can hand down hate and spite
easier than they can pass on a single idea worth a hoot! The old
soul probably raved most about the Christmas Eve her pa's cousin
was murdered in Millers Chapel."

"In Millers Chapel? That's new to me, Jodie. I never heard of
a killing in that old church!"

"Folks quit talking it, it was so bad. I don't know what year
it was, but that final and worst killing was when I was still a
boy. It was on just such a fine Christmas Eve night as this."

Papa took off his heavy jacket and kept talking.

"Folks from Drake Eye Springs and Tubal and Millers Crossing
had come for miles. You couldn't find one empty bench in the
whole meeting house that night; in fact, a good many had to
stand. That was the only church in these parts then.

"The shooting was right after the program. There was the
usual confusion as everyone began going up front to claim their
gifts. Folks said afterwards that some of the Williams men and
grown boys had been drinking pretty heavy. The one they called
Jake was talking uncommonly loud. He was, by the way, a great
uncle to Ward Lawson.

"So, when Jake Williams kept making such a nuisance of
himself, Old Mister Gus Parker-he was sitting across the aisle
from him-hollered out, 'Jake Williams, you get quiet! We can't
hear 'em readin' out the names!'

"Jake hollered back, 'Here's you a Christmas present, you old
Parker coot!' And he grabbed out his pistol and shot the old
gentleman dead, right there in the church!"

"No!"

"Mrs. Parker started screaming, Jake run out the door, and
somebody blowed out the lights! Then every man in the house took
to the woods. Left women and young'uns to get out and get home
the best way they could!"

"It must've been a frightful thing!"

"It was, Nannie. 'Course the next morning the Parkers went back
to the church to get Old Man Gus's body. But the tree with
all the Christmas stuff was left standing there for weeks. Folks
didn't have the heart to go back in the building.

"The following spring when the trial came up, Jake was
convicted, but he broke jail and got away. Old Judge Crawford had
all the rest of the Williamses, by name, to clear outta the
country. And what few Parker men were left took their families
and moved off too. They figured the killing could flare up again
among some of the Williamses' blood relations, and there wouldn't
be a Parker man or boy left to carry on their name. Wes Bailey's
ma was one of the few who stayed behind. 'Course she was already
married. Anyway, all the Baileys, except Addle Mae, are here
tonight, and I'm glad. It's not good for a family to live to
themselves so much. Besides, it's Christmas, and we ought'a all
share it together."

"Looks to me like Wes and Lida Belle would've had Addle Mae
come home for Christmas. There's something mighty strange about
them letting her stay down in Louisiana so long."

"I reckon that's their business, Nannie."

Chapter 9

We heard the organ squeak. I turned quickly to watch Bess as
she started pumping on the foot pedals. I knew she would wait
just a little before she began pressing down the black and white
keys. She had to get a sackful of air into the organ before it
could make music. She had explained that to me lots of times.

In a minute Bess began playing. Mama and Papa quit whispering
to each other, and everybody else got quiet, too. The organ's
pedals and bellows sounded louder than ever, but Bess kept
pumping her feet up and down, faster and faster. She pulled out
more and more stops till the music drowned out the organ's
whining and wheezing.

"That pump organ's gotta be fixed, Jodie!" Mama whispered.

"Yeah, I know."

Aunt Vic stepped out from between the center curtains. Bess
stopped playing.

"Let us all rise and repeat together the Lord's Prayer. And
please remain standing for the hymn-selection one-eighteen."

We all stood up and said the Our-Father-Which-Art-In-Heaven
prayer, and then everybody except me began singing a slow,
sweet-sounding song I'd never heard before about the Holy Night.

As soon as we sat down, Bess left the organ and went behind
the curtain. I didn't know what would be next. "Papa, will we get
the presents now?"

"Not yet," he whispered. "I think the schoolteacher's going
to speak to us."

Mister Shepherd went over to the pulpit stand. First, he said
good evening to us all, and then he began making a speech.

He spoke about as loud as Brother Milligan, but I couldn't
understand much of what he was saying. I could always understand
Brother Milligan, for he said the same things every time-all
about dying and going to Hell and somebody putting goats on one
side and sheep on the other for Judgment Day. I knew all the part
about hellfire and brimstone burning and about weeping and
wailing and gnashing of teeth.

But Mister Shepherd didn't even mention the fire and red-hot
brimstones that Brother Milligan said were forever waiting for
the damned. Mister Shepherd seemed to want everybody in the
church to think about Christmas Eve instead of damnation. I was
glad, because Hell is too far away to think about.

"This is a night," the schoolteacher was saying, "for the
old, young, and all of us in between! How wonderful it is that
you've come and brought your children and grandchildren to see
the beautiful tree, to get their gifts, and to hear the story
told once more.

"It's important that we keep our festive customs and
traditions. They smooth the roughness of life. But it's even more
important that we hold fast to our sacred beliefs and pass them
down. They ease life's pain, give it purpose.

"It's a genuine pleasure being the teacher for your children
this year. Every school day, from eight o'clock in the morning
till four in the evening, my thirty-seven pupils and I are in our
own separate world over across the branch at the schoolhouse.
They're as fine a bunch as I've ever had, and I've been teaching
now for seventeen years.

"Yet you can see for yourselves that if I teach these bright
pupils only what is printed in the books, and if you provide only
something for their dinner buckets, clothes to go on their backs,
and a shelter for them at night, we all fail.

"During the short years that boys and girls are in our care,
we must show them more than reading and writing and how to plant
crops and how to get bread and meat on the table and how to marry
and rear their own little ones. If this is all we do, we will
have done no more than a 'possum that sacks its young around or
any bird that tires its wings making trip after trip to the nest
with worms and bugs for its fledglings. They too know how to get
the necessities and to train their offspring to do the same.

"If we show children no more about life than this, that's
likely all they'll ever know. The desire to search for life's
full meaning, its sweetness, will never be theirs.

"I don't pretend to understand the purpose of human life. To
me, the struggle to know is, in itself, almost the answer. A man
strives all his days to get for himself that which is pleasant
and lovely and good to think upon. Is not this a groping toward
the Divine? Could it be that we were made to desire the perfect
so that we would be drawn to the Almighty?

"Tonight, let's keep these questions deep in our hearts as
the pupils give their pieces. Some of their recitations and skits
are light, but most are serious. Through such a Christmas
entertainment, we can put in the children's memories forever how
God came down to man. In the years ahead this will help them,
too, to struggle, to search, to hope, to hold fast."

Mister Shepherd moved back toward his chair and Captain
Jones, and Aunt Vic took the lamp from the top of the organ over
to the pulpit. She set it right beside the big Bible.

With the schoolteacher's help, Captain Jones managed to get
to his feet, and both Mister Shepherd and Aunt Vic helped steady
him as he walked toward the stand. Everybody stayed still and
quiet, waiting.

Aunt Vic spread open the Bible to where the red ribbon was
showing and then stepped to one side so she could hold up the
lamp. "Is this all right, Captain Jones?"

"Yes, Miss Vic, I can see fine, thank you."

"At this time, Captain Jones will read for us, as he has
these many years." Aunt Vic lifted the lamp a little higher.

When Captain Jones had straightened the nose piece of his
glasses, he began reading:

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a
decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be
taxed....

That wasn't anything for me to listen to, I could tell, for I
didn't even know Caesar Augustus. I wished Aunt Vic would hurry
and say, "At this time, we will start taking presents off the
tree." But I knew it would be hours before she got around to
saying that.

Then, I made another wish: I wished that one of the popcorn
balls would fall to the floor and that Mama would let me eat it
up! But, none fell. They just stayed still, hanging there on the
holly limbs, as if they too were waiting. Nothing on the tree was
moving, except the flickering tips of the candle flames, and
little wisps of smoke rising from each blaze. Nothing in the
whole church was moving, except those candle lights and Captain
Jones's lips and his quivering beard.

The stiff pasteboard in my paper hat was bothering my head so
much I wanted to pull the hat clear off. I reached up to get it,
but Mama made such a frown I knew to leave it alone.

Then we saw Aunt Vic raise one of her hands in a quick waving
motion. Immediately somebody back on the stage gave the ropes a
hard jerk and the curtains opened wide.

Of all things! An apple crate right in the middle of the
stage with hay sticking out at the top and on all sides! I
couldn't imagine why we needed hay at church.

Bess and Jim-Bo were sitting there beside the hay box, their
hands folded as if for saying prayers. They weren't praying,
though. They weren't moving their lips or keeping their eyes
closed. They were just gazing down into the straw. "Mama," I
whispered, "what's down in the box?"

"Sh-sh! Pay attention to Captain Jones so you can understand
the pageant."

I started to listen to him. Then I happened to glance toward
the far side of the stage. I was glad I did! There came all the
school girls-Mierd and Irene and Sally and all the rest-every one
dressed up like an angel with pretty shining wings. And right
behind the girls were Wiley and Wallace Goode and the Hansen
boys. But they didn't have on wings. They were just toting little
pasteboard sheep, gray and droopy, and long crooked sticks.
Slowly the angels and the sheep boys circled around behind Bess
and Jim-Bo, and every last one of them leaned their heads over to
look down in the hay.

"Mama, there's something down in that box!"

"Sh-sh, Bandershanks. If you can't see, why here, stand up on
the bench a minute."


I stood on tiptoe and stretched my neck. "It's a baby, Mama!"

"I know."

"He's asleep!"

"Be quiet, Bandershanks, and sit back down."

"Mama, how come the baby's in the hay?"

"Hon, the baby is like the Little Lord Jesus."

I stood up again to look.

"He's got red hair! Mama, that's Miss Ophelia's baby! He-"

We heard a big commotion outside, and everybody turned toward
the back door. Mister Goode opened the door. But instead of going
outside, he beckoned for whoever was at the doorsteps to come
into the church.

Three curious-looking men filed in, one close behind the
other. They marched, clomp, clomp, straight up on the stage.

"Look, Nannie," Papa whispered, "now we know why Lida Belle
bought that calico!"

"I declare to my soul, Jodie. I can't believe it!"

The men had on the most peculiar clothes I'd ever seen: long,
flowing robes that dragged to the floor; high, bespangled
headgear that reached halfway to the ceiling. They looked a good
bit like the kings in my storybook. That's what they were! Real
live kings! But where did they come from?

I jumped up to see what they would do with the pretty
sparkling chests they were toting. These might be three more
presents to put on the tree for somebody. No. The kings didn't
even look at the Christmas tree.

They lined up in a straight row in front of the sleeping baby.
Then the one who wore the purple robe nodded to the one in
yellow. He, in turn, cut his eyes around toward the one wearing
red. All together, the three bowed themselves down to the floor
and lifted up the three golden chests.

I noticed that the big king men all had on regular high-top
shoes just like Papa's. I looked up at their faces.

"Mama! They ain't no kings! That's them bad Bailey-"

"Hush!" Mama clamped her hand across my lips and pulled me
down into her lap. "Tonight, hon, they're kings, the Orient
Kings. You listen to Captain Jones."

I had forgotten all about him. He was standing up there in
front of Aunt Vic and the lamp, still reading, his white beard
quivering.


...they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down,
and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures,
they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.


Captain Jones stopped. He closed the Bible. Still, nobody
moved or said a word.


Then Aunt Vic gave a quick motion with her hand. The curtains
went together, and such noisy scrambling and talking broke out
back on the stage that both Aunt Vic and Mister Shepherd had to
hurry behind the curtains to quiet the school children.

"Now is it time for our presents, Mama?"

"Not yet. It's time for you to go get ready for your part."

"Now?"

"Yes, you run on back there and find Aunt Vic. And, hon, you
do exactly like she says."

I found Aunt Vic, and I watched and listened as she and the
schoolteacher sent the big kids out front by two's and three's to
give their readings. Aunt Vic went through my piece with me again
and had me whisper it to her three times. Then, right in the
middle of Irene's verses about a hot Christmas pudding-and before
I knew it was anywhere near my turn-Aunt Vic said I would be
next.

"Sugar, repeat your recitation to me one more time now, real
slow."

I rattled it off.

"Fine! You're just about the smartest girl I ever saw!"

Aunt Vic handed me Papa's rumpled hat that I had brought from
home and told me to follow her.

"Hold the hat out in front of you, sugar. With both hands."
When Aunt Vic and I got out to the middle of the stage, she took
a big breath and made her voice go high and clear. "At this time,
our little walking tree will recite the old-time Beggar's Rhyme,
and this will conclude our program for the evening."

To me she whispered, "Now, hon, lift up your chin and say
it."

I started to look up, but I saw the churchful of people. I
looked down at my feet, trying to think what to do. If I were
home, I could crawl under Grandma's bed. I tried to think some
more. The churchful of folks were still looking. If I could just
be a crawfish instead of a Christmas tree, I could scoot
backwards and hide behind the curtain! But Aunt Vic had stepped
back there. She motioned for me to take my finger out of my mouth
and say my piece.

"Christmas is-" she whispered.

"CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING," I started. "And, and, uh-" I looked
back at Aunt Vic.

"The goose-" she whispered.

"CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING.
"THE GOOSE IS A-GETTING FAT!
"PLEASE PUT A PENNY IN THE OLD MAN'S HAT!
"IF YOU AIN'T GOT A PENNY,

"If you ain't- If you ain't- If-" I had to look at Aunt Vic
again. She whispered, "Half penny."

"IF YOU AIN'T GOT A PENNY,
"A HALF A PENNY'LL DO.
"IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO HALF PENNY,
"GOD BLESS YOU!"

A roar of laughter swept the whole church, and everybody
started clapping hands, even the school kids behind the curtains!
The clapping kept swelling louder and louder till it waked
Ginger. He didn't like it. And I didn't either! He gave a shrill
yip, jumped up, and came rushing up on the stage, barking at me
like a big dog baying at a coon.

The more he barked, the louder everybody laughed and clapped
their hands. Finally Aunt Vic called Ginger, and Papa came and
got me.

Papa started smoothing out the leaves of my dress. I didn't
care about the dress any more! I grabbed him around the knees,
begged him to sit down and take me up in his lap.

"No, no, Bandershanks! You go on and finish what Aunt Vic
wants you to do. Pass the hat and then let her pin on the little
presents. You're a walking Christmas tree! Remember? And trees
don't cry! Now, scoot!"

I scooted! From one side of the church to the other, I ran
back and forth in front of each bench. And every person I passed
dropped money into Papa's ragged old hat: pennies, or one or two
nickels, or a dime, or two bits. By the time I came to the back
pews, the bottom of the hat was sagging down. As Uncle Dan and
the other men started tossing in four-bit pieces, it got heavier
and heavier. The last people I came to were Mister Wes and Miss
Lida Belle.

"You sure recited a nice little piece, hon," Miss Lida Belle
told me as I squeezed my way between her thick knees and the
bench behind me. She didn't drop any money in the hat, but as
soon as she turned her head the other way, Mister Wes slipped in
a whole silver dollar!

Leaning over close to me, he whispered, "Little lady, you see
the pretty blue tie up yonder on the tree?"

"Yes, sir."

"I bet you, if you ask her, Miss Vic will fasten that fine
tie on you and let you take it straight to the schoolteacher!"

Aunt Vic stopped calling out names long enough to pin the tie
on my shoulder.

"Hurry right back, hon," she told me. "There are more
presents for you to take."

"Where's Mister Shepherd at?"

"Right over yonder by the side door. Doctor Elton just got
here, and he's talking to him and Captain Jones."

"I see him!"

By weaving my way in and out between people I got through to
Mister Shepherd. I stopped and stood-straight as any tree-right
in front of him. But he wouldn't quit listening to Doctor Elton
and look down at me.

Doctor Elton wouldn't quit talking, either. He was so hoarse
he could hardly speak. Every word was just a croak. Doctor Elton
smelled of medicine worse than ever tonight. He kept on croaking
and frowning and chewing the stuffing out of his cigar butt.

"Shepherd, the rascal has been hiding out down in Louisiana
all this time! I wasn't surprised to hear it, 'cause I never did
think he drowned. But I can't figure out how he bought a
automobile! I'll ease up front and tell Jodie. But let's keep it
quiet. No need to disrupt things and get the womenfolks and
children in a panic."

While Doctor Elton was trying to get over to the center
aisle, Old Man Hawk walked up and began asking him about the
influenza ep-i-something-or-other down below State Line Road. The
schoolteacher still hadn't seen me. He moved over and sat down
beside Captain Jones.

I tapped on one of his legs. "Mister Shepherd! Mister
Shepherd! Here's a present!"

"Why, hello, Little Tree!"

"It's for you!"

"My, how pretty! But it couldn't be for me. Let me see whose
name's on the tag."

Just as Mister Shepherd leaned over to look at the slip of
paper pinned to the tie, we heard a big rumbling and rattling
-right outside the window. Then came a loud honking. I'd never
heard such a horn before! Mister Shepherd jerked up his head, got
to his feet, and turned around to Doctor Elton and Mister Hawk.

"Doc, you don't suppose that's-"

"It's him! Come to show off! A few of us men had better get
out there. Shepherd, get word to the others. I'll go on." Doctor
Elton bumped against me.
"Green Tree Gal, step over a little so I can get through
here!"

"Y'all lem'me get out too!" Mister Hawk was right behind the
doctor. "I gotta go see 'bout my mule!"

When Mister Hawk saw there were so many people between him
and the side door, he headed to the nearest window, raised it,
and eased himself through.

Doctor Elton hurried on around me, but before he could get to
the door, Papa came elbowing his way down the aisle, Uncle Dan
right behind him.

"We'd better see who's out yonder, don't you think, Doctor
Elton?" Papa was talking low, fast.

"I know who 'tis, Jodie! It's Ward!"

"Great Jehoshaphat and gully dirt! Let's get him! Come on,
y'all! Let's get him down to my store and hold him there till we
can send for the sheriff!"

Doctor Elton caught Papa's elbow. "Wait a minute, Jodie!
Let's sorta stroll out slow-so we don't start a commotion. Let's
make out like we're all dying to look at the automobile. Then,
the minute he steps to the ground, grab him!"

"Yeah, we'll do it that way," Papa agreed.

Doctor Elton, moving along right behind Papa, began chewing
his cigar faster than ever. "If we can ever plow our way through
this jam of folks, we'll-God!

Too late! Here he comes busting in the church! He's got a
gun, Jodie!"

The front door had swung open, and there stood Mister
Ward-waving a pistol above his head!

"Merr-rr-r Chris- Chris'mus! Merr-rr-r Chris'mus,
ever'-body!"

Papa, the doctor, and Uncle Dan rushed on toward him, while
everybody standing in the front of the church just sort of melted
back against the walls-tramping one another's feet as they
scrambled out of the way.

Doctor Elton croaked out, "Why, hello there, Ward," and
slapped him on the back like he was glad to see him. Papa grabbed
his arm, Uncle Dan, his coat!

Before I could see what would happen next, Mister Shepherd
pulled me back from the aisle and had me scrooch down under a
bench. Here, I couldn't see a thing but shoes and britches legs
and Captain Jones's walking stick. I couldn't even hear what Papa
and the other men were telling Mister Ward. But I could sure hear
Mister Ward talking-loud, and like his mouth was full of baked
'taters.

"Y'all s'prised to see me, ain't you? What y'all grabbin' me
for? I ain't done nothin'! Charged with kidnappin'? Hell, I just
took the young'un for a automobile ride. Weren't my fault she
jumped out. Anyhow, y'all found her. I come to get Ophelia and my
young'uns. I ain't havin' my baby boy in no Chris'mus doin's with
them damn Baileys. Naw, Doc, don't touch my gun! Where's Wes
Bailey? I brung him a message from Addie Mae. Wes thinks I don't
know where she's at! Doc, Wes is here, ain't he? Somebody tell
Wes to come see my automobile! I bought the first automobile in
Drake Eye Springs! What'd you say, Doc? Hell, yeah, you can ride
on it! I left the motor runnin'."

I raised up, peeping, to see if I could see Mister Wes. I saw
him, trying his best to get to Mister Ward. But he couldn't break
away from Miss Lida Belle and Mister Goode, who had him hemmed up
in the corner. He was twisting and turning, but they wouldn't let
go!

Mister Ward's loud, blubbering talk got louder.

"Wes, I see you now! Cuss your hide, come out and look at my
automobile! I'm aimin' for you to take one good, long look at
it-'fore I shoot you! Soon's I tell you what Addie Mae says, I'll
kill you! Naw, Doc! Lemme have my pistol back! I gotta use it!
I'm startin' up the Williams-Parker feud again! I ain't Jake
Williams's great nephew for nothin'! Great nephew! Sounds plum
good! My Uncle Jake, he stopped the feudin' one Chris'mus Eve.
I'm a-startin' it back tonight! You men are just dyin' to see my
automobile? Shore, I got plenty time to show y'all! Come on!
Hell, yeah, I'll let all y'all ride it!"

The church door slammed.

Everybody started milling around, talking all at once and
making such a babble I couldn't tell who was saying what.

"Hush and sit still, Ophelia! Sit still!" That was Miss Dink.

"No, Wes! I don't care if you are the Justice of the Peace!
He'll kill you! You heard him say it, didn't you?" That couldn't
be anybody except Miss Lida Belle.

"I gotta go!"

Mister Goode hollered, "Wes, you'd better stay right here in
this church! They can handle him! I'll go phone the sheriff
myself!"

Mister Shepherd grabbed up Captain Jones's walking stick and
started rapping the pew above my head with it. He almost hit me!
"Let's be calm," he called out. He kept rapping till everybody
got quiet. "Take your hymnals, please, and we'll sing another
Christmas song. Then Miss Vic and the young folks can proceed
with passing out the gifts. Miss Bess, please start playing the
organ. I suggest we sing 'Angels We Have Heard On High.' It's a
fine, fine old French hymn! You'll find it on page seventeen."

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