The Seaboard Parish Vol. 2
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George MacDonald >> The Seaboard Parish Vol. 2
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"How can I be wrong when all my trouble comes from doing my duty--nothing
else, as far as I know?"
"Then," I replied, a sudden light breaking in on my mind, "I doubt whether
what you suppose to be your duty can be your duty. If it were, I do not
think it would make you so miserable. At least--I may be wrong, but I
venture to think so."
"What is a man to go by, then? If he thinks a thing is his duty, is he not
to do it?"
"Most assuredly--until he knows better. But it is of the greatest
consequence whether the supposed duty be the will of God or the invention
of one's own fancy or mistaken judgment. A real duty is always something
right in itself. The duty a man makes his for the time, by supposing it to
be a duty, may be something quite wrong in itself. The duty of a Hindoo
widow is to burn herself on the body of her husband. But that duty lasts no
longer than till she sees that, not being the will of God, it is not her
duty. A real duty, on the other hand, is a necessity of the human nature,
without seeing and doing which a man can never attain to the truth and
blessedness of his own being. It was the duty of the early hermits to
encourage the growth of vermin upon their bodies, for they supposed that
was pleasing to God; but they could not fare so well as if they had seen
the truth that the will of God was cleanliness. And there may be far more
serious things done by Christian people against the will of God, in the
fancy of doing their duty, than such a trifle as swarming with worms. In a
word, thinking a thing is your duty makes it your duty only till you know
better. And the prime duty of every man is to seek and find, that he may
do, the will of God."
"But do you think, sir, that a man is likely to be doing what he ought not,
if he is doing what he don't like?"
"Not so likely, I allow. But there may be ambition in it. A man must not
want to be better than the right. That is the delusion of the anchorite--a
delusion in which the man forgets the rights of others for the sake of his
own sanctity."
"It might be for the sake of another person, and not for the person's own
sake at all."
"It might be; but except it were the will of God for that other person, it
would be doing him or her a real injury."
We were coming gradually towards what I wanted to make the point in
question. I wished him to tell me all about it himself, however, for I
knew that while advice given on request is generally disregarded, to offer
advice unasked is worthy only of a fool."
"But how are you to know the will of God in every case?" asked Joe.
"By looking at the general laws of life, and obeying them--except there be
anything special in a particular case to bring it under a higher law."
"Ah! but that be just what there is here."
"Well, my dear fellow, that may be; but the special conduct may not be
right for the special case for all that. The speciality of the case may not
be even sufficient to take it from under the ordinary rule. But it is of no
use talking generals. Let us come to particulars. If you can trust me, tell
me all about it, and we may be able to let some light in. I am sure there
is darkness somewhere."
"I will turn it over in my mind, sir; and if I can bring myself to talk
about it, I will. I would rather tell you than anyone else."
I said no more. We watched a glorious sunset--there never was a grander
place for sunsets--and went home.
CHAPTER XII.
A SMALL ADVENTURE.
The next morning Harry came with the clothes. But Joe did not go to church.
Neither did Agnes make her appearance that morning. They were both present
at the evening service, however.
When we came out of church, it was cloudy and dark, and the wind was
blowing cold from the sea. The sky was covered with one cloud, but the
waves tossing themselves against the rocks, flashed whiteness out of the
general gloom. As the tide rose the wind increased. It was a night of surly
temper--hard and gloomy. Not a star cracked the blue above--there was no
blue; and the wind was _gurly_; I once heard that word in Scotland, and
never forgot it.
After one of our usual gatherings in Connie's room, which were much shorter
here because of the evening service in summer, I withdrew till supper
should be ready.
Now I have always had, as I think I have incidentally stated before, a
certain peculiar pleasure in the surly aspects of nature. When I was a
young man this took form in opposition and defiance; since I had begun
to grow old the form had changed into a sense of safety. I welcomed such
aspects, partly at least, because they roused my faith to look through and
beyond the small region of human conditions in which alone the storm can be
and blow, and thus induced a feeling like that of the child who lies in his
warm crib and listens to the howling of one of these same storms outside
the strong-built house which yet trembles at its fiercer onsets: the house
is not in danger; or, if it be, that is his father's business, not
his. Hence it came that, after supper, I put on my great-coat and
travelling-cap, and went out into the ill-tempered night--speaking of it in
its human symbolism.
I meant to have a stroll down to the breakwater, of which I have yet said
little, but which was a favourite resort, both of myself and my children.
At the further end of it, always covered at high water, was an outlying
cluster of low rocks, in the heart of which the lord of the manor, a
noble-hearted Christian gentleman of the old school, had constructed a bath
of graduated depth--an open-air swimming-pool--the only really safe place
for men who were swimmers to bathe in. Thither I was in the habit of taking
my two little men every morning, and bathing with them, that I might
develop the fish that was in them; for, as George Herbert says:
"Man is everything,
And more: he is a tree, yet bears no fruit;
A beast, yet is, or should be, more;"
and he might have gone on to say that he is, or should be, a fish as well.
It will seem strange to any reader who can recall the position of my
Connie's room, that the nearest way to the breakwater should be through
that room; but so it was. I mention the fact because I want my readers to
understand a certain peculiarity of the room. By the side of the window
which looked out upon the breakwater was a narrow door, apparently of a
closet or cupboard, which communicated, however, with a narrow, curving,
wood-built passage, leading into a little wooden hut, the walls of
which were by no means impervious to the wind, for they were formed of
outside-planks, with the bark still upon them. From this hut one or two
little windows looked seaward, and a door led out on the bit of sward in
which lay the flower-bed under Connie's window. From this spot again a door
in the low wall and thick hedge led out on the downs, where a path wound
along the cliffs that formed the side of the bay, till, descending under
the storm-tower, it brought you to the root of the breakwater.
This mole stretched its long strong low back to a rock a good way out,
breaking the force of the waves, and rendering the channel of a small
river, that here flowed into the sea across the sands from the mouth of
the canal, a refuge from the Atlantic. But it was a roadway often hard to
reach. In fair weather even, the wind falling as the vessel rounded the
point of the breakwater into the calm of the projecting headlands, the
under-current would sometimes dash her helpless on the rocks. During
all this heavenly summer there had been no thought or fear of any such
disaster. The present night was a hint of what weather would yet come.
When I went into Connie's room, I found her lying in bed a very picture of
peace. But my entrance destroyed the picture.
"Papa," she said, "why have you got your coat on? Surely you are not going
out to-night. The wind is blowing dreadfully."
"Not very dreadfully, Connie. It blew much worse the night we found your
baby."
"But it is very dark."
"I allow that; but there is a glimmer from the sea. I am only going on the
breakwater for a few minutes. You know I like a stormy night quite as much
as a fine one."
"I shall be miserable till you come home, papa."
"Nonsense, Connie. You don't think your father hasn't sense to take care of
himself! Or rather, Connie, for I grant that is poor ground of comfort, you
don't think I can go anywhere without my Father to take care of me?"
"But there is no occasion--is there, papa?"
"Do you think I should be better pleased with my boys if they shrunk from
everything involving the least possibility of danger because there was no
occasion for it? That is just the way to make cowards. And I am certain God
would not like his children to indulge in such moods of self-preservation
as that. He might well be ashamed of them. The fearful are far more likely
to meet with accidents than the courageous. But really, Connie, I am almost
ashamed of talking so. It is all your fault. There is positively no ground
for apprehension, and I hope you won't spoil my walk by the thought that my
foolish little girl is frightened."
"I will be good--indeed I will, papa," she said, holding up her mouth to
kiss me.
I left her room, and went through the wooden passage into the bark hut. The
wind roared about it, shook it, and pawed it, and sung and whistled in the
chinks of the planks. I went out and shut the door. That moment the wind
seized upon me, and I had to fight with it. When I got on the path leading
along the edge of the downs, I felt something lighter than any feather fly
in my face. When I put up my hand, I found my cheek wet. Again and again I
was thus assailed, but when I got to the breakwater I found what it was.
They were flakes of foam, bubbles worked up into little masses of adhering
thousands, which the wind blew off the waters and across the downs,
carrying some of them miles inland. When I reached the breakwater, and
looked along its ridge through the darkness of the night, I was bewildered
to see a whiteness lying here and there in a great patch upon its top. They
were but accumulations of these foam-flakes, like soap-suds, lying so thick
that I expected to have to wade through them, only they vanished at the
touch of my feet. Till then I had almost believed it was snow I saw. On
the edge of the waves, in quieter spots, they lay like yeast, foaming and
working. Now and then a little rush of water from a higher wave swept over
the top of the broad breakwater, as with head bowed sideways against the
wind, I struggled along towards the rock at its end; but I said to myself,
"The tide is falling fast, and salt water hurts nobody," and struggled on
over the huge rough stones of the mighty heap, outside which the waves were
white with wrath, inside which they had fallen asleep, only heaving with
the memory of their late unrest. I reached the tall rock at length, climbed
the rude stair leading up to the flagstaff, and looked abroad, if looking
it could be called, into the thick dark. But the wind blew so strong on the
top that I was glad to descend. Between me and the basin where yesterday
morning I had bathed in still water and sunshine with my boys, rolled
the deathly waves. I wandered on the rough narrow space yet uncovered,
stumbling over the stones and the rocky points between which they lay,
stood here and there half-meditating, and at length, finding a sheltered
nook in a mass of rock, sat with the wind howling and the waves bursting
around me. There I fell into a sort of brown study--almost a half-sleep.
But I had not sat long before I came broad awake, for I heard voices, low
and earnest. One I recognised as Joe's voice. The other was a woman's.
I could not tell what they said for some time, and therefore felt no
immediate necessity for disclosing my proximity, but sat debating with
myself whether I should speak to them or not. At length, in a lull of the
wind, I heard the woman say--I could fancy with a sigh--
"I'm sure you'll du what is right, Joe. Don't 'e think o' me, Joe."
"It's just of you that I du think, Aggy. You know it ben't for my sake.
Surely you know that?"
There was no answer for a moment. I was still doubting what I had best
do--go away quietly or let them know I was there--when she spoke again.
There was a momentary lull now in the noises of both wind and water, and I
heard what she said well enough.
"It ben't for me to contradict you, Joe. But I don't think you be going to
die. You be no worse than last year. Be you now, Joe?"
It flashed across me how once before, a stormy night and darkness had
brought me close to a soul in agony. Then I was in agony myself; now the
world was all fair and hopeful around me--the portals of the world beyond
ever opening wider as I approached them, and letting out more of their
glory to gladden the path to their threshold. But here were two souls
straying in a mist which faith might roll away, and leave them walking in
the light. The moment was come. I must speak.
"Joe!" I called out.
"Who's there?" he cried; and I heard him start to his feet.
"Only Mr. Walton. Where are you?"
"We can't be very far off," he answered, not in a tone of any pleasure at
finding me so nigh.
I rose, and peering about through the darkness, found that they were a
little higher up on the same rock by which I was sheltered.
"You mustn't think," I said, "that I have been eavesdropping. I had no idea
anyone was near me till I heard your voices, and I did not hear a word till
just the last sentence or two."
"I saw someone go up the Castle-rock," said Joe; "but I thought he was gone
away again. It will be a lesson to me."
"I'm no tell-tale, Joe," I returned, as I scrambled up the rock. "You will
have no cause to regret that I happened to overhear a little. I am sure,
Joe, you will never say anything you need be ashamed of. But what I heard
was sufficient to let me into the secret of your trouble. Will you let me
talk to Joe, Agnes? I've been young myself, and, to tell the truth, I don't
think I'm old yet."
"I am sure, sir," she answered, "you won't be hard on Joe and me. I don't
suppose there be anything wrong in liking each other, though we can't
be--married."
She spoke in a low tone, and her voice trembled very much; yet there was a
certain womanly composure in her utterance. "I'm sure it's very bold of me
to talk so," she added, "but Joe will tell you all about it."
I was close beside them now, and fancied I saw through the dusk the motion
of her hand stealing into his.
"Well, Joe, this is just what I wanted," I said. "A woman can be braver
than a big smith sometimes. Agnes has done her part. Now you do yours, and
tell me all about it."
No response followed my adjuration. I must help him.
"I think I know how the matter lies, Joe. You think you are not going to
live long, and that therefore you ought not to marry. Am I right?"
"Not far off it, sir," he answered.
"Now, Joe," I said, "can't we talk as friends about this matter? I have
no right to intrude into your affairs--none in the least--except what
friendship gives me. If you say I am not to talk about it, I shall be
silent. To force advice upon you would be as impertinent as useless."
"It's all the same, I'm afraid, sir. My mind has been made up for a long
time. What right have I to bring other people into trouble? But I take it
kind of you, sir, though I mayn't look over-pleased. Agnes wants to hear
your way of it. I'm agreeable."
This was not very encouraging. Still I thought it sufficient ground for
proceeding.
"I suppose you will allow that the root of all Christian behaviour is the
will of God?"
"Surely, sir."
"Is it not the will of God, then, that when a man and woman love each
other, they should marry?"
"Certainly, sir--where there be no reasons against it."
"Of course. And you judge you see reason for not doing so, else you would?"
"I do see that a man should not bring a woman into trouble for the sake of
being comfortable himself for the rest of a few weary days."
Agnes was sobbing gently behind her handkerchief. I knew how gladly she
would be Joe's wife, if only to nurse him through his last illness.
"Not except it would make her comfortable too, I grant you, Joe. But listen
to me. In the first place, you don't know, and you are not required to
know, when you are going to die. In fact, you have nothing to do with it.
Many a life has been injured by the constant expectation of death. It is
life we have to do with, not death. The best preparation for the night is
to work while the day lasts, diligently. The best preparation for death is
life. Besides, I have known delicate people who have outlived all their
strong relations, and been left alone in the earth--because they had
possibly taken too much care of themselves. But marriage is God's will, and
death is God's will, and you have no business to set the one over against,
as antagonistic to, the other. For anything you know, the gladness and the
peace of marriage may be the very means intended for your restoration to
health and strength. I suspect your desire to marry, fighting against the
fancy that you ought not to marry, has a good deal to do with the state of
health in which you now find yourself. A man would get over many things if
he were happy, that he cannot get over when he is miserable."
"But it's for Aggy. You forget that."
"I do not forget it. What right have you to seek for her another kind of
welfare than you would have yourself? Are you to treat her as if she were
worldly when you are not--to provide for her a comfort which yourself you
would despise? Why should you not marry because you have to die soon?--if
you _are_ thus doomed, which to me is by no means clear. Why not have what
happiness you may for the rest of your sojourn? If you find at the end of
twenty years that here you are after all, you will be rather sorry you did
not do as I say."
"And if I find myself dying at the end of six months'?"
"You will thank God for those six months. The whole thing, my dear fellow,
is a want of faith in God. I do not doubt you think you are doing right,
but, I repeat, the whole thing comes from want of faith in God. You will
take things into your own hands, and order them after a preventive and
self-protective fashion, lest God should have ordained the worst for you,
which worst, after all, would be best met by doing his will without inquiry
into the future; and which worst is no evil. Death is no more an evil than
marriage is."
"But you don't see it as I do," persisted the blacksmith.
"Of course I don't. I think you see it as it is not."
He remained silent for a little. A shower of spray fell upon us. He
started.
"What a wave!" he cried. "That spray came over the top of the rock. We
shall have to run for it."
I fancied that he only wanted to avoid further conversation.
"There's no hurry," I said. "It was high water an hour and a half ago."
"You don't know this coast, sir," returned he, "or you wouldn't talk like
that."
As he spoke he rose, and going from under the shelter of the rock, looked
along.
"For God's sake, Aggy!" he cried in terror, "come at once. Every other wave
be rushing across the breakwater as if it was on the level."
So saying, he hurried back, caught her by the hand, and began to draw her
along.
"Hadn't we better stay where we are?" I suggested.
"If you can stand the night in the cold. But Aggy here is delicate; and I
don't care about being out all night. It's not the tide, sir; it's a ground
swell--from a storm somewhere out at sea. That never asks no questions
about tide or no tide."
"Come along, then," I said. "But just wait one minute more. It is better to
be ready for the worst."
For I remembered that the day before I had seen a crowbar lying among the
stones, and I thought it might be useful. In a moment or two I had found
it, and returning, gave it to Joe. Then I took the girl's disengaged hand.
She thanked me in a voice perfectly calm and firm. Joe took the bar in
haste, and drew Agnes towards the breakwater.
Any real thought of danger had not yet crossed my mind. But when I looked
along the outstretched back of the mole, and saw a dim sheet of white sweep
across it, I felt that there was ground for his anxiety, and prepared
myself for a struggle.
"Do you know what to do with the crowbar, Joe?" I said, grasping my own
stout oak-stick more firmly.
"Perfectly," answered Joe. "To stick between the stones and hold on. We
must watch our time between the waves."
"You take the command, then, Joe," I returned. "You see better than I do,
and you know the ways of that raging wild beast there better than I do. I
will obey orders--one of which, no doubt, will be, not for wind or sea to
lose hold of Agnes--eh, Joe?"
Joe gave a grim enough laugh in reply, and we started, he carrying his
crowbar in his right hand towards the advancing sea, and I my oak-stick in
my left towards the still water within.
"Quick march!" said Joe, and away we went out on the breakwater.
Now the back of the breakwater was very rugged, for it was formed of huge
stones, with wide gaps between, where the waters had washed out the cement,
and worn their edges. But what impeded our progress secured our safety.
"Halt!" cried Joe, when we were yet but a few yards beyond the shelter of
the rocks. "There's a topper coming."
We halted at the word of command, as a huge wave, with combing crest,
rushed against the far out-sloping base of the mole, and flung its heavy
top right over the middle of the mass, a score or two of yards in front of
us.
"Now for it!" cried Joe. "Run!"
We did run. In my mind there was just sense enough of danger to add to the
pleasure of the excitement. I did not know how much danger there was. Over
the rough worn stones we sped stumbling.
"Halt!" cried the smith once more, and we did halt; but this time, as it
turned out, in the middle front of the coming danger.
"God be with us!" I exclaimed, when the huge billow showed itself through
the night, rushing towards the mole. The smith stuck his crowbar between
two great stones. To this he held on with one hand, and threw the other arm
round Agnes's waist. I, too, had got my oak firmly fixed, held on with one
hand, and threw the other arm round Agnes. It took but a moment.
"Now then!" cried Joe. "Here she comes! Hold on, sir. Hold on, Aggy!"
But when I saw the height of the water, as it rushed on us up the sloping
side of the mound, I cried out in my turn, "Down, Joe! Down on your face,
and let it over us easy! Down Agnes!"
They obeyed. We threw ourselves across the breakwater, with our heads to
the coming foe, and I grasped my stick close to the stones with all the
power of a hand that was then strong. Over us burst the mighty wave,
floating us up from the stones where we lay. But we held on, the wave
passed, and we sprung gasping to our feet.
"Now, now!" cried Joe and I together, and, heavy as we were, with the water
pouring from us, we flew across the remainder of the heap, and arrived,
panting and safe, at the other end, ere one wave more had swept the
surface. The moment we were in safety we turned and looked back over the
danger we had traversed. It was to see a huge billow sweep the breakwater
from end to end. We looked at each other for a moment without speaking.
"I believe, sir," said Joe at length, with slow and solemn speech, "if you
hadn't taken the command at that moment we should all have been lost."
"It seems likely enough, when I look back on it. For one thing, I was not
sure that my stick would stand, so I thought I had better grasp it low
down."
"We were awfully near death," said Joe.
"Nearer than you thought, Joe; and yet we escaped it. Things don't go
all as we fancy, you see. Faith is as essential to manhood as
foresight--believe me, Joe. It is very absurd to trust God for the future,
and not trust him for the present. The man who is not anxious is the man
most likely to do the right thing. He is cool and collected and ready. Our
Lord therefore told his disciples that when they should be brought before
kings and rulers, they were to take no thought what answer they should
make, for it would be given them when the time came."
We were climbing the steep path up to the downs. Neither of my companions
spoke.
"You have escaped one death together," I said at length: "dare another."
Still neither of them returned an answer. When we came near the parsonage,
I said, "Now, Joe, you must go in and get to bed at once. I will take Agnes
home. You can trust me not to say anything against you?"
Joe laughed rather hoarsely, and replied: "As you please, sir. Good night,
Aggie. Mind you get to bed as fast as you can."
When I returned from giving Agnes over to her parents, I made haste to
change my clothes, and put on my warm dressing-gown. I may as well mention
at once, that not one of us was the worse for our ducking. I then went up
to Connie's room.
"Here I am, you see, Connie, quite safe."
"I've been lying listening to every blast of wind since you went out, papa.
But all I could do was to trust in God."
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