The Visions of the Sleeping Bard

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After that ten devils, panting heavily, drop their burdens upon the fiery
floor. "What have ye?" asked Lucifer. "We have what a day or two ago
were called kings," answered one of the fiendish steeds. (I sought
carefully to see whether Lewis of France were among them.) "Throw them
here," bade the King; and at that they were thrown amongst the other
crowned heads that lay beneath Lucifer's feet; and following the monarchs
came their courtiers and their flatterers to receive sentence. Before I
had time to ask any question, I heard the blast of brazen trumpets and
shouts. "Make way, make way," and at once there came in view a herd of
assize-men and devils bearing the train of six justices, and millions of
their race--barristers, {95a} attorneys, clerks, recorders, bailiffs,
catchpolls, and the litigous busybody. I wondered that none of them was
examined; but in truth, they knew the matter had gone too far against
them, so none of the learned counsels opened their lips, but the busybody
threatened that he would bring an action for false imprisonment against
Lucifer. "Thou shalt have good cause of complaint now," said the Evil
One, "and never see a court at all." Then he donned his red cap, and
with unbearable, haughty mien, said: "Go, take the justices to the hall
of Pontius Pilate, to Master Bradshaw, who condemned King Charles; pack
the barristers with the assassins of Sir Edmundbury Godfrey, {95b} and
their other false co-partners who simulate mutual contention, merely in
order to slay whomsoever might interpose. Go, greet that prudent lawyer,
who, when dying offered a thousand pounds for a good conscience, and ask
whether he is now willing to give more. Roast the lawyers by the fire of
their own parchments and papers till their learned bowels burst forth;
let the litigous busybodies hang above them with their nostrils deepest
down the roasting chimneys, in order to inhale the noxious vapors arising
thence, to see if they will ever get their fill of law. Throw the
recorders amongst the retailers who prevent or forestall the sale of
corn, who mix it and sell the mixture at double the price of the pure
corn: similarly, they demand for wrong double the fees formerly given
for right. As to the catchpolls, let them free to hunt about and lie in
the ravines and bushes of the earth, to capture those that are debtors to
the infernal crown; for what devil of you could do the work better than
they?"

Shortly there appear twenty demons, like Scotch-men, with packs across
their shoulders, which they cast down before the throne of despair, and
which turned out to be gipsies. "Ho there!" cried Lucifer, "how was it
that ye who knew the fortune of others so well, did not know that your
own fortune was leading you hither?" No answer was given, for they were
amazed at seeing here beings uglier than themselves. "Throw the tan-
faced loons to the witches," bade the King, "there are no cats or rush-
lights here for them, but divide a frog between them every ten thousand
years, if they will be quiet and not deafen us with their barbarous
chatter."

After them came, methought, thirty labourers. Everybody wondered to see
so many of that honest calling, so seldom did any of them appear; but
they did not all come from the same parts nor for like faults--some for
raising prices, many for withholding their tithes, and defrauding the
parson of his dues, others for leaving their work to follow after the
gentry, and who in trying to stride along with their masters, strained
themselves, some for doing work on the Sabbath, some for thinking of
their sheep and kine in church, instead of giving attention to the
reading of Holy Writ, and others for wrongful bargains. When Lucifer
began to question them, lo! they were all as pure as gold, and not one of
them found anything amiss in himself so as to deserve such a dwelling
place. One can scarcely believe what neat excuses each one had to hide
his sin, although they were already in hell for it, offering them merely
out of evil disposition to thwart Lucifer and to accuse the righteous
Judge, who had condemned them, of injustice. But it was still more
astonishing to see how cleverly the Evil One exposed their foul sins, and
how he answered with a home-thrust their false excuses. When these were
about to receive their infernal doom, forty scholars were borne forward
by porpoise-shaped fiends, uglier, if possible, than Lucifer himself.
And when they heard the labourers pleading, they too waxed bold to give
excuses, but what ready answers the old Serpent had for them with all
their knavery and learning! As it happened that I heard similar pleas in
another court of justice I will hereafter recount them together, and now
proceed with what I saw in the meantime.

Lucifer had barely pronounced their sentence--that they should be driven
to the great glacier in the land of eternal ice, a doom that set their
teeth a-gnashing, even before they saw their prison, when suddenly, hell
again most marvellously resounded with the crash of terrible bolts, with
loud-rolling thunder, and with every noise of war. Lucifer loured and
grew pale; in a moment, there flew in a wry-footed imp, panting and
trembling. "What is the matter?" cried Lucifer. "A matter fraught with
the greatest peril for you since hell is hell," said the dwarf, "all the
ends of the kingdom of darkness have risen up against you and against
each other, especially those between whom there was longstanding enmity,
who are already locked together fang to fang, so that it is impossible to
pull them apart. Soldiers have attacked the doctors for taking away
their trade of slaughter; a myriad userers have fallen upon the lawyers,
for claiming a share in the business of robbery; the busybodies and the
swindlers are tearing the gentlemen, limb-meal, for unnecessary swearing
and cursing, whereby they gained their living. Harlots and their
minions, and a million other old friends and former comrades have fallen
out with one another irreconcilably. But worst of all is the fray raging
between the misers and their own offspring, for wasting the goods and
money which, the old pinchfists aver, 'cost us much pain on earth, and
here endless anguish.' Their sons, on the other hand, cursing and
rending them outrageously, call for eternal ruin upon their heads for
leaving overmuch wealth to madden them with pride and riotous living,
when a little, under the blessing of heaven, would have rendered them
happy in both worlds." "Enough, enough," cried Lucifer, "there is more
need of arms than words. Return, sirrah, and play the spy in every watch
to find the where and why of this great negligence, for there's some
treachery in the air we wot not of as yet." The imp departed at his
bidding, and in the meantime Lucifer and his compeers arose in terror and
exceeding fear, and ordered the levying of the bravest armies of the
black angels; and having disposed them, he himself started foremost to
quell the rebellion, his chieftains and their hosts going other ways.
The royal army, like shafts of lightning across the hideous gloom,
advanced (and we in their rear); ere long the uproar falls upon their
ears; a fiendish bellower cries, "Silence, in the King's name!" to no
purpose, it would be an easier task to hale apart old beavers than one of
these. But when Lucifer's veterans dashed into their midst, the growls,
and blows, and battering lessened. "Silence in Lucifer's name!" roared
the devil a second time. "What is this," demanded the King, "and who are
these?" "Nothing, sire, but that in the general confusion, the drovers
came across the cuckolds, and set a-butting to prove whose horns were the
harder; it might have turned out seriously, had not your horned giants
joined in the affray." "Well," said Lucifer, "since ye are all so ready
with your arms, come with me to trounce the other rebels." But when the
rumour reached these that Lucifer was approaching with three horned
armies, everyone made for his lair.

So he marched on across the desolate plains unresisted, and seeking in
vain the cause of the revolt. After a while, however, one of the King's
spies returns, quite out of breath: "Most noble, Lucifer! Moloch, your
prince, hath subdued part of the North, and hath cut thousands to pieces
upon the glaciers, but there are three or four dangerous evils still
threatening you." "Whom meanest thou?" asked Lucifer. "The Slanderer,
the Busybody, and the Lawmonger, have broken out of their prisons and got
free." "No wonder then," said the Evil One, "if further troubles arise."
Then there comes another spy from the South, informing that matters would
soon reach a dire pass in that quarter if the three who had already
thrown the West into utter confusion be not taken, namely, the Huntress,
the Rogue and the Swaggerer. "Since the day I tempted Adam from his
garden," said Satan, who stood next but one to Lucifer, "I have never
seen so many evils of his race at liberty together. The Huntress, the
Swaggerer, the Rogue, on the one hand, and on the other, the Slanderer,
the Lawmonger and the Busybody--a mixture would make devils reach."
"Little wonder, verily," said Lucifer, "that they were so much hated by
all on earth, seeing that they are capable of causing such trouble to us
here." Not long after, the Huntress comes to meet the King upon the way.
"Ho! grandam o' the breeches," cries a shrill-voiced demon, "good night
to you." "Thy grandam on which side, prithee?" said she, displeased
because he did not "madam" her. "You are a fine king, Lucifer, to keep
such impudent rascals about you; a thousand pities that such a vast realm
should be under so impotent a ruler; would that I might be made its
regent." Then comes the Swaggerer, nodding in the dark--"Your humble
servant, sir," saith he to one, over his shoulder; "Are you quite well?"
to another; "Can I be of any service to you?" addressing a third, with a
leering smirk, and to the Huntress: "Your beauty quite fascinates me,
madam." "Oh oh," cried she, "away with the hell-hound;" and all join in
the shout: "Away with this new tormentor, hell on hell that he is!"
"Let both be bound together hand and foot," commanded Lucifer. Soon
after the Lawmonger comes on the scene between two devils. "Ho, ho, thou
angel of peace," exclaimed Lucifer, "hast thou come? Keep him safe,
guards, at your peril!" Before we had gone far, the Rogue and the
Slanderer appeared, chained between forty devils, and whispering to one
another. "Most noble Lucifer," began the Rogue, "I am very sorry there
is so much disturbance in your kingdom; but if I may be heard, I will
teach you a better method. Under the pretence of holding a Parliament,
you can cite all the damned into the burning Evildom, and then bid the
devils hurl them headlong to bottomless perdition, and lock them up in
its vortex, to trouble you no more." "But the Common Meddler is still
missing," said Lucifer, frowning most darkly at the Rogue. When we
reached once more the entrance of the infernal court, who should come
straight to meet the King but the Busybody. "Ah, your majesty, I have a
word with you." "And I have one or two with you, peradventure," said the
Evil One. "I have been over the half of Hell," said he, "to see how your
affairs went. You have many officers in the East who are remiss, and
take their ease instead of attending to the torturing of their prisoners
and to their safe keeping; it was this that gave rise to the great
rebellion. And moreover many of your fiends, and of the lost whom you
sent to the world to tempt men, have not returned, although their time is
up, and others have come, but hide rather than give an account of their
doings."

Then commanded Lucifer his herald to summon a second Parliament, and in
the twinkling of an eye all the potentates and their officers were again
in attendance at their infernal Eisteddfod. The first thing done was to
change the officers, and to order a place to be made round the mouth of
the pit for the Swaggerer and the Huntress, linked face to face, and for
the other rebels, bound topsy-turvy together; and a law was published
that whosoever of the demons or of the damned thenceforth transgressed
his duty should be thrown into their midst till doomsday. At these words
all the fiends and even Lucifer himself trembled and were sore perturbed.
Then next came the trial of the devils and the lost who had been sent to
earth to find "associates and co-partners of their loss;" the devils gave
a clear account, but the statement of the damned was so hazy and
uncertain, that they were driven to the ever-burning school, and there
scourged with fiery, knotted serpents to teach them their task the
better. "Here's a wench that's pretty enough when dressed up," said an
imp, "she was sent up into the world to gain you new subjects; and whom
should she first tempt but a weary ploughman, homeward wending his way,
late from his toils, who, instead of succumbing to her wiles, went on his
knees praying to be saved from the devil and his angels." "Ho there!"
cried Lucifer, "throw her to that worthless losel who long ago loved
Einion ab Gwalchmai of Mona." {102a} "Stay, stay," pleaded the fair one,
"this is but my first offence; there is yet scarcely a year since the day
when all was over with me, when I was condemned to your cursed state, Oh
king of woes!" "No, there is not yet three weeks," said the demon that
had brought her there. "How therefore," said she, "would you have me be
as skilled as those lost beings who have been here three or four
centuries hunting their prey? If you desire better service at my hands,
let me go free into the world once more to roam about uncensured; and if
I bring you not twenty adulterers for every year I am out, mete me what
punishment you list." Nevertheless the verdict went against her, and she
was doomed to live a hundred long years under chastisement, that she
might be more careful a second time. Presently, another devil entered,
pushing to the front a man. "Here is a fine messenger," he said, "who
wandering the other night in his old neighbourhood above, saw a thief
stealing a stallion, but could not help him even to catch the foal
without showing himself; and the thief, when he saw him, abandoned that
career for ever." "Begging the court's pardon," said the man, "if the
thief's child was endowed with power from above to see me, could I help
that? Moreover, this is only a single case; 't is not a hundred years
since that day which put an end to all my hopes for ever, and how many of
my own family and of my neighbours have I enticed here after me in that
time? Perdition hold me, if I am not as dutiful to my trade as the best
of you, but the wisest is sometimes at fault." Then said Lucifer:
"Throw him into the school of the fairies, who are still under
castigation for their mischievous tricks in days gone by, when they were
wont to strangle and threaten their neighbours, and so awaken them from
their torpor; for their fear probably had more influence upon them than
forty sermons."

Then came four constables, an accuser, and fifteen of the damned,
dragging forward two devils. "Lest you lay the blame of every wrongful
service upon the children of Adam," said the accuser, "here are two of
your old angels who misspent their time above as much as the two who were
last before the court. Here is a rogue quite as worthless as that one at
Shrewsbury the other day, when the Interlude of Doctor Faustus was being
played, amidst all manner of most wanton and lascivious revelries, and
where many things were going on conducive to the welfare of your realm;
when they were busiest, the devil himself appeared to play his part, and
so drove all away from pleasure to prayers. Even so this one, in his
wanderings over the world: he heard some people talk of walking round
the church {104a} to see their sweethearts, and what should the fool do
but show himself to the simpletons in his own natural form, and though
their fright was great they recovered their senses, and made a vow to
leave that vanity for ever; whereas had he only assumed the form of some
vile jades, they would have held themselves bound to accept those; and so
the foul fiend might have been master of the household with both parties,
since he himself had mated them. And here is another, who went, last
Twelfth Night, to visit two Welsh lasses who were turning their shifts,
and instead of enticing them to wantonness in the form of a fair youth,
to one he took a bier, to make her thoughts more serious; to the other,
he went with the tumult of war in a hellish whirlwind, to make her madder
than before; and this was quite needless. Nor was this all; for after he
had entered the maiden, and had thrown her about, and sorely tormented
her, some of our learned enemies were sent for to pray for her and to
cast him out, and instead of tempting her to despair and endeavouring to
win over the preachers, he began to preach to them, and to disclose the
mysteries of your kingdom, thus aiding their salvation instead of
hindering it." At the word "salvation" I saw some leaping up, a living
fire of rage. "Every tale is fair till the other side be told," quoth
the devil, "I hope Lucifer will not allow one of the earth-born race of
Adam to contend with me, who am an angel of far superior kind and stock."
"His punishment is certain," said Lucifer, "but do thou, sirrah, give
clear and ready answer to these charges; or by hopeless Hell I will--."
"I have led hither," said he, "many a soul since Satan was in the Garden
of Eden, and I ought to understand my business, better than this upstart
accuser." "Blood of infernal firebrands," cried Lucifer, "did I not bid
thee answer clearly and readily?" "By your leave," said the demon, "I
have preached a hundred times, and have denounced many of the various
ways that lead to your confines, and yet at the same breath, have quietly
brought them hither safe and sound by some other delusive path, just as I
did while preaching recently in the German States, in one of the Faro
Isles, and in several other places. In this manner, through my preaching
have many Papist beliefs, and old traditions come first into the world,
and all in the guise of goodness. For who ever would swallow a baitless
hook? Who ever gained credence for a tale which had not some truth
mingled with the false, or some little good overshadowing the bad? So,
if whilst preaching I can instil one counsel of mine own among a hundred
that are good and true, by means of that one, through heedlessness or
superstition, will more weal betide your kingdom than woe through all the
others ever." "Well," said Lucifer, "since thou canst do so much good in
the pulpit, I bid thee dwell seven years in the mouth of a barndoor
preacher who always utter what first comes to his mind; there thou wilt
have an opportunity of putting in a word now and then to thine own
purpose."

There were many more devils and damned darting to and fro like lightning
about the awful throne, to count and to receive offices. But suddenly
without any warning there came a command for all the messengers and
prisoners to depart from the court, each one to his den, leaving the King
and his chief counsellors alone together. "Is it not better for us also
to depart, lest they find us?" I asked my friend. "Thou needest have no
fear," answered the angel, "no unclean spirit can ever pierce this veil."
Wherefore we remained there invisible, to see the issue.

Then Lucifer began graciously to address his peers thus:- "Ye mightiest
spirits of evil, ye archfiends of hellish guile, the utmost of your
malicious wiles am I now constrained to demand. All here know that
Britain and its adjacent isles is the realm most dangerous to my state,
and fullest of mine enemies; and what is a hundredfold worse, there
reigns now a queen most dangerous of all, who has never once inclined
hither, nor along the old way of Rome on the one hand nor yet along the
way of Geneva on the other: to think what great good the Pope has for a
long time done us there and Oliver even to this day! What therefore
shall we do? I fear me we shall entirely lose our ancient possession of
that mart unless we instantly set-to to pave a new way for them to travel
over, for they know too well all the old roads that lead hitherwards.
Since this invincible hand shortens my chain, and prevents me from going
myself to the earth, your advice I pray. Whom shall I appoint my viceroy
to oppose yon hateful queen, Our Enemy's vicegerent?"

"Oh! thou great Emperor of Darkness," said Cerberus, {106a} the demon of
tobacco, "'tis I that supply the third of that country's maintenance, I
shall go, and I will despatch you a hundred thousand of your foemen's
souls through a pipe stem." "In sooth," said Lucifer, "thou hast done me
some good service, what with causing the slaughter of the owners in India
and poisoning those that indulge in it, through the saliva, sending many
to wander with it idly from house to house, others to steal in order to
obtain it, and millions to grow that fond of it that they cannot spend a
single day without it, and be in their right mind. For all this, go and
do thy best, but thou art nought to our present purpose."

Whereupon Cerberus sat down; then rose Mammon, the devil of money, and
with surly skulking mien began: "'T was I who pointed out the first mine
whence money was to be obtained, and ever since I am praised and
worshipped more than God, and men lay their pain and peril, all their
mind, their affection and their trust upon me, yea, there is no man
content, but all crave more of my favor; the more they obtain, the
further still are they from rest, until at last, while seeking ease, they
come to this region of everlasting woes. How many a crafty old miser
have I enticed hither over paths that were harder to traverse than those
that lead to the realm of bliss? Whenever a fair was held, a market,
assize or election, or any other concourse, who had more subjects than I
or greater power and authority? Cursing, swearing, fighting, litigation,
falsehood and deceit, beating, clawing, murdering and robbing one
another, Sabbath-breaking, perjury, cruelty, and what black mark besides,
which stamps men as of Lucifer's fold, that I have not had a hand in
placing? For which reason have I been called 'the root of all evil.'
Wherefore, an it please your majesty, I will go."

He ceased. Then Apolyon uprose and spoke: "I know of nought more
certain to lead them hither than what brought you here, {107a} and that
is Pride; once it plants its straight stake in them and puffs them up,
there is no need to fear that they will condescend to bear the cross or
go through the narrow gate. I will go with your daughter Pride, and
before they can realise where they are, I will drive the Welsh hither
headlong while admiring the pomp of the English, and the English while
imitating the vivacity of the French."

After him arose Asmodai, the devil of lust: "'T is not unknown to you,
mightiest King of the deep, nor to you, princes of the land of despair,
how many of the gulfs of hell have I filled through voluptuousness and
lewdness. What of the time I kindled such a flame of lust over all the
world that the deluge had needs be sent to clear the earth of men, and to
sweep them all into our unquenchable fire? What of Sodoma and Gomorrah,
fine and fair cities, which I so consumed with licentiousness that a
hell-shower blazed in their infernal lusts and beat them down here alive,
to burn for ages on ages. And what of the great hosts of the Assyrians,
who were all slain in one night on my account? I disappointed Sarah of
seven husbands' {108a} and Solomon and many a thousand other kings did I
bring to shame through women. Wherefore let me and this sweet sin go,
and I will kindle the hellish spark so generally that it will at length
become one with this inextinguishable flame, for scarce one will ever
return from following me to walk in the paths of life." At that he sat
down.

Then Belphegor, chief of sloth and idleness, stood up and spake thus: "I
am the great prince of listlessness and sloth, who have great influence
upon millions of all sorts and conditions of men; I am that stagnant pond
where the spawn of every evil is bred, where the dregs of every
corruption and baleful slime grows rank. What good wouldst thou be,
Asmodai, or ye, chief damned evils, were I not? I, who keep the windows
open and unguarded that ye may enter into the man when ye will, through
his eyes, his ears and his mouth. I will go and roll them all over the
precipice unto you in their sleep."

Then Satan, the devil of delusion, who was on Lucifer's left hand, arose,
and turning his grim visage to the king, began: "It is unnecessary for
me to recount my deeds to thee, Oh lost Archangel, or to you, swarthy
princes of Destruction: for 'twas I who dealt the first blow to man, and
mighty was that blow, to be the cause of death from the beginning of the
world to its end. Is it likely that I, who erst ravaged all the earth,
could not now give advice that would serve one little isle? Could not I,
who deceived Eve in Paradise, overcome Anne in Britain? If inborn craft
and continuous experience for five thousand years profit aught, my advice
is that you adorn your daughter Hypocrisy to deceive Britain and its
queen: you have no other as serviceable as she; her sway extends more
widely than that of all the rest of your daughters, and her subjects are
more numerous. Was it not through her that I beguiled the first woman?
And ever since she has remained on earth and waxed very great therein, so
that by now the world is hardly anything but one mass of hypocrisy. And
were it not for the craftiness of Hypocrisy how could anyone of us do
business in any part of the world? For what man would ever have aught to
do with sin, did he once behold it in its true color and under its own
proper name? He would sooner clasp a devil in his own infernal shape and
garb. If it were not that Hypocrisy can disguise the name and nature of
every evil under the semblance of some good, and give a bad name to every
goodness, no man at all would put forth his hand to do evil or would lust
after it. Walk through the entire city of Destruction and ye will
perceive her greatness in every quarter. Go to the street of Pride and
ask for an arrogant man or for a penny-worth of affectation mixed through
pride: 'Woe is me,' exclaims Hypocrisy, 'there is no such thing here,'
no, nor for a devil, anything else in the whole street save proud
demeanour. Or walk into the street of Lucre and enquire for the miser's
house: pshaw, there is no one of the kind therein; or for the dwelling
of the murderer among the doctors, or for the abode of highwaymen amongst
the drovers; thou wouldst sooner be thrown to prison for asking than that
one should confess to his own name. Yea, Hypocrisy crawls in between a
man and his own heart, and so skilfully does she hide every wrong under
the name and guise of some virtue that she has caused well nigh all to
lose cognisance of their own selves. Greed she calls thrift; in her
tongue riotous living is innocent joy; pride is courtesy; the froward, a
clever, courageous man; the drunkard, a boon companion; and adultery is a
mere freak of youth. On the other hand, if she and her scholars' {110a}
are to be believed, the godly is a hypocrite or a fool; the gentle, a
coward; the abstemious, a churl, and so for every other quality. Send
her thither in all her adornment, and I warrant you she will deceive
everyone; she will blinden the counsellors, the soldiers, and all the
officers of church and state, and will draw them hither in hurrying
multitudes with the varicolored mask upon their eyes." Whereupon he too
sat down.

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